Wanted: New Fairy, Wings A Plus. No Smokers.

It’s been a while.

The last tooth I lost was a failed root canal in an upper molar. The tooth came out in pieces and I would have been far too embarrassed to offer it up for coinage. Plus, the nitrous oxide impaired my sequencing ability and more likely I would have mailed the tooth to the insurance company and put the the new policy notice under my pillow.

But other than that, my teeth are pretty well staying put. ::find wood. knock aggressively::

I miss the Tooth Fairy. I miss that magical exchange of useless stuff for a quarter. (Yes, that was when a quarter actually bought a snickers bar. And there were dinosaurs. Shut up.)

But since the Tooth Fairy has no need to visit me at the moment I’ve decided that she’ll forgive me if I search for someone new to sprinkle the dust around for a while.

So here are some of the candidates:

1. The Cat Hair Fairy – comes in the night and replaces the cat hair with tickets to touring broadway shows. I would gladly give a pound of Nimbus fur in exchange for prime seating at a showing of “Spamalot.”

2. The Wayward Sock Fairy – when the family is otherwise occupied eating dinner, the Wayward Sock Fairy sneaks into the laundry room and replaces the socks without mates with retro tea towels.

3. The Lidless Tupperware Fairy – this saucy minx sneaks into the home while the family is out taking the car for its once-a-decade oil change and whisks away all mateless plastic containers and replaces them with classic hub caps.

4. The Lifeless Houseplant Fairy – This handy sprite takes away the dead husk of the maidenhair fern and swaps it for collectable Elvis plates. Dead ficus trees are exchanged for paintings of the King on black velvet.

5. The Abandoned Jar of Mystery Condiment Fairy – when you and your family are watching the dvd that was due yesterday, this fairy silently steals into the refrigerator and replaces nearly empty jars of relish, salad dressing, calamata olives and that weird glass jar with the lid that’s permacrudded on with fresh bottles of maraschino cherries and/or pearl onions.

So I think a Craigslist ad is in order, don’t you?

Do you think I should ask for references?


Filed under Humor

36 Responses to Wanted: New Fairy, Wings A Plus. No Smokers.

  1. All good ideas. We’ve made it easy for the Cat Hair Fairy. She won’t have to search very hard to find the cat hair.

  2. Never ask for references – those are for suckers.

    Now, I want to hear more about these dinosaurs…

  3. I could use some of these fairys.

    I think I would trade a visit from the Lifeless Houseplant Fairy out for an extra visit from the Wayward Sock Fairy, because she is too cool.

    Also…there must be a Dusting Fairy who gathers up all the dust and does something really great with it, like…..well, I’m too tired to think of what she does with it…but it would be really great!

  4. I so want that condiment fairy..and the sock one, too. Do they make housecalls to Texas?

  5. If you find these fairies, please forward them my address. I especially need the condiment fairy, and I am so glad that you also have these unrecognizable jars of something that used to be wonderful in your fridge!

    Oh, and the Tupperware Fairy. I could keep her quite busy.

  6. Yes. Craigslist should do it. Maybe they are cyber fairies now. It’s easier to get into homes now. You could ask for credit at your favorite stores in exchange for … Ummm.

    You’re better at this than me.


  7. wayward sock fairy… I have the answer to your prayers. For whatever reason the gods have smiled on me and my kids and their friends all decided it is not cool to wear matching socks anymore so everyone wears mismatched socks on purpose. Do you know what this does to my laundry time? I don’t have to match anyone’s socks anymore! Not even mine because I don’t care anymore. I am the “beast” mom ’cause I let my kids wear their socks how they want and I love doing socks. I just grab and roll ‘em together. Try it girl you will love your new found freedom.

  8. AmyBlam

    I need a laundry fairy. She needs to be giant, strong and not afraid of mysterious mountains of clothes.
    You let your teeth go for a quarter? I always held out for a new Charmkin.

  9. 6. The Late DVD Fairy – to return your movies on time for you.


    make your family eat the jars of mystery condiments while watching Inception for the third time. Allow time to discuss whether or not you’re really tasting honey mustard or simply dreaming.

  10. I wanted to get a Velvet Elvis as a joke gift for my Uncle. They’re surprisingly tough to come by!

  11. The Damp Towel fairy that replaces balled up discarded wet towels around the house with clean folded towels in the closet….

    My oldest the other day said his brother didn’t get his dollar from the tooth fairy because she was distracted watching Firefly that night & forgot. Then she got distracted the next night watching Castle & forgot.

    What can I say? The tooth fairy has the hots for Nathan Fillion

  12. I’m with you for #2 and #3. Fo Sho.

    Can I have the flush-toilet fairy? I need that.

  13. Will the fairy that replaces the condiments and such also do milk? That would be nice. The sock fairy is good too. I would get references for sure. You never know where these fairies have been!

  14. I need a Cat Hair Fairy, too. I’ll send some money for the background check.

  15. ha! we have a laundry fairy here, but she is almost always M.I.A. – I spend much time cursing her…

  16. KLZ

    I heard the cat hair fairy was secretly a scam – they’re trying to get a foot in the door to claim any teeth, eyelashes or organs your family may lose in the future. Still…kinda worth it though, right?

  17. I would like all of your fairies listed above and to add to the list I would like a mannered fairy that can sprinkle my kids with the words please and thank you while they are sleeping.

  18. Hilarious!

    If you find the cat hair fairy, be sure to send her to my house! I’m tired of running the vacuum every day!

  19. Also a car fairy to keep the tank always full of gas, change the oil regularly, and clean Cheez-Its and dog vomit out of the upholstery.

  20. LOVE this, lady!

    And when you find those fairies? Send them (and their wings!) my way! 🙂

  21. liz

    Ooh, ooh, WAIT! What about a fairy that deals with empty paper towel rolls? Or, should I say, paper towel rolls that have just the last sheet left…the one that was glued to the cardboard. Yes, what about a fairy for that??

  22. you don’t need references. craigslist is totally safe.

  23. Lisa

    I want a toilet paper fairy.
    I am so over sitting there while I “drip dry” hollering for my children that never hear me.
    How is it that it is always just magically empty on my turn?!

  24. Cat Hair Fairy … I dunno. I guess I could use one of those. I mean, if she’s available.

  25. Please send that wayward sock fairy my way.
    My washer eats those tiny baby socks. Hmph.

  26. I would like a “Hair Removal Fairy”. This fairy would remove hair from brushes, the bathroom floor and even the drain when necessary. And life would be so so much less disgusting.

  27. My husband totally believes in Cleaning Fairies who will magically pick up after him when no one is looking… *SIGH*

  28. CDG

    Do you think the Cat Hair Fairy has a cousin who would replace bags of dogs hair with gift cards to Barnes and Noble?


    How about a Half Lost Toy Fairy who whisks off your rogue Little People and replaces them with Melissa & Doug sushi sets and/or Lego kits?

  29. purseblogger

    I need all of those too! Esp. the cat hair fairy. LOVE this!

  30. May all the fairies descend gayly upon your house!

  31. I need the Lidless Tupperware Fairy, immediately. I can’t even bribe the girl into cleaning out the shelves anymore. Of course, I could just get rid of most of it, but you never know when you’ll need a 1/4 cup container, right? RIGHT??

  32. Is there a fairy that will remove pee from the side of the toilet?

  33. Pop

    Rolls on my stomach fairy?
    The multiple chins fairy?

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