Where are my minions?


And I don’t mean to suggest that I lost them. It’s not like I took them to Sears and didn’t pay enough attention and they wandered off while I wasn’t looking to pig out on corn-dogs and Orange Juliuses at the food court.

They’re not lost.

I never got them.

I believe, and correct me if I’m wrong, but somewhere in some charter that I’m certain applies to me there’s a subclause that expressly states my right to minions, and furthermore I am equally certain that there is a sliding scale that calculates specifically how many minions I’m supposed to have based on the various factors in my life.

Let’s see:

  1. Married: one minion, two if the spouse works in marketing or collects fishing lures.
  2. Children: 1.3 minions per child, amortized from birth to age 18, extended for children pursuing Ivy League educations or music/theater degrees
  3. House: one minion per 300 square feet of living space plus one minion per bathroom (half bath = half minion)
  4. Pets: .25 minions per fish/gerbil .5 minions per cat, .75 minions per dog. Snakes do not qualify for minions as they have been known to eat them
  5. Extended family: one minion per crazy in-law, one minion per drama-queen sister or aunt, two minions per drag-queen brother or uncle
  6. Job: 1 minion per 10/hours per week worked, 1 extra minion per 30 commuter miles, plus 1 bonus minion for work in the service industry
  7. PTA participation: .5 minions per committee,  .5 minion bonus if committee is run by the OCD mom who waxes her driveway

Excellent, so that means I get…wait a second here….carry the two…divide by pi…add eleven…subtract one for tax purposes…1,423,917 Minions!


I may need to double check my math.

Because if minions need to eat, then I’m really almost as bad off as I am with three teenagers.

So anyway…

Once I find the minions I am clearly entitled to due to my amazing level of anxiety and stress, I will give them minionly tasks to do.

For example:

  • Buff the cats
  • Pave the rain gutters
  • Yell at the catalogue people (who still aren’t listening)
  • Harass famous bloggers who aren’t following me on Twitter
  • Threaten humanity with the destructive weapon of my choosing
  • Pay the bills that are beneath me to pay myself
  • Clean the fixtures that are beneath me to clean my myself
  • Fetch me some of those heeled slippers with the little pom-poms on top
  • Fetch me martinis
  • Fetch me mai-tais
  • Fetch me a new liver

Yes, my life will be much grander, much less stressful, much more dedicated in its pursuit of Martha Points, and much more…well…overlord-ish once I have my duly assigned minions.

I just need a minion to go get them for me.


Filed under Humor

35 Responses to Where are my minions?

  1. By your rules I am entitled to at least 14 minions. (I can’t amortize so that total is not accurate). I want half of them to clean the house, a couple to do meal planning & create shopping lists and the rest need to get outside & inspect the pool & find out where the leak is.

    • I would put a minion on the pool leaking thing immediately!!

      What on earth do you do when your pool is leaking???

      • Mostly I wait until it stops & then assume the leak is somewhere above the waterline. I think it has something to do with the pump & hoses as near as I can tell. If a minion could just spend a couple hours constantly checking them for slow drips I’d know for sure

      • Yes, then I think that’s an EXCELLENT task for a minion.

        Tedious, thankless…yep! Good call!

  2. Fishing lure collection at my house. I’m up one minion.
    I’d like one to be in charge of dog poop scooping and disposal.

    • See, Himself and I got into an argument about whether cats or dogs warranted more minions.

      And cats mostly poop in a box. Much easier than cleaning up a yard.

      That figured heavily in my calculations.

  3. you want minions? become a high school teacher that kids like. I have minions galore…just not at home. this is a problem. I have tried to turn my husband into a minion, however at this point he is still refusing my proposal. I will keep you posted.

    • Yes, the work-to-home minion transition is a biggie.

      And yes, husbands are HUGELY resistant to functioning in a minion capacity.

      Let me know if you discover the secret formula. I’m eager for this information.

  4. Apparently, I have not received my share of minions either! This is a glaring oversight that must be corrected immediately!

    • Yes, the minion problem is a bit like financial aid. Just cause you qualify, it doesn’t mean the resource is actually out there for you.

      We may need to found a minion location and placement agency.

  5. Casey

    I’m sorry, clearly it’s all my fault for wearing pants.

  6. liz

    You just go see Despicable Me??

  7. I want some minions as well! If I could have cute little yellow ones like in the movie, even better. Here are duties I would assign to MY minions: collect all fur balls from under beds and discard, make dinner every night with no more than 13 Weight Watchers points per serving, clean all toilets twice weekly, pay me lavish compliments about my svelte figure, and shush my husband whenever he snores. That would be bliss!

  8. Please, please, please buff your cats. Then vlog about it.

    The public is begging you.

    Or maybe just me.

  9. Obviously, there’s a well-hatched plot to steal everyone’s minions, because mine are missing as well.

    I had to laugh about tweeting famous bloggers. I’ve tweeted Pioneer Woman a few times. It’s like a voice, crying out in the desert. Crickets chirp. The trees rustle. If a person tweets into Twitterland and there is no one there to hear it, did they ever really Tweet at all?

    • I feel invisible when I tweet now and no one says anything.

      Once upon a time only two people followed me and they often didn’t answer.

      I supposed minions could also be given twitter accounts and be required to laugh uproariously at all our tweets, and retweet everything we say.

      That’d be a good job for a minion.

  10. I qualify for 26.6 minions. I’m tempted to take the “marketing” minion…but it’s not my spouse…it’s me.

    My minions? Will find themselves:
    1. Mopping Floors (I can handle sweeping – hate the mopping)

    2. Cleaning bathrooms

    3. Managers of all animal poop (cat box, dog “accidents,” and yard cleanup)

    4. Putting away the @#$! laundry. I will wash, dry, & bring it upstairs. Minions must fold & hang in the appropriate room.

    5. Other duties as assigned. This is the catch-all that always gets me in trouble at work. None of this “not in my job description” crap.

    • Ok, I think you should be assigned an extra minion for honesty’s sake.

      And “Other duties as assigned” is an excellent minion clause.

      Could be used for things like insulating the crawl-space. And launching satellites.


  11. Like your amortization plan v. much…….. will keep checking back on your minion progress for pointers.

  12. I really, really need some minions. Minions sound like I could boss them around and I’m really good at that. 😉

  13. HAHA I would LOVE some of those minions then!!! Especially the martini fetching ones 😉

    • Ack! How did I miss your comment?

      I hate missing comments. I feel so guilty!

      I clearly need a minion for that too.

      To go along with the martini fetching one.

      I’ll get two of that kind and send one to you. 😉

  14. today? i want ten minions for my three dogs. because? one of them? had diarrhea AND puked in the kennel. and i? have to clean it up. i certainly hope this is worth many MAJOR martha points!! because? puke makes me puke…

    • Yes, you are totally deserving of both minions and Martha Points. UGH!!!

      I’m with ya….

      THIS is why motherhood and homemaking needs minions.

      Extras for you.

      You deserve them.

  15. .5 minions per cat?

    Well, I’ve always suspected I need more cats. Now it’s official.

    Not sure how to break the news to Teva and Isabel. They probably won’t buy my “Mama needs minions” rationale.

    • You might suggest that what you really need is a couple of dogs.

      Then, by comparison, a couple of cats won’t sound so bad.

      From the “when you really want a dog, ask for a pony” school of reasoning.

      I think I have a diploma from them lying around here somewhere.

  16. LOL I think I’m due a few minions too. Do we get extra minions for each child we have after four children? I think I should get extras for child 5 and 6.

    • Holy smokes, darlin’, I think after THREE you get double minions per child.

      After five, you get triple and they have to be certified to provide pedicures.

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