We’re gonna need a bigger boat.

As the theme to “Tablescape Thursday” at Between Naps On the Porch is the un-birthday, I decided to link this post. Which talks about birthday cake. An irrational amount of birthday cake. And while I did not photograph place settings, I hope the ridiculous cake shots will make up for it.

It's like looking across the Great Plains.

Or at least a bigger spatula.

My mom’s birthday was Tuesday. The earliest we could get the family together was Thursday night. So we did dinner.

And…cake. A very, very large cake.

We could have fit "War and Peace" on it if we'd wanted to.

My mom turned 64 this year. Tradition in my family dictates that you get a “When I’m 64″ cake. I was a little worried when I placed the order for the cake that I was going to be talking with a 17-year-old that would not understand what I wanted in any way. Fortunately the person I talked with spoke “Beatles” and had no problem taking the order. (Although the cake decorater didn’t quite get it. I’m not quite sure what “When am 64″ means, but I don’t think that’s Lennon or McCartney.)

You could plant crops here.

I really feel compelled to explain that for 9 people I did NOT order a half-sheet cake. I ordered a quarter-sheet cake, and even that was larger than I needed (but I didn’t think I could get the lyrics onto an 8 inch round without causing some poor baker a repetitive stress injury.) But when I showed up at the bakery, they pulled out the 1/2 sheet cake and said happily in response to my protests, “But it’s on sale! The same price as a 1/4 sheet!” All I could think was, Well, as I ordered a 1/4 sheet cake that was all I was going to pay for ANYWAY. But why add tension to an already completely insane situation?

I stood in the bakery, staring at the cake, saying (out loud) “My husband is going to think I’m crazy!”

People laughed at me.

“How many people are you having?” Asked the well-meaning cashier.

“Nine.” I replied.

There was a pause. “Oh,” she said. “Well, you’ll have lots of leftovers!”

My first plan was to go door-to-door and offer some to the neighbors.

We ate as much as we could without ending up in full-blown diabetic comas, then bundled up massive pieces (each one the size of a normal cake) to send away with people so they could have diabetic comas in the comfort of their own homes.

Yet we still have enough here to last a weekend. With teenagers.

And to make the cake-overload even better, this was what we had for breakfast at work yesterday.

I did not think this was possible for me, but I’m caked out.

I hope I’m not coming down with anything. All I need is “Return of the Plague” with my mother-in-law coming next week.

Probably not. Probably just Too Damned Much Cake.

So tune in Monday for Projects and Points. And next week….a surprise…..

(And did I mention that my mother-in-law is coming next week?)

Edited to Add: A number of readers have already figured out that I “neglected” to mention that a store-bought cake is a total hit to my points. Because it’s true – Martha would NEVER have served her mother a store-bought cake, and choosing sleep over my mother really is totally selfish of me and will probably get me written out of the will, and my brother will be the one to inherit the authentic Cost Plus Asian wall prints. Damn him…

So yes, a deduction is coming, but the actual score will depend on how nauseated my family gets from eating cake all weekend. So stay tuned.

Linked to “Follow Me Fridays” at Trendy Treehouse.


Filed under Humor

43 Responses to We’re gonna need a bigger boat.

  1. Heather

    You know I love you, but I think you are going to need to dock yourself some MP. Martha wouldn’t be caught dead serving a grocery store cake.. -.- LOL

    • Oh you are so right…I’m embarrassed.

      It’s this whole being employed thing. If I could just get that off my plate, EVERYTHING ELSE WOULD BE BETTER.

      (Except for the living under a bridge part.)

      • Heather

        LOL. I agree with you there. I made my little sister’s wedding cake and had to take a day off from work and still felt rushed.. But it was worth it. 🙂

      • You made a wedding cake in a DAY???

        Good heavens!

  2. I might have to agree with Heather. Also Martha would have fixed the mis-quote with matching icing.
    Happy late Birthday to your mom!

    • Yes, she totally would have. I was worried that if I tried I would turn into either 1)some weird Beatnik haiku, or 2) obscene Beatles lyrics.

      I decided to go with the time honored approach of “Hoping no-one notices.” Which, of course, didn’t work.

  3. Can’t beat a good sale on cake or cake for breakfast (the dreams of children everywhere!). Happy belated birthday to your madre.

  4. KLZ

    This would be perfect for #FatProjectReverse. Do you follow @TheNextMartha?

