Thank GOD for Commercials

I don’t watch a lot of tv. It’s on a lot, but generally a sporting event or HGTV in the background. I don’t watch it much.

And as it turns out, this means I have totally screwed up my life.

Today, for instance, I was watching tv in the gym (cause my damned iPod died – have you ever tried to maintain any sort of pace at all on a treadmill while watching college basketball?) and a commercial for Virgin Mobile aired showing a pretty young lady sitting in a tree cyberstalking the guy with whom she’d just had her first date. Because, if you have Virgin Mobile, being a pathetically desperate online Fatal Attraction babe is a breeze!

Which shows just how damned lame I am, because I was silly enough to outgrow the crazy stalker phase by deciding that I am, in fact, hot sh*t and any man oblivious enough to fail to notice was not worth my time. How stupid am I? I completely overlooked the high-tech solution. As well as the tree-climbing solution. Back in MY day, being the crazy stalker chick took a car, gas money, an investment in a wig and a stomach strong enough to live on the Slim Jims you could buy at the Mighty Mini Mart.

And I’m still doing it wrong as I have yet to use my data plan to hack into Himself’s email, I am pitifully cavalier about monitoring his relationship status on Facebook and I’ve never once snuck his phone into the bathroom to read his text messages. I’d better get on that, don’t you think? I HATE doing these things wrong and I am woefully behind the times. In fact, I think radio-tagging is probably not going too far which means that in addition to everything else I need to get done, I need to add “call local wildlife rescue” to the list and order the proper equipment.

In addition to the relationship and self-esteem fail-fest I’ve got going on over here, it also seems I am risking permanent damage to my children. I would not have known had it not been for the attitude-laden, smirking, curly-haired mop-top from the Toyota Highlander commercials.

I, horrifically, neglectfully, have been teaching my children that buying expensive new things if you have functioning old things is irresponsible. I have been brainwashing them by making them consider the impact of new cars on the environment and forcing them to consider *gasp* gas mileage and fuel economy.

I should be taken out and shot.

And, to make matters WORSE, I have been teaching them that judging people based on the things they own is wrong! I’ve been teaching them that people of quality will not care about the clothes they wear or – my god how could I do this to them – the car I drive them around in. Of course people will! Other kids will mock them for be chauffeured about in older cars with dings and cat-claw scratches. And they, of course, are years behind in their own mocking of others. I’m going to tell them to just start making fun of all children for everything effective immediately or they’ll never catch up.

I’m lucky the state hasn’t simply taken them away and put them in foster care.

What else am I doing wrong?

How am I messing up the cats? How have I ruined the resale value of my house? What character defect have I unwittingly foisted upon myself for having not paid attention to advertising?

I’m simply going to start watching tv nonstop to find out.

I’ll get us all back on track in no time.


Filed under Humor

26 Responses to Thank GOD for Commercials

  1. The Virgin Mobile commercial has irritated me since I first saw it. Now that I have seen the Highlander commercial, I have a new commercial to hate. You know another bad one? The Butoni pasta commercial where the woman reaches in front of the man pricing all the packages of pasta, even though the display in 20 feet long of the SAME THING! She couldn’t take it from anywhere else? She just HAS to reach directly in front of his face while the poor man is working so she can look coyly in his eye and say “Butoni?” Grrrr.

  2. The funniest part is your tags…I’m dying laughing.
    Thankfully, I DVR most of the shows I watch so I can skip through the commercials. Perhaps my soul is saved 😉

  3. Klz

    The first time I saw that Toyota highlander commercial, I turned to David, seething, and spit “there’s not one chance we are EVER buying a car to try to impress our CHILD.”

    So angrifying.

  4. Dear Lori,

    You have been messing us up by not feeding us Rachael Ray’s line of organic and environmentally-friendly food.

    The Cats

  5. I drive a Highlander (did before that commercial came out) and I was disgusted by that commercial…but what was worse? The Lexus commercial that came out before it that was a similar vein. I havent’ been able to find it on YouTube but it sends even a more materialistic, image-conscious message than the Toyota one.


  6. The most horrible commercials are the Swiffer ones with the humanized dirt that falls in love with the mop. Every time I see one of them I am filled with rage that someone would think this stupid dreck would appeal to me, since I am clearly their target audience. It insults my intelligence.

    I haven’t hacked into DH’s phone yet either. Probably I ought to. God only knows what he is up to with that thing

  7. I totally agree! All of those commercials bug me! thank goodness for my DVR. But even on fast forward they are annoying

  8. Yes, I HAVE tried to pace myself on a treadmill while watching college basketball. It was a half hour of Inferno-esque suffering I’ll never repeat.

    And if that little girl from the Toyota commercial had been in my gym at the time, I’m not sure I could’ve controlled myself.

    I would’ve made her sit beside my treadmill singing “I’ve Gotta Feelin’” until I’d finished my workout, then I wouldn’ve driven her home in my dirty car with the cracked windshield.

    Of course, the slow-speed police chase would’ve been a lowpoint of my day…

    So it’s a good thing she wasn’t there.

  9. Due to blogging I no longer have time to watch TV, and I come here to find I have been doing everything wrong? Thanks a friggin lot.

