So, ok, this motherhood thing…

So about this motherhood thing.

Do you realize that we do not get the tools we need?

No one prepares us.

No one gives us a manual.

No one considers our Β coping strategies or how that will contribute to our longevity.

This is a crappy return-on-investment protocol. There are husbands and/or pool boys that expect to get YEARS of wear out of us.

We start out like this:

Then in a few short years we are this:

No. This won’t do at all. I don’t care for myself in this state. I need something better.

I need a plan.

I need a…philosophy.

So I did some philosophy shopping.

Or, philososhopping, if you will.

I rejected a few. Sheenism was too manic. Pradaism too expensive, as was the Church of Choo and Blahnik. I briefly considered Gleeing, but I don’t have the wardrobe nor the falsetto. So I settled on a classic:

Yes. This will work. This is what I need.

Grounding.

Centering.

Letting the stresses of the day glide off me like spring rain.

Yep. Check that out.

Spring rain, baby. Spring rain.

Ok, yes well, even the gentlest spring rain can pelt you on occasion. I may feel those drops just a little.

But only a little.

Ohhhhmmmmmm.

So, ok, showers can turn into squalls occasionally.

I’ll just breathe through it.

Yes. Breathe. Rain. Breathe. Rain.

I will spring the crap out of this rain.

SPRING, GODDAMNIT.

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME YOU $%@&ING RAIN????

Aaaaaannnnd….we’re back to square one.

It’s ok.

I’m nothing if not flexible.

If that didn’t work, we’ll just try something new.

I’ve found just the thing.

Aaahhhh….perfect.

53 Comments

Filed under Illustrated Post

53 Responses to So, ok, this motherhood thing…

  1. Klz

    Mom in a box sounds like something lots of people would want to get for Christmas or hannukah or Kwanzaa….every single holiday a mom in a box

  2. I’m not even a mom, and Mom in a Box would work for me. Around the holidays, yes but sometimes just everyday life squashes me like a bug on the windshield. Zen Karen works some days, I try to work that one most days but Karen in a Box sounds more reasonable during the monsoon days.
    πŸ™‚
    lilmuna.blogspot.com

  3. I want a box too. Or earplugs

  4. In my house, there would be a toddler building a space ship out of your mom box… which is whyommy occasionally goes to dinner all by herself – ahh, quiet!

  5. I think the Mom Box should be an essential room built into every house, apartment, condo–like the kitchens and bathrooms. And it should be replete with doors that lock on the inside and have soundproof walls so we can’t hear the ever present (yes, I even hear it when the house is empty): “Hey honey/Mom!… do you know where ___ is?”

    That would be the best birthday/Christmas/anniversary gift ever.

  6. LMAO-just wanted to say that. And that I love your drawings and is there any room in your box for me? PLeaaassseeee.

  7. liz

    I really love the cat question, but then the “toothbrush in the toilet” one took the cake!

  8. findingthehumor

    Wow you described motherhood perfectly in those drawings. I’ve been trying mom in a closet but they find me, so Mom in the Box may be the answer I’m looking for since I can’t afford the creation of a soundproof room hidden behind a secret sliding panel in my room.

  9. “How many cats are we supposed to have?” Hilarious!

    Are that woman in NJ who owned like 20-some tigers and then lost some?

  10. I want this box. Altho right now? Mine will always have a kid in it. And I don’t really want to give birth in my box.

    Perhaps I could get a series of smaller boxes to keep my family in? I would keep them neatly organized in the basement & bring food and water to them daily. Or at least get them a food bowl & one of those hamster waterer thingies (in human size, of course).

  11. MEEEOOOWWWW…..

    Hilarious post! I need a box. I need a box with an electrified force field.

  12. I am disturbed that the right side of your body is slightly longer than the left side.

    And I am convinced that this off-balancedness is what is causing you to lose your zen.

  13. Since I don’t have kids at home, I’m wondering if there is a model that works at work.

  14. Forget the power drill and the toothbrush and the cats.

    You look hot in pink.

  15. Throw a laptop in there, and I”m good.

  16. At the office. Sitting at my desk. Trying. Not. To… SNORT…LAUGHOUTLOUD AND MAKE AN ASS OF MYSELF. BWAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

  17. I have the perfect alternative to Mom in a Box. I have perfected it.

    My husband calls it ostrich syndrome. His Mother who bore and raised 5 children with a husband who traveled weeks at a time she is the master of ostrich syndrome. I have learned at the feet of the master.

