The Merry Wives of Twitter

“The dishwasher! It is loaded inefficiently! It was his weakness. But also, his strength.”

-Child A

Said after dinner as the children were cleaning up.

Which seemed apropos, since earlier I had Tweeted this:

Except of course “the” was really supposed to be “thy” because it’s ALWAYS “thy” when you’re ripping off Shakespeare and don’t tell me that I did it wrong, I KNOW that already.

My therapist says that I should explain that I’m using poetic license when this happens and not get agitated at people who might have thought that I did it wrong. But the truth is that I know I did it wrong, you know I did it wrong, and I can sing “poetic license” to the tune of “Oh Suzannah” till the cows come home and it won’t make it true.

It wasn’t poetic license, it was a mistake.

It would also help if I had a therapist to tell me these things, but really I’m just saying them to myself. And between you, me and the half eaten peanut-butter sandwich on my desk, I don’t know if that’s better or worse.

After that, I tweeted this:

And this time I got the “thy” right.

Which I think now entitles me to an honorary doctorate from the Prestigious University of my choosing.

And I, of course, will choose the one with the best hats.

But before you worry that Twitter was silent on the issue, this voice called to me from the darkness. (Pretty dark, yeah. Tweetdeck has that black background.)

Oh my god. At this point, I’m pretty sure the silver pot should get an honorary doctorate from the Prestigious University of its choosing.

How bloody smart is my cookware?

Then however, I got this:

Ok, THAT was clearly wrong.

I can’t do pizza. First, Himself and dairy don’t mix. Second, I got mucho griefo on the suggestion of ham and pineapple atop the cheese.

I offered that perhaps if we listened more closely that we would hear a song of Thai food. Surely the silver pot singeth of spring-rolls and spicy noodles.

Twitter then suggested that that could be true, as the silver pot sangeth off key.

Which, if I were a singing silver pot, would offend me.

But while the silver pot sangeth songs of Italian food and Southeast Asian cuisine, I had a trio of bulbous fruits to consider.

Which led to this tweet:

Which is totally not slingin’ the Elizabethan lingo, verbiage-wise.

You would NEVER baba your ganoush in 15th century England.

You might verily babeth thy ganoushes, but even that’s a stretch.

I don’t think they even had ganoushes back then.


Does this mean I have to give the hat back?


Filed under Humor

25 Responses to The Merry Wives of Twitter

  1. i must confess: i rarely baba my ganoush no matter the century i’m in.

    also, i end sentences with prepositions. eep!

  2. i’m sorry, but i’m not even sure if you got the “speaketh” right. is it an imperative? as in “speak to me of your beauty”? in that case it keeps the same form. if your intent is to say that the pot speaks to you, then “speaketh” would be appropriate, but even by shakespeare’s day (and even he was spelling his name in a variety of ways) the usage varied between “speaketh” and “speaks” for third person present singular.

    the imperative is just the same as in modern english: “sing to me of thy bounty”, “speak to me”, blah, blah.

    most people should just leave off the “eths” and leave it at that. and if the english of shakespeare is too troubling for you, don’t even bother with west saxon literary dialect, which you can learn for free . don’t say i didn’t warn you.

  3. It’s too early to respond in like, but that was too stinkin’ funny. @TexasHolly is always up for a round of twitter banter, thank goodness.

  4. Oh my god. Seriously, I have like no idea what you just said.

    Hahah. Baba thy ganoushes? Hilarious.

  5. KLZ

    Woman, I love you and all but “sing a song of pizza” has got to be the single greatest tweet I have ever seen.

  6. liz

    Craig turned me on to pineapple and canadian bacon pizza, and I feel it’s the most misunderstood of all pizza toppings.

    Also? When your twitter stream gets all Shakesperean, I feel so inferior. 🙂

  7. Verily, I don’t understand the ham and pineapple pizza haters. ‘Tis truly the nectar of the gods.

  8. I’m not smart enough to comment on this post.

    apparently I need to get out my Shakespeare anthology and do a little brushing up.

  9. They had ganoushes in the 15th century. It’s been known in Europe since like the time of the Roman Empire.

    Fun fact for the day.

  10. Kim F

    Um. A pacing steed isn’t a horse?? Crap. I can’t even baba ganoushes either. *sigh* You rule, O Wise Queen of the Universe. Even if you mistaketh the e for the y on occassion-eth 🙂

  11. Ok, first of all? I didn’t understand a single gee dee word of this post.

    I did catch how you thought others would notice the was not thy. Girl. You have simpletons like myself hanging on every last tweet you twat and that shit flies over my head.

    So, take a hat from anywhere you want. If it’s from Nordstrom, I’ll probably ask to borrow it. If it’s like one of those hats with a tassel, please stick it on your tit.

  12. I have theories about people who feel the need to Shakespearianize their tweets. Non of which include tasseled bosoms. But I may have to rethink that one.

  13. I taught Shakespeare to high schoolers for 16 years.
    I think I loveth thou.
    (but not in a creepy way. just lispy, apparently.)

  14. Nay! Useth iteth aseth a CHAMBER POT!
    OOOOO….and accidentally toss it out of the window and a perfect moment…

  15. Crap. Now Oh Suzanna is playing in my head.

    PS-loved the therapist conversation

  16. Ganoushes? Thou shall speak no more of it, lest I cry. Sigh 🙂

  17. I don’t think I am smart enough to comment on this post either. And I consider (-ed, past tense as of now) myself to be well-read. Darn.

  18. Having only gone to a California State college (without good hats, I might add) I feel that I am not quite worthy of commenting on such a post as thou. Or thine? Thee? Crapeth me pants, I stink at this.

    But now I will listen more closely to my pots and pans, in case they start talking and sending me for pizza.

  19. Wait…who’s Shakespear? Is he hot?

  20. Mother Hen is not sure what “babeth thy ganoushes” means, but it sounds awfully dirty, and she means that in the best possible way!

  21. Tim@sogeshirts

    This post made me feel dumb. Even funnier that someone tried to correct the shakespeartastic phrases in the comments. Lol at baba ganoush.

  22. I am still laughing at “singing a song of pizza!”

  23. isn’t it “spake” instead of “speaketh?”

    what do I know…I got a C+ in my shakespeare class in college. (Don’t tell Nichole!)

  24. Sing a song of pizza. It’s love!

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