The Chosen Three

Written by Himself, The Royal Consort

Firstly, we – the Royal Consort –  offer our sincere thanks to all our lovely courtiers-in-waiting (CIW’s) who proffered their applications for a coveted position in HM’s Court.

Secondly, we must inform said CIWs that circumstances of the judging have changed slightly. We have been forced to usurp all decision-making authority for ourselves, as the court hairballs Topaz and Nimbus have proven themselves to be highly unreliable in the assessing of personal character. (It would reflect poorly on HM’s esteemed reputation to elaborate; suffice it to say they show no discrimination whatsoever in their overtures toward visitors of HM’s Court.) [And plus? We relish any opportunity to usurp.  We find usurping to be… how do the commoners phrase it?… a “turn-on.”]

And so it is time for our ‘big reveal.’ (Relax, ladies – it’s not what you’re thinking.)

For her laser-guided boobs and prodigious talent in using said boobs to bed the widest array of Court hangers-on, thereby gaining access to inside information on Court intrigue and nefarious plots to undermine HM’s authority, we choose the lovely Katie from the Nation of Sluiter as first courtier to HM Lori.  (We also love The Beatles.)

For her incredible talents in the creation of suitably amazing bling that coordinates with, enhances, and further illuminates HM’s already luminous luminosity, and her self-evident access to inside information on the Court hairballs that will provide HM Lori with key leverage to keep said hairballs in their place, we select the stunning Fire Wife Katie as second courtier to HM Lori.  (Doest thou detect a trend?  Don’t get carried away. Besides, only two Katies entered the contest.)

And last but of course not least, for her amazing recall of obscure TV theme song lyrics – a talent that can be the critical difference during a heated game of Trivial Pursuit: 80’s Edition – we bestow upon the effervescent Missy the Wonder Friend the honor of third courtier to HM Lori.  (For the record? The bribe was the clincher. We are not above accepting bribes. Far from it – we positively encourage bribes.)

So we present for your appreciation and admiration the official courtiers of HM Lori, Lady Katie, Lady Fire Wife Katie, and Lady Missy Wonder Friend. Congratulations to you all.

And we would be remiss in our duties if we failed to mention honorable mentions to KLZ for her persistence and to The Next Martha for her juiciest of gossip.  We do appreciate the gossip and the tenacity but in the end it’s always going to boil down to talent.  That, and bribes.


Filed under Humor

32 Responses to The Chosen Three

  1. Klz

    I blame hanging chads for this

    • Himself

      Chad had nothing to do with this. Chad’s been persona non gratis at HM’s Court ever since The Incident. (And for the record, he’s not that hung.)

  2. I’m with KLZ. Dammit.

    Great pictures, though. True royalty.

  3. URGH – See, I knew you’d discriminate against me, JUST because I forgot to enter.

    I mean, is that fair?

    I’m thinking no.

  4. Those pictures are awesome!!

  5. “Well. Humph.” She said as she flounced off in a huff.

  6. TheNextMartha

    Trust me if you were stranded on a desert island? You’d wish you had me around for my talent AND all my UNtold gossip.

  7. Surferwife

    I’m going to go slit my wrists now.

    Your artistic ability is breath taking.

  8. This is fantastic!! Such an honor! Bling chairs all around! And maps.

    “People out there in our nation don’t have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as…”

  9. I will remember this, Himself. I will remember.

    Next time I sleep with your wife I won’t be so…gentle.

  10. So glad I went for underachiever status as the court jester!

  11. Whatever.

    I have my own bejeweled underwear that I can put on my head and pretend it’s a crown. I also have two hairballs can boss around.

    I don’t need you!!!


  12. Whoo hoo!!!! I never win anything! This is fantastic! And I had no idea I had such a lovely dress…I must wear that more often. That tiara is never leaving my head!

  13. It’s because I said my head was freakishly large, right?

    You didn’t want to have to add the extra gold to make it the big-ass size I required.

    Hmph. (I would’ve supplied my own.)

  14. Oh, the artwork.

    Oh, and you all?

    I’d go for thenextmartha’s …b/c the one was one bit of juicy gossip.

  15. To Mr. Himself,
    Obviously, discrimination is alive and well in Queen Lori’s court! How else can Mother Hen’s exclusion from the chosen threesome. (Inference intended)
    There was nothing in the rules that stated applicants must be human. Nothing!
    It is unfortunate that chickens can’t pout.
    Indignantly yours,
    Mother Hen

  16. Pft…you didn’t pick me because I’m Canadian and you can’t handle our Canadian bacon and chocolate smarties and ketchup chips….it’s ok…I forgive you 😉

  17. It’s truly hard to compete with laser-guided boobs, but I’m putting in my application now for court jester.

  18. CDG

    Well, Lori…

    It’s lucky I have a crush the size of Alaska on you which compels me to stay alive for the next illustrated post.

    Otherwise I’d have to crawl off into the woods and die.

    Or something maybe less dramatic and life-ending.

  19. Pingback: Tweets that mention The Chosen Three | In Pursuit of Martha Points —

  20. Sigh.
    Just as well. I’d just trip over those lovely court gowns anyway.

  21. Fine. That’s juuust fine.

    Really, whatever. I didn’t want it anyway!

    When Empress Alexandra comes to enslave the court, will MY knee-punch army be coming to the rescue? No; I think that it will not.

    So nyeh nyeh nyeh!

  22. Wow, I am humbled by not only your incredible artwork but by these lovelies that you have chosen. Over me. I’ll be the first to admit I’m not that Royal-ish, and The Chalupa has the whole Court Jester thing wrapped up.

    Might I clean the Royal Toilets? Whilst listening to Goody Two Shoes?

  23. I knew I should have bribed earlier!

    Your Ladies are all beautiful and fancy.

  24. I am curtsey-ing up a storm over here. But I have to stop for a second and look up the correct spelling of “curtsey.”

    Yep, that’s it: curtsey. Looks all kinds of wrong.

    Thank you for bestowing upon me such an honor. And Mr. Himself? You have earned a spot on my favorites list.

    Wheee! Off to do some royal cartwheels and pack up a bribe – I mean, gift – for Pursey.

  25. I’m still so hurt. So, so hurt.

  26. Pingback: The Nanny | In Pursuit of Martha Points

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