    PS Himself has a Facebook account? This seems inconceivable.

  10. I have a solution. Use your DVR and fast forward through all the commercials. This way, you won’t feel the need for more laundry additives, a terrific appliance that makes omelets and bakes cakes, beer, and makeup that removes fine lines and wrinkes after only one week…xo

  11. Before DH and I got married? I had stopped watching TV completely. Now we have it on constantly. CAN’T STAND IT! The only shows I watch, I DVR, so I almost never see commercials. Except during the Super Bowl.

  12. Ellachanted

    You are such a bad mom.

    I myself have failed in the cyberstalking arena. I guess I need to read up on how to do this.


    I am too busy ruining my cats lives today by using cheap house brand cat litter. They must be so embarrassed when their cat friends come over.

  13. My kids already think we suck as parents, since we don’t own a big screen TV (gasp!) and (get ready for this one) we only own ONE TV! Oh, and we drive our cars into the ground. Then resurrect them.

    And yeah, to think I’d ever buy something to impress my kid or other kids? Insane.

  14. Sadly, I think it is just going to get worse. Why? Because commercials and tv programs in general are the examples kids today have of what their lives should be like.
    They use Facebook and sometimes Twitter to star in their own little mini-dramas. Except when they become great big dramas – like here in Omaha where a teenager posted his last words on Facebook before going to his high school and shooting and killing the assistant principal and then turning the gun on himself.
    Anything we can do as parents to unplug them from all of this and help them differentiate between real life and the Toyota commercials is going to help, I think.
    Sorry I got up on a soapbox there – I have 2 middle-schoolers and this post (great post, btw!) really touched on some issues I think are very serious today.

  15. wait. you lost me at commercials. what are commercials?

    we have tivo.

    and satellite radio.

    i do not understand this commercials thing. So I will now go drive away in my 2002 silver and rust chevy cavalier (which they don’t make anymore…ooo! vintage!) in which my 20 month old son needs to fold his legs to fit in his car seat or else his feet would be in the front seat with me.

    wait. what were we talking about again?

  16. liz

    At first I was going to say I feel left out because I never watch commercials (DVR only, baby!), but I realize that I’m probably a lot better off for not. 🙂

  17. I have never seen the Virgin Mobile commerical but I did the see the Toyota commercial the other day on my computer. If we learned all of our lessons from these commercials we would be a sad state of people. Fortunately there is DVR/Tivo and fast forward buttons. So when you find that you are watching tv you should record your shows and then you can skip all of these terrible commericals. Except for the Verizon commercial where the parents are watching the kids shovel snow for their cell phones. Don’t skip that one, it is hilarious.

  18. I don’t DVR (that requires the purchase of something electronic and I just figured out the cans and a string bit) so when a commercial comes on I tend to use it as a great excuse to get more popcorn, potty break or call my husband on the can (This should not be read with the potty break line but rather the one farther above about the cans and the string…just sayin’)
    I’m sure I have totally messed up our lives by having old, paid for cars and never buying name brand (unless its toilet paper and you just can’t skimp on stuff for your can…this can be read with the potty break line and not calling my husband)

  19. Well, Lori, I’m fairly certain you’re talking to much to your family. Get a better texting plan. Also? I don’t think you have enough credit cards. Debt is the new black. Lastly, get hip to the new Wii dance craze. Because if you and Himself don’t do a couple of fist pumps and Usher-esque moves every Saturday night, you’re not connecting properly.

    Great post. Truly. I love commercials.

  20. I haven’t watched commercials in forever – except the ones on Hulu, which are usually for Hulu or some random foundation.

    When I do happen upon them, I’m astounded at how dumb they assume people are. Are people that dumb?

    I mean, I’ve drilled into the girl that looks are everything and you need to only hang out with those people whose income is greater than or equal to yours.

  21. Did you know you can save 15 percent or more by switching your car insurance to Geico? It’s so true.

  22. I haven’t seen any of these…but they sound absolutely ridiculous.

    Commercials annoy me. I watch most of my tv shows online now to get away from them.

    There is one I saw today where a guy’s will is being read and he leaves everything to some bimbo, (his wife is sitting there looking angry) and then he leaves his DirectTV library to his son who humps up and sown screaming in joy (um…yeah right!) THEN they say that that whole big library thing (which by the way, if a library doesn’t have books in it, I do not want it!) is free….so, I’m supposed to be excited because the boy was excited his dad left him something free and gave all the money to the bimbo? Sure. Let me go out and get that product right now.

  23. Thank god I read this!! as soon as my husband comes home I’m sneaking his phone into my pocket to get a good look at it.

  24. My gosh! I’ve missed this too. Too bad my husband doesn’t understand how to text, or I could spy on him.
    I’ve got to get my kids up on judging and jeering, we’re falling down on the job around here! Let me find that TV remote so I can figure out what else we’re missing!

  25. Dear Ms. Lori,
    If your felines aren’t jumping through walls to get cat treats, you obviously aren’t training them right.
    Reprovingly yours,
    Mother Hen

  26. That Toyota ad drives me NUTS.

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