We’re drugging the wrong people.

My rib seems to be roughly back where it started.

Sadly, it hung out with the wrong crowd – ie my ankle and left elbow – for way too long and all the things around the rib are manifesting their abandonment issues by acting out. You know, tantrums…knocking over liquor stores, that sort of thing.

For the last few nights in order to sleep I have needed to take something for pain.

And while I did manage one night to get by on that old medical standard, vodka and Fresca, there has also been use of actual painkillers.

The kind you Discuss With Your Doctor or Pharmacist.

Taking the Big Guns is not typical for me, as evidenced by the need to dispose of bottles of years-passed expired prescriptions that are missing exactly two tablets once I discover them hiding behind the dried-out $40 under-eye circle cream that got me drunk and lied to me.

But it’s interesting when I do take them.

Things are funny. Damned funny.

How did the world get this funny? Have you seen the commercials they’re airing now? THERE’S A  TALKING LIZARD GETTING RICH EACH TIME YOU BACK THE CAR INTO YOUR GARAGE DOOR!

And articulate! My god, the announcers at the Australian Open are speaking poetry! The Iliad wrapped up in Shakespeare’s 18th Sonnet is coming out of Patrick McEnroe’s mouth!

My children! They are wise beyond their years and clearly should be writing national addresses for heads of state.

Who knew??

The world becomes a place of epic lyrical humor when I have taken percocet.

So, obviously, I am doing this wrong.

I’m not the one who should be taking the percocet.

You should be the ones taking the percocet.

Cause then this little world becomes a place of epic lyrical humor without me needing to work anywhere near as hard.

So please, for the sake of IPoMP, talk to your Doctor or Pharmacist.


Filed under Humor

32 Responses to We’re drugging the wrong people.

  1. I have some really groovy stuff. Groovy. Like, muscle relaxer groovy for herniated discs and muscle spasms. THE WORLD IS A MUCH BETTER PLACE.

  2. This made me laugh. Hey, at least you got some cheap entertainment out of your ordeal, right? Percocet makes me barf, but me lovva the Vicodin.

  3. Percocet and I have not had an introduction. Although the idea of coming here with its after effects sounds almost dangerous. I’d probably die laughing, which sounds a lot more fun than it probably is.

  4. Hmm. This will only work with me if you write some kind of deep, tear-jerker post. Sadly? Percocet makes me seriously emotionally irrational. Like having a meltdown over improperly toasted buns kind of irrational.

    Its a good thing I appreciate your genius au naturale. 😉

  5. Yay for modern medicine! Boo for sneezing and ruining all the fun!

  6. I have a percocet patch. Timed release.


    I used to run with a crowd who would definitely be transfixed by the moving tennis ball while high on something else.

    Hope you feel better before we have to pry the vials out of your twitching hands.

  7. Oh, so THAT’S why I think you’re funny. Sometimes it’s hard to tell exactly what my secret prescription drug addiction is influencing.

    Also? I hope you enjoyed your time spent trapped in my world.

    It can get a little cheesy, but I hope you made it out alive.

  8. You my friend, are totally awesome. #JustSayin

    I do not know your friend Percocet. I’m hoping not to meet him…I’ll either like him too much or get paranoid about all the laughing!

  9. Nothing fun ever happens to me on percoset or any other pain killers. Half the time pain killing doesn’t even happen. See, I occasionally, recreationally, abused prescription drugs back in the 80′s, before it was cool. The one time I am ahead of the trend & what did it get me? Tolerance to pain killers I actually might need now that I am old. Morphine works but since I have to admit the 25 years ago drug use to get it, no one will let me have any except in the hospital.

    I should be on a ‘just say no’ commercial.

  10. CDG

    God bless you, Lori, for giving me some justification to self-medicate.

    (As if my day job wasn’t enough.)

    I can be loopy for you!

  11. Pingback: Tweets that mention We’re drugging the wrong people. | In Pursuit of Martha Points — Topsy.com

  12. LOL I had to take Percocet for a horrendous toothache, then I settled in for the evening to watch That 70′s show and I about died. A-boo!

  13. Ok, fine, but only because you told me too!

    I can wash it down with wine, right?