    Find a nice hole, ideally it is big enough for your head but it must be at least deep enough for your eyes and ears. Put said head in said hole. Never ever ever remove head from hole. πŸ™‚

    It helsp that I have significant hearing loss in both ears and vanity (yeah vanity) precludes me from buying hearing aids! πŸ˜‰

  18. You totally forgot “Mom with a Cocktail.” She manages to handle pretty much anything. Sure, she might slur her words a bit or sway on her way to the bandaids but damnit, she’s centered. Centered on her next coconut rum and orange juice.
    It works.
    πŸ™‚
    Mindy
    http://www.thesuburbanlife.com

  19. Why can’t they have this room instead of kitchens? I don’t even have kids and there are a lot of days that I’d stay hidden in my box! Love your blog Honey. You make me laugh so hard that the neighbors, (I live in a condo), think I’m going insane. What going, I’m already there! Keep it up!

  20. Yes! I will take ten of those boxes! Please ship them to the temporary mom shelter I have erected.

  21. Make mine a wine box, please.

  22. I think the mom in a box might outsell the brain sponge.

  23. CDG

    Oh, dear lord.

    Does this look infected?

    I am dead. on. the. floor. giggling over here.

  24. Hahaha!! Get this idea to Justin Timberlake & SNL quick! I could see them making a whole song called “Mom in a Box”.

  25. daredevil229

    Hilarious! My version is Mom-in-the-barn, I escape to go milk the cows & goats when overwhelmed. “But MOM, you just did that!!” Poor cows and goats, but you should see all the milk I have!

  26. Hee to the HEE!

    OMG. I’m dying over here. DYING!

    Also, next time give yourself some boobs. That would TOTALLY make it realistic.

    And mom in a box reminds me of that SNL skit with Justin Timberlake…

  27. LOVE this! This is hysterical. Or, perhaps, it would be hysterical if it wasn’t true, so, so true. I have to wonder, is there wine in the box??

  28. Thanks for the giggle! I may have to try out Mom in a box. I think the one that got me was the, “How many cats are we supposed to have?” So funny!

  29. Galit Breen

    Genius. it’s just so..genius! I’ll take one box over here please. With wine inside! XO

  30. I SO want to live in a box. I really do. Because Zen Mom looks wonderful until the damn questions start coming.

    Oh, and they will come…I know of what I speak.

    Great questions, by the way….especially the “how many cats” and “does this look infected” ones…..

  31. Yes, I will take one box please, they’re sound proof right??

  32. I wonder how many moms’ “Mom in a Box” = Mom hiding in the bathroom.

  33. This. is. HILARIOUS. Best post of the day for sure! LOVE.

  34. TheNextMartha

    You. This. Awesome

  35. Too funny
    i find sheenism liberating as it remonds me how totally sane I really am.

  36. New here, but you just successfully had my daughter and I cracking up, out loud yee-haw style laughing for a solid five minutes. I’m now stalking you. Funny shit.

  37. really really…and really funny. My life… you were there?

  38. Does the box have a pillow? cuz i want one!!

    Dood, this is one of your best.ever. so darn funny. I love the progression of mom’s eyes in the drawings.

  39. Oh, this is hilarious! I need a box to hide in. Can it be soundproof?

  40. dude, you could totally sell mom in a box on ebay… $49.95… people would buy it.

  41. I so loved this, specially the drawings- you are brilliant πŸ™‚

  42. To all of it: Yes. Ooohhhmmmm….

    Where do I order the box?

  43. Well, if you will go reproducing, despite my best advice, my love…what do you expect??

    The thing is…Spaniards NEVER ask if anything looks infected, and often they bring a power drill WTH them (go ahead and read into that what you will).

    I’m just sayin.

    Any time you need a break…

    – B x

  44. oh YOU and your BRILLIANCE again
    i do “mom in a laundry room”
    it’s kinda my bunker/speakeasy
    plus nobody even TRIES to go in there
    since they might have to do some laundry

  45. This is fantastic!!
    You should market those boxes! They’d sell out fast.
    I’ll take 2

  46. Your illustrations are hysterical. And Mom in a Box. Love it! So glad I found your blog!

  47. I am book marking this for those times when I see a pudgy face, smiling baby and the pangs in my uterus begin again….

  48. I like moms. And boxes. That idea seems like a win to me.

  49. is this patent pending?

    is it on the market yet?

    I need this. like yesterday.

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