What is wrong with these children?

This does not look like a child who is doing dishes.

Neither does this:

I must be doing something wrong.

These children do not look sufficiently downtrodden.

Apparently I did not create enough of a mess while I was cooking.

Tonight I’m going to burn something.

They shouldn’t be having FUN while they’re scrubbing the pots and pans.

I’m also going to make them clean out the fireplace. We don’t actually have fires in it, but I’m going to spill something in it on purpose. Just because.

But since my kids are so good-natured about the things we ask them to do around the house, I was inspired.

To bake.

So, I made peanut butter crackers. AND, I made peanut butter cookies.

If you do not yet fully appreciate the distinction, go here.

Child C decided to be my food photographer. Except that she doesn’t quite understand the camera yet and things like the flash popping up startle her.

So she turns dials, and presses buttons and some of them turn out, and some of them make my hands look like something from “The Corpse Bride.”

I didn’t link those.

So here’s a photo of…uhh…yes, these are the crackers.

And yep, that’s Costco peanut butter. We have three teenagers. We could own stock in Skippy and still not come out ahead.

Then the girl wanted an action shot:

And you might be wondering where, exactly, the action is.

The egg slipped into the bowl long before the shutter snapped. Child C, it appeared, had forgotten about gravity.

Wait till she’s my age. She won’t forget then.

And here are crackers being squashed by your classic squashing utensil.

And it would be a huge help to me if you could imagine that the dark, ugly cookie sheet is actually a shiny, titanium alloy that never needs scrubbing and bakes cookies with laser like precision. At least, that’s my fantasy. (I’m remembering this very second that we bought new cookie sheets when we did our marathon Christmas-Bake-A-Lot, but I bake cookies so seldom that I didn’t remember that till just now  when I was griping about how ugly the cookie sheet in that picture was. THIS is another reason I don’t like shopping, I FORGET WHAT CRAP I ALREADY OWN.)

Ok, back to the baking.

And here….oh yes, here….here is where the crackers become cookies. This was my favorite part.

There may have been some eating straight from the bowl. Maybe. Or maybe not. I’m not admitting anything. Not after what Julia did to me. I’m still traumatized and heaven only knows what sort of watch lists I’ve ended up on.

And here are freshly baked crackers:

Yes, there’s one missing. It broke. It was weak. I had to think about the strength of the herd. So…I ate it.

And then, a little while later, there were cookies:

And then there was heaven on a napkin.

With milk.

So. Now then. Previous score: +27 points

  • For making cookies (and crackers) for my family: +10 points
  • For using my family as guinea pigs with an untested cookie recipe: -2 points
  • For tasty cookiness regardless of experimentation: +3 points
  • For crumbly cookies falling apart in the hands of hungry teenagers and contributing to the perma-crud on my floor: -5 points

Which brings my new total to: +33 points

Which is really, really good, because there’s a bathroom tile situation brewing that I can tell is gonna slap those points down a few mildewy notches.


Filed under Domestic Goddesshood, Humor, Point Assignment

25 Responses to What is wrong with these children?

  1. I found you this morning and was successfully able to avoid tackling the dusty boxes full of assorted Stuff in my closet by happily browsing your posts. Thanks for the smile and the excellent excuse! 🙂

  2. I think I have the same burnt cookie pan too!

  3. I’m coming to your house for some cookies (not the crackers- I’m with you on the COOKIES). And I’m also thinking we need a tour of the kitchen?? It looks awesome.

    • Oh good heavens, aren’t YOU funny.

      The kitchen is the bane of my existence. (Next to the master bathroom.)

      But I can probably eke some humor out of just how dysfunctional my kitchen is, so I may take you up on that.

  4. Heather

    mmmm… recipe? Those cookies look delish!

  5. One word-YUMMO! Now, how in the world did my cookie sheet wind up at your house? I’ll never know.

  6. OK so how on earth did you get kids happy about dishes!?? love those pictures!

    I love Peanut butter anything! =) yum!

    I am over from Julia’s … she says you are funny! I like to laugh… well.. love to laugh … no pressure!

    I love love your blog name and the point system! do you give your readers points? =) maybe you should if you don’t?! just saying.. if you want to complicate your life…

    I am giving away a Pioneer Woman cookbook on my blog … since you like to bake and all! =) it is signed!! by Ree! =) come see!

    • I think I they may have been reacting to something in the food…I dunno…does asparagus have any hallicinagenic qualities?

      And I have given points to readers! (Especially if they suggest things like virtual martinis).

      And a giveaway??? oooohhh….shiny….

      Do ALL you people know my weaknesses?

  7. I may not be able to pop by if you keep baking. I immediately gained 5 lbs just looking at your blog. The second picture in the kitchen is awesome. Love the light. Pass my kudos along please. Well done.

    You need to add a link to Julia’s name. I’ve got early onset Alzheimer’s and I need a link. Or maybe I’m lazy…. I can’t remember.

  8. BackyardNeighbor

    Can I borrow your kids???

  9. Martha would have put parchment paper on that cookie sheet. I think hers probably looks the same but who would know with perfect white parchment paper on it everytime she bakes. I laughed everytime I saw her do that….until I tried it! I would have negative 100 MPs but I do use parchment paper for baking and it’s great! So, perhaps I’m at -98 now.

  10. I just have to comment on how fabulous Child C’s hair looks! Tell her that for me, kay? I don’t think I’ve ever looked so fabulous while washing dishes. 🙂

  11. I was noting that Child C’s hair looks particularly cute in the top picture. Her hairstylist is gifted.

    Are these for rent? I need someone who smiles while washing dishes more than Casey does. 😉

  12. Pingback: Monday Night Pot Luck « In Pursuit of Martha Points

  13. Nixthings

    I know you included heaps of pix (which is great) and when you work out what drug made your kids happy to wash-up PLEASE let me have some BUT given I’m Australian you need to work with me here – why do you need to make crackers then turn them into cookies/biscuits? Why not just cook biscuits? I realise I’m missing something, probably because I wasn’t born in the same hemisphere as Martha.
    BTW I LOVE your lounge room, colour and layout and the “pop art”

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