Pitiful Points

I haven’t been tracking the points for a while (-5 Martha points) because I’ve been a little distracted  by a few things. After the Situation Under the Refrigerator, I am humbly sitting at –2 Martha Points.

The fundraiser (+10 Martha Points) has been an awful lot of incredibly fun and rewarding work, and then the Pumpkin War (-5 Martha Points with a -3 Karma Point rider) has been taking up a lot of attention too.

I’ve managed to get a fair amount of holiday decorating done (+6 Martha Points) but at the expense of my house upkeep (-6 Martha Points) which necessitating me outsourcing some of those activities (-8 Martha Points but with a +5 Economic Stimulus credit).

Report cards have arrived and the kids are all doing well (no Martha Points for this activity but there is a Postitive-Parenting-Warm-and-Fuzzy), and although they’re not with us for Halloween, they’ve decided they’re all too old for that stuff anyway ( free nostalgic sorrow gift with purchase).

Thanksgiving will be here in the blink of an eye, but I don’t decorate for this holiday beyond letting the uncarved pumpkins hang around (-4 Martha Points). Dinner will be at my house for the first time since Himself and I started seeing each other (+10 Martha Points) but since there is a small crowd this year, I’m not going to roast a whole turkey (-5 Martha Points, with a 30% chance of familial thunderstorms).

So if I update the register here, I see that I’m at -7 Martha Points.


Maybe I should can something.

I have no idea how to do that, or even what to can.

I’ve got marshmallows in the pantry.

Do you can marshmallows?



Filed under Domestic Disgrace, Humor

28 Responses to Pitiful Points

  1. LoL Ironically? I’ve just been researching into canning. I think you would vacuum seal the marshmallows. Canning itself? Is not too complicated. At least, that’s what I’m reading.

    Perhaps you could add some festive potpourri around the pumpkins? Or Embroider a leaf onto the corner of the table cloth? Or bake muffins in the shape of a leaf?

    Not setting the house on fire during the cooking of dinner should count for something. And if you’re still functionally “sober” by the time family arrives? There should definitely be points for that.

    I think you have hope…

    Also? I’ve *never* cooked a Thanksgiving dinner. But I’m only 32 & my son is only 4, so I haven’t been a grown up all that long…there’s still hope for me…right…?

  2. Mom

    I thought Himself was roasting a turkey….or, when he said “I want to roast a turkey” did he really mean, “I want to convince Lori to roast a turkey”?

    • It is possible that he meant, “I want a turkey to be roasted in our house.”

      Which is open to interpretation, isn’t it?

      But we found a really good recipe for brined turkey that uses a breast and a few legs. It only takes two hours to cook and there’s no massive carcass.

      Of course, this presumes 6-8 of us for dinner.

      If the guest list expands, we may go for the Whole Birdie.

  3. KLZ

    No! you make s’mores and you pass some my way.

    For real though, ease up on yourself a bit. You’re doing a ton. That fundraiser alone has got to be worth more points than you’re allotting yourself.

  4. liz

    Ha! I love that you added a rider to your pumpkin house jealous issue! What about making a pumpkin pie? Both Martha-y and festive. That would have to count for something good, right?

  5. When my son starts doing math homework, I’m sending his little arse to your site for the word problems! I love all of this point biznassss. I think you shouldn’t take any points away from yourself, sister- no matter what!

    Always and forever,
    Your Twin

    • I knew my sister would rally to my side! (Despite that little fracas over the captain of the football team…)

      But, I have to keep myself honest. When I’m being a total lame-o about my house, I lose points.

      Although, I’d like the 50 point penalty for the bugs to NEVER REPEAT ITSELF EVER.

  6. I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit here.

    You’re hosting Thanksgiving dinner at your house? I think that’s got to be worth more than 10 points. (Even if all you served was canned marshmallows.)

  7. Super duper easy canning:

    Buy Apples.
    Force slaves AHEM I mean children to peel and core apples.
    Boil apple slices in water with Cinnamon (2-3 tablespoons in the water) while you sit on couch and watch episode of Martha.
    Drain Apples.
    Get stick mixer and smash apples — remember you like them chunky!
    Put in Mason Jar(s).
    Put Mason Jar(s) with lids on in boiling water for 30 minutes.

    You just canned applesauce. 🙂 And that is so worth like 40 gazillion Martha Points!

    Oh and Don’t let Himself bring you down by telling you applesauce is the one canned item we can get in the store without added crap. Tell Himself to go well I think you can finish it but it ends with himself. Oops am I projecting?

    • Does this recipe go well if you are drinking cocktails whilst you can?

      Cause I’m not sure I can get through this without alcohol.

      And it is POSSIBLE that you are projecting just a WEE bit.

      • Yeah well as long as you aren’t from the South and thus drink your cocktails in something other than a Mason jar, you should be a-okay.

        However for someone like me, that would get very confusing…. Is it applesauce or moonshine…hmmm.

  8. If you can marshmallows, I want pictorial proof. You are far too hard on yourself. I do take credit for my kids grades. Well, at least my Stepford Child. When Hank gets to school, forget it.

  9. I don’t can stuff. I freeze it. Canning involves hot glass and hot water and a hot stove and well, any one can see that has disaster written all over it.

    If you have yogurt you could make yogurt. Making yogurt is super easy but seems impressive. I have a blog post on it somewhere….

  10. My husband and I are frequently the only ones at the turkey table and we still make a whole turkey. How else can you eat left over turkey sandwiches? Yum!!

    If you really want to add to your points you could make your own cranberry relish. I can’t find my recipe for some reason, but it is super easy! You will impress your guests without a lot of work.

  11. You could make mini pumpkin pies for Thanksgiving for some extra points. My sister told me about them. You make them in muffin tins. Adorable *and* delicious.

  12. We had a garden this year with a bounty of jalapenos and banana peppers that my hubs ended up canning. My parents used to can our garden veggies and my dad warned us against trying it because it’s time consuming and hot. DH actually didn’t think it was that bad. Of course, he also likes to make beer, and that is time consuming and hot, so who knows? I leave those things up to him. Love the economic stimulus credit.

  13. Dear Ms. Lori,
    Mother Hen here, just to say, please spare her the grisly details! She feels faint — ah, here comes Missy Hen with the smelling salts!
    For MH’s take on turkeys, Thanksgiving, and all that stuffing, look here.
    Mother must go to revive herself now.
    Faintly yours,
    Mother Hen

  14. I don’t get brine. We’ve done it and we didn’t think it made the bird any better. Did I fail at brine? Would that be +5 for attempting and -17 for failing at something so simple?

  15. You could make your own fluff.

  16. If anyone could can marshmallows, it would be you.

    And what’s wrong with pumpkins as decorations for two holidays? That’s thrifty, and should earn you points.

  17. who the hell decorates for Thanksgