The Phone in the Sink

Child B doesn’t get a lot of air time on the blog.

Clearly we love him less.

What’s the point in even having the children if we can’t engage in blatant favoritism?

Or it could just be that he’s older and out learning how to have a life of his own so he’s not around to wreak the same amount of havoc the way the younger two are.

That sounds less like something that will have parenting authorities at my door. We’ll go with that one.

Child B has his moments. Few but glorious.

One evening he walks into the bedroom, holding one of the handsets from the new phone-o-pus we bought.

The phone-o-pus is so named because it came with FOUR handsets.

There are only five people in our family, and three of them only live here half the time.

I asked Himself why we needed a phone that came with FOUR handsets.

The answer, obviously,  is that I am stupid. There could be a phone handset emergency. There could be a desperate situation wherein life on Earth as we know it is dependent upon us being no more than 11 feet from a phone.

When this hypothetical communications-based armaggedon is nigh, we are ready.

Except now we’re not.

Now, basically, you’re all gonna die.

Child B walks into the bedroom holding one of the handsets from the phone-o-pus which is making an odd noise.

I am at the computer, Himself is sitting on the bed.

Child B raises the handset as announces, “The phone fell into the sink.”

I turn away from the computer. “Excuse me?” I say.

“The phone fell into the sink.”


“So the phone, by some mysterious force, leapt into a basin full of water? Is the phone suicidal? Did the phone show willful intent to do self-harm? Was the phone trying to save another electronic device?”

Child B looks at the handset, looks at me, looks at his dad. Then says, “No, I was talking on the phone and holding it against my shoulder while I was washing my hands and it fell into the sink.”

“So what really happened,” says his dad, “is that you dropped the phone into the sink?”

“Yeah, ok, I guess. You could put it that way.”

“Well that way makes a certain amount of sense.” I say. “The alternative is that we need to find a psychologist for our telecommunications equipment.”

“I think it’s okay though,” he says. “The display’s not working but you can talk on it.”

Except I’m hearing a weird noise that has nothing to do with the odd people with whom we occasionally speak on the phone.

And it turns out the phone was NOT fine. It died a squeaky, electronic death a day or two later.

Which means our phone-o-pus now has only three handsets.

So when that desperate humanity-saving telephone-reaching situation occurs, well…


Feel free to blame the 18-year-old.

And his girlfriend too. I’m sure she somehow inspired the phone dropping.

It’s what girlfriends do.



Filed under Humor

40 Responses to The Phone in the Sink

  1. Thank you for always putting life in perspective in such a humorous way. Today I listed you as one of my Top 10 Blogs I Enjoyed This Week. Have a great day!

  2. Klz

    Obviously you are stupid.

    Because phones? When having to endure the drama of teenage relationships? Will often leap to their deaths.

    Which is precisely why you need a phone-o-pus.

    (clearly you’re not stupid. Just not up to date on phone psychology. It’s evolved a lot in the past few years.)

  3. oh too funny. my parents have a phone-o-pus. i’m so glad you put a name to it and now i know that the world could potentially end without it.

    oh dear Lori….

  4. You are correct that 4 handsets is, ahem, a lot of handsets for a CA house.

    We’re considering getting rid of ours altogether!

  5. Well, it’s a good thing the phone-o-pus has so many handsets, since the teenager will continue to talk to the girlfriend and may very well ruin enough of them that you will be left with one.

    Which would then have to be off limits in the kitchen or bathroom, anywhere near water.

    I love that the phone may have been suicidal…

  6. Man, I had such hopes that finally we’d found the one.

    The one handset to save us all.

    The search continues…

  7. Oh sure Lori, blame the girlfriend, blaaaame the girlfriend. I can see it now… all my beautiful daughter’s names will be sullied and tarnished by mother’s of the boys in their lives. I am so glad I read this…

  8. Maybe the phone knows something we don’t know. About the impending apocalypse.


  9. When we bought our phone(s) I thought that having three handsets was ridiculous. Craig assured met that I was ridiculous. Hrmph.

    Here’s why: I am incapable of putting the phone back on the base. If I need a phone, I have to use that handy “I’m a moron and lost my phone” locating feature. Usually, the couch cushions cough up one or two of them. 😉

    Not that you asked.

  10. You only have 3 handsets now? I think you’re gonna need a new one. Three isn’t going to cut it.

  11. Um…Lori?

    I don’t know how to say this, but…

    It’s just that…

    …you see…

    All of the cool kids have 4 handsets MINIMUM.

    And like, you’ve only got 3…?

    And 4 was, like, the least amount you could have and I could still hang out with you, so…

    I’m afraid …

    …I have to go now.


    – B x

  12. Probably it’s too late now but phones that have fallen or been pushed into water can be occasionally resuscitated by sticking them in a bag full of rice for 1-2 days to absorb all the moisture. However I think they have to be rushed into the RCU immediately and not after they have give up the ghost.

    We only have two handsets & I can never find the damn things. Four would just give me two more to lose.

  13. At least he told you about the phone’s suicide attempt instead of acting like he had no idea what happened. A lot of 18 year olds would do that for sure. 🙂

  14. My parents have a phone-o-pus, too. Four handsets for two people. And they never use their landline, only their cell phones.

    Maybe Child B could visit my parents and drop a few phones? I really think it would make their lives simpler.

  15. See, this is why I only keep the land line for junk calls. That way the location and health of our pitiful 2 handsets is not that important to me.

    …It’s just too painful to lose a handset to which I’ve become so attached…

  16. How funny! Oh, the things I have to look forward to as my kids get older!

  17. We have four handsets for our home phone – none which we use. This is good, because when I do use them, they generally end up being left in the fridge or the tub. My husband and I both use our cell phones, and rarely answer the home phone – solicitors usually – the messages reached full capacity ages ago and we never got around to checking them . I occasionally hear from exceptionally annoyed friends who never got a call back – oops!

    Thanks for your note on my post at Liz’s – and yes, I AM moving to Northern Cal. We need to talk!


  18. Dear Ms. Lori, aka Mother of Child B.,
    Mother Hen here, to look on the bright side!
    The high-diving headset did not choose to swan dive into the toilet.
    May it rest in peace.
    Mournfully yours,
    Mother Hen

  19. That many phones gives me more phones to lose.

  20. I totally have a favorite child, TOO!
    Oh, wait. No. I meant, “I drop my phone into watery basins all the time, TOO!”
    Or maybe I meant, “We have four receivers and can only find two of them because the other two seem to pack their knapsacks and run away from home every two weeks.”

    Yep. We’ll go with those last two.

  21. phone-o-pus?

    I read that as phone o’ pus.


  22. Dare I even whisper such a thing, but we have more than 4 …
    Hey its FL, we need more phones, the humidity slows us down, the houses are bigger and we always lose a couple … and we’re not even that old yet.
    When we hit the Floridian senior scene, sure we will need one for every room!

  23. We’ve got four ,also. And? Can’t find one of them when the phone rings. I go racing around the damn house every time and find one just in time for them to hang up or leave a damn message.

  24. My blackberry is a cutter. I try to cover her up with bandages, but she just scratches right through them.

  25. The parents have got a phone-o-pus as well. ‘Cept we still can’t ever find one anywhere.

    I guess the sink is better than where my friend found her cell: in the toilet with the floating dookie.

  26. We also have a phone-o-pus.

    5 handsets.

    3 people.

    Tiny ranch house.

    Although it does make being lazy a lot easier.

  27. The phone may have had a death wish if it was stuck listening to teenage drama. I know I feel that way sometimes.

  28. I am nodding my head at the wisdom of purchasing a phone with four handsets. Why?

    Well, we had a phone with two. Two handsets in a small-ish house. It should have been enough. Until we lost one…and then the other, leaving us with only our cell phones to return messages on the answering machine.

    We did end up finding one of the handsets – six months later. It was, for some reason, outside on the air conditioning unit. I’d like to blame a child, but the fence surrounding said unit is 5 feet high.

    Must have been the husband.

  29. Here’s some math.

    We have five phones that came with our set. Five.

    We have three teenage daughters. There are zero times those phones are on their chargers and I run around the house screaming wildly, “Where are all the f**king phones” and yes, I do drop the f bombs occasionally in front of my teenagers especially when it involves missing phones. If anyone wants to call Child Protective Services on me, drop me a line, I’ll give you my address. I could use a break from kids.

    I found one of the phones outside this morning. We had thunderstorms and tornado warnings last night. We now have four phones.

  30. Right now we have 3 phones. But I really want 2 more. Cause I’m lazy. If the thing rings? I want to reach from my recliner/desk chair/bed with minimal effort. I need one yet upstairs so as not to kill myself tumbling down in a rush to grab the phone. It might be Publishers ClearingHouse calling to find where to bring the check. And I need one for my future bathroom with the spa tub where I will one day be at 75% of the time.

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  32. So, when you said “phone-o-pus” I immediately thought that you had a phone that looked like a cat.

    So, your son drowned your phone-cat.

    I would blame the girlfriend too.

  33. Can I just say…we have 6 people living here: 3 full-time, 2 half-the-time and 1 most of the time and we have zero, count ‘em zero handsets! We don’t even have a “land line” at all…are we missing out?

  34. Is this post hilarious because I don’t have kids yet? Nah, I imagine it’d be equally hilarious if I did. Well, unless it was my phone he dropped. Thanks for the morning chuckle 🙂

  35. Let’s see, your twitter profile reads, “Working-mom, Domestic Goddess In Training, trying to keep my home and my kids cat-hair free!” Were you not able to fit “snarky” in there someplace? I mean that in the nicest way. Well, sort of. Don’t want the complements to go to your head.

  36. Child B and Teva should talk. I always worry I’m not giving her enough blog time. The truth is, she is just too quick, physically and mentally, to cooperate with my constant desire to wrap my cats in cellophane. Perhaps the same is true of Child B.

  37. I’m not sure why I’m so behind on your blog, but clearly I am. That said, we, too, have a phone-o-pus. We have 2 adults in our house and 5 – yes FIVE – handsets. Why? Why on earth do we need 5? Do we live in a 10,000 sq ft mansion with a separate wing? It sometimes feels that way compared to our old house, but no. There is 1 upstairs in our bedroom (makes perfect sense), 1 in the basement (kind of unusual, but ok), 1 in the garage (WTH?) and 2 on the main floor – 1 in the kitchen (obviously) and 1 in the living room. Because apparently going the 15 ft from the one in the kitchen to the one in the living room is going to make the difference between catching the call and missing it. Men and their over-the-top, electronic toys.

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