    • LOL…yes, I totally do. But she’s actually making scrumptious irresistible things. I don’t know that my grocery cake would count.

  5. So would you mind too terribly if I totally copied you on that cake when my dad turns 64? That.is.awe.some. And he being a huge Beatles fan and all. . . .

  6. liz

    Well, you already know my feelings on cake. But if I were you, and I had WAY too much, I think I’d cut out that weird “When am 64″ portion.

    Did you say anything about that line to the bakery? You may have been too shocked by the enormity of it all…

    • No, I was so stunned by the size of the cake (and the awkwardness of getting it home) that I totally missed the glitch until faced with it in my kitchen.

      So we just decided that it was the equivalent of singing the Fab Four with Southern accent.

  7. It is a giant cake…and I must say, looks dang delicious! I love the wording…made me laugh out loud! Can you freeze cake?

    • Probably could, if my freezer weren’t full of coffee and Trader Joe’s staples. I mean, what if we ran out of Garlic Fries? The military would have to be mobilized. It’d get ugly.

  8. It was the little captions that got me giggling: “It’s like looking across the Great Plains” and “You could plant crops here”. I grew up in the great plains, and totally get what you mean—they go on forEVER!! Like Hammy the Squirrel says in “Over the Hedge”: “It never ends….. and it never ends that way, either!”

    Happy weekend!

  9. BackyardNeighbor

    Give yourself at least 3 MP for NOT sticking to your first plan (offering cake to neighbors) and thus NOT tempting me into eating cake.

    Wine would have been different…

  10. Those cupcakes look really good……and I love that you had a “When I’m 64 cake” Awesome!

    I think you should get extra points for the sugar coma that your family will get to have. My mom never brought home a cake that big for me!! 😉

    • LOL…I didn’t think about GIVING myself points for that. But if everyone’s in a sugar coma than no one can MAKE A MESS.

      So, that may be a winner. ; )

  11. What a cool cake idea! Now I get your comment on my blog about too much cake 🙂 He he. I do think you should only be docked a couple of MPs, because the Beatles lyrics on the cake really should count for something. Clever. Martha would agree, I’m certain.

    • Yes, it’s been cake on the brain here for a few days now.

      I NEVER thought I’d get tired of cake. Cake (real cake, mind you, not bread) is one of my favorite things. But…turns out I was wrong.

  12. I just like looking at the pictures of the cake and cupcakes. I could eat it all. Didn’t even notice the mistake on the writing because I just stared at the chocolate frosting. It put me in a trance.

  13. Yeah, but you made the cupcakes, right? With the perfect icing and all? Also, responding with calm and humour to the shop assistant who insists on giving you a cake twice the size you ordered and spouting inanities about sales. I’d say that’s worth a few points. Oh, and next time you have leftovers like that, send them to Turkey.

    • No, sadly, I do not get to claim responsibility for making the cupcakes, only for eating them. There was a speech therapist appreciation breakfast and someone brought them.

      And Turkey? You’re in Turkey?? Wow…I’ve never been to Turkey, although I could *see* it from my hotel in Rhodes.


  14. Well, I for one do not think that’s too much cake! Especially chocolate?! I could’ve eaten half of it by myself! I heart cake!!!

    • Honest to goodness, I thought that about myself until I actually laid eyes on the massiveness of the cake. It was like a big ol’ chocolate whale.

  15. Don’t sweat the store bought.
    There was CAKE, and plenty of it.

    And that’s what counts.
    You can send the leftovers to me.


  16. LOL! I love the “acres” of cake! I will have to remember to copy this idea when my husband turns 64 several years from now! Loved your hilarious account!

  17. LOL…you can have your cake and eat it, too!

  18. This is just adorable! What a great 64th b/day idea! Yum…I want some cake!

  19. Your post made me SMILE! I like this tradition even if you have to eat all that cake all week long.

  20. That cake is so adorable!


  21. What a beautiful cake, even though it was way to much for 9 it’s lovely. I love the idea of how you mark a 64TH birthday with that quote, just darling. So funny to have so much cake and then go to work and find cupcakes, too funny!
    Have a wonderful weekend!

    • And I never thought it could happen, but yes, it was WAY too much cake.

      People were taking my temperature, it was so unlike me to think that way.

  22. Pingback: Potluck in Pictures « In Pursuit of Martha Points

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