  14. I have not taken Percocet, but I have a huge bottle of Darvocet that I was saving for an emergency. Except, they sent me a letter to say that they are taking it off the market because it does bad stuff. Darn drug companies! Can’t they keep their bad news to themselves, so I can have the security of knowing I have the big guns when necessary?!

  15. I drugged up the other week when my head collided with the driveway- the world is funnier and stress rolls off like water off a duck. It’s nice.

  16. You know what else works for and is cheaper than the Perk? Sleep deprivation…things are fracken hilarious at my house ALL THE TIME.

    Was I ranting?


  17. liz

    Does Himself sit back and giggle at your giggling at talking geckos? I totally would!

  18. When, er, *if* I take Percocet, I pronounce everything to be fabulous. Kindof annoying for everyone around me. But I’m too busy being surrounded by fabulosity.

  19. Klz

    My doctor is epically boring. Maybe I should point her over here to persuade her

  20. Oh my dear sweet Lori…percocet is for lightweights…kidding. It sucks to admit but I can eat those like candy and feel nothing…not the “Whoa, I can’t feel my facken arms and this is awesome” nothing…the “Does this shit even work?” nothing…
    Sigh…chronic pain sucks. A. Lot.
    But I’m thankful that they don’t make me all loopy like that. I really can’t stand that feeling…unless I was drunk 😉
    Feel better soon

  21. Clearly, my doctor is holding out on me. Nothing’s that great when I take my “serious” meds. Mildly amusing, maybe, and my children are only state officials….

  22. Haha! I have this recurring tooth problem I hesitate to get fixed (because who really wants to look at the dentist … ever?). Instead, every year or two, the tooth acts up and I get a prescription for Percocet.

    And my next two weeks are AWESOME.

    I feel you, sister.

  23. Hun….I read that post 3xs…or was it 2? Anyhow….I just dont get it. You mean…those things aren’t funny normally? Dood…hmm…maybe I should cut back on the percocet

  24. So the pain is that bad, huh?

    I’m glad you’re feeling hilariously joyous. I’ve never had the “pleasure” of taking percocet, but the hubs swears it puts him into a psychotic delirium. He hates it.

  25. Oh my gosh this is so funny. I mean, I’m sorry for your pain and intolerance to narcotics.

    When they were making me suffer through hours of labor pains with #3 (you know, to see if I was actually IN labor), they gave me some pain meds in my IV that immediately knocked me out…in between wicked painful contractions that I still felt to the core. But I would pass out between them for a minute or so. When the nurse woke me up to ask me how my pain was, I started mumbling something about the Queen and yadda yadda yadda, no idea what I was saying. Drugs are fun! I mean bad. Drugs are bad.

  26. Oh, yeah, I know all about this!

    Worst thing: when everything makes you laugh, but it HURTS to laugh, but still it’s funny, but ow, it hurts!

    Worst for YOU. For us who are watching, it’s 9 kinds of funny!

  27. I only took percocet once, after I had wisdom teeth extracted. I kept thinking the percocet weren’t helping the pain, because I had these massive headaches that were so bad they made me cry and writhe in the bed. So I’d take more percocet.

    On day 3 of misery I called the dentist. ‘Oh yeah, the percocet is what’s giving you the headaches, not the extraction. stop taking the percocet.”


    I really hope your back’s better soon, dearie.

  28. Ste-roids Ste-roids

    Sorry. If you didn’t watch baseball during the “Jose Canseco Era” then this will be lost on you.

    However, go get them. The steroids, that is. Not Jose. Though he’s perfectly nice.

  29. Do you think my doctor would take a note from Martha Points? Also— my neck has been hurting for two days. So actual painkilling will be a nice side effect.

  30. I had some major surgery a few years ago and it turns out that when you have an organ removed they really like to pump you up with morphine. And that is when morphine and I became best friends. That shit is fabulous! I saw this Burger King commercial and I’m not kidding you when I say it was the most beautiful, lyrical piece of work I’ve ever seen. Sadly, they would not let me keep the morphine as my best friend. That totally blew.

    I hope your craaaazy rib feels better soon. Keep taking the happy pills until that rib decides to behave.

  31. Yes. I have fallen in love with car commercials to darvocet.

    So beautiful, the music they choose, the mood they create…how do they do that??

  32. Wow, kinda makes my nightly goblet of wine sound boring.

    It doesn’t make those lizards very funny at all.

    But I do have this pain in my neck….hmm…..

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