There’s a smudge on your face.

First things First. Project: Purse and Boots is going to be renamed Project: Break Lori’s Heart. And I mean in the good way. The enthusiasm, creativity and universal support has made me cry in all sorts of wonderful ways. In case anyone was NOT on Twitter over the weekend where I was chirping like a canary on a hot tin perch, Poppy hijacked a reporter from the Vancouver Voice who wrote an article about Poppy’s night out and the project. You absolutely must go to PPNB when you are done here and read the juicy scandalous version of events.

But over here at Chez Lori, where I do NOT have a sequined bag to take out on the town, Home Things happened.

Yes, Home Things. Remember that big project with the hot tub and the dumpster? Well, there’s that big shell of a vacant space now to be dealt with.

I hate dealing with things. I much prefer when other people deal with things. Dealing with things requires mental energy and discipline. I’d much rather keep an eye on things. When keeping an eye on things you can eat chocolate or read design magazines. Dealing with things is easy to confuse with work. Work and dealing with things are closely related I think. Inbred cousins, perhaps.

So one of the things to be dealt with were these worn, weathered chairs.

Sorry about the striped effect. We have a trellis that wreaks havoc with my lighting for outdoor photographs. It’s disconcerting, I know. Please don’t have a seizure.

Now these are in fact, extra chairs. Once upon a time they went with a patio table set, but they were too large and too awkward and you know what isn’t conducive to eating a nice, leisurely meal on your patio? Getting trapped in your chair because you’ve been wedged between the patio table and the rear wall of the house and needing to plead with your laughing teenagers to lift the table away so you can be freed before the evening mosquitos reduce you to a pulp in a fleece hoodie.

Not that that has ever happened.

Let’s just go with that, okay?

So I decided that they would be perfectly fine extra chairs if we did something to them. Like send them to finishing school or make them take polo lessons.

We decided to paint them instead.

Because we are about as bright as dryer lint.

I happened to have some green leftover from the front door, and we chose a jaunty sky blue to go with the green.

Doesn’t that sound lovely?

Yes yes. You’re neck and neck with a brine shrimp there, baby. You were supposed to say, “No, Lori! Run! Run from painting the chairs! My God, don’t you know what you’re getting yourself into? SAVE YOURSELF!”

But you were also supposed to say that two weeks ago when I started.

Yes, I started two weeks ago. Stop judging me.

So. Let’s begin here.

Note that in the artist’s rendering, I have only one chin. I also have nostrils but no nose. And oddly, I’m okay with that.

Now look at the chairs. Look at all those slats. Slats on the seat. Slats on on the backrest. Imagine how much leaning has to be done to reach all those surfaces.

And now we have this:


But, carry on we must. Because we’ve started now and stopping will just look stupid.

Now, those chairs have lots of nooks and crannies where the various pieces come together, and they’re a little difficult to see if you don’t shift your body just so…

And then we have this:


But, we’re halfway there, so we just keep at it, and then we think about all the under spaces and we decide to turn just a little bit in order to reach them…

And now we’re here:


Ok, just turned the damned chairs over now so we can reach the underside and start painting there, being careful to not let too much paint drip down, because down is now the top of chair and drips will be really obvious, not to mention confusing to people who will wonder if gravity just doesn’t work at your house. And given where certain anatomy is on my body now compared with where it used to be, I would kill for that to be true.

But back to our Painting Epoch. I mean, Epic.

Shut up.

So now that the chair is upside down, we can see all the surfaces that were invisible and &*#@ there is a lot of unpainted geography! Ok, don’t lose heart, just dig deep…deeper…we can do it. Now lean over the legs so we can reach that last little bit…and….

Ok. I think we should stop now.

There may be toxicity issues.

But after all that, now the chairs look like this:

There is somewhat less paint on the chairs than there was on me, but the end result was good.

So, about those points:

My current score is +29 Martha Points.

For painting four of the meanest, nastiest, squirmiest, most awkward patio chairs in the history of butts: +15 Martha Points.

But with a 1 Point deduction for every place that got paint on it that was not supposed to get paint on it, I now stand at: -18 Points.

Did I mention that all this work on the patio is in anticipation of Himself’s 50th Birthday? No?

So no fretting. I’ll earn them back with the party.

I hope.

Now go read Poppy and the Paparazzi.


Filed under Humor, Illustrated Post, Project: Purse and Boots

39 Responses to There’s a smudge on your face.

  1. liz

    they look beautiful! you can’t see any collateral damage via the internet, so you could have kept that part quiet. 🙂

  2. Well done. Sorry about the fancy highlights turning green and blue. Could you go to Himself’s party as a clown?

  3. First, I love your highlights! Second, the chairs look wonderful! Last, may I suggest the spray on type paint if you want to paint more chairs.

    The downside is you have to stand upwind from the prevailing breeze when you use it. But generally you get less paint on you unless the wind suddenly changes and you find yourself standing in a colored mist

    • LOL…I’ve done the spray paint thing. Mostly I object to the amount of spray paint NECESSARY. Yeesh, you go through so much!

      Also, last year I spray painted PVC pipe to make a pavillion for our wedding, and after two poles I thought my finger was going to fall off.


  4. KLZ

    Great, now I have to find a way to one up Poppy with the purse. I wish I’d gotten it before she had. That was probably part of her plan.

    But – I secretly love the chairs. Even if they did lower your points.

    • Poppy has set the bar pretty darned high.

      Although I think hijacking a media person is probably a pretty rare occurence.

      But if anyone could do it, Poppy could.

  5. Where are the laughing teenagers to assist in the manual labor? I would so not risk my hilights, well maybe the gray ones.

  6. The chairs look great, Lori! Hope your hair wasn’t ruined. I’d be some kind of ticked if my highlights ended up blue or green. I’m with Poppy on this one–where were the laughing teenagers?!?!?

    • I got it all out eventually. But…I just didn’t realize how much paint I was getting everywhere. Every time I leaned over to reach some awkward angle, there was new paints somewhere where there SHOULD NOT BE PAINT.

      I believe it was done on purpose.

  7. The chairs are worth what happened to your lovely nostrilly noseless face.

    They look wonderful and will just make the party. In fact, the party couldn’t go on without those chairs.

    And dang that Poppy, for just classing up this Pursey Galore hop, dang it.

    • Truly? I really like them too.

      Despite the blue and green hair.

      And yes, Poppy’s got people sweating. Which, it is possible, was her secret plan all along.

  8. I once helped repaint an old crib. holy crannies, batman!

    off to read about Pursey.

  9. I am very impressed by the outcome. At my house, not only would I have been covered in paint, but the chairs would look like I had seizures while painting.

  10. Why the heck are you deducting so many points? Honestly, I’m not sure about your relationships with numbers…
    Those chairs look great!

  11. Chairs look great and drawings are hilarious. I think you should frame them in one of those frames that holds several individual pics (sequence of pics). Next time, take your leftover paint to the paint store and have them put it in spray cans. It’s much easier…or pay the kids to do the painting. I use my son for cheap labor on the projects I want to keep an eye on. It works great.

    • I didn’t even know they could do that with the leftover paint…

      Good heavens I hate when I don’t know things like that!

      And I did conscript one teenager to help.

      But I was worried that I would violate several child protection laws if I made the younger ones help. That was nasty, painting those chairs.

  12. Hello I found you a few weeks ago via several blogs we both seem to frequent and have been meaning to say hello…Hello! Those chairs look fab, I had my doubts when I read the colors but they look awesome!

    • Hello there you! Lovely to meet you!

      It came out fairly well. And I did get all the paint out of my hair eventually.

      When I blogged about painting the door green, a lot of people had the same response. Umm…green? But hey, that looks nice!

      Although by no means have a perfect track record for color selection.

      The family room? Painted 4 times. Master bedroom too.

      I’m amazed sometimes that my husband still speaks to me.

  13. I am new to your blog, so I obviously don’t know yet about your prior painting projects…but I have to say that I love the blue and green! Cute on your face, too, and I wish I could be as cute in an artist’s rendition as you are.

  14. You?

    Are so awesome.

    You need more cartoons on this blog.

    I laughed so hard.

    So very very hard.


  15. Great colors. And I think people who can paint and NOT get paint on themselves and everywhere else are not actually human but are made from some sort of space polymer.

  16. I think they look great! If it had been me, I’d have done something very un-Martha- y and tossed the chairs and bought new ones. Kudos to you!

    • I was sooooo tempted… Let me tell you.

      But even though we only entertain out there a few times a year, we are sort of aware that we don’t have enough seating out there.

      In retrospect, I’m having a hard time rationalizing. I know the paint was $20 and new chairs would have been $200, but…for heavens sake…my hair!

      These arguments don’t go over so well with Himself.

  17. I think the smudges were worth it! They look 1,000 times better than before. Good job!

  18. First, love your artist rendering of your yourself…and your noseless-nostrils. Secondly, love that you thought that somebody mighat acutually question whether or not gravity worked at your house. And lastly…the chairs look fantastic and were worth getting paint everywhere!

    • My cats test gravity on a regular basis to ensure that it is actually working.

      Topaz especially will just knock things off whatever surface she happens to be on.

      “Annnd….*klunk!*…Yep! Gravity is still on people! No worries!”

      This is my cat.

  19. I never really noticed how beautiful your eyes are until that last graphic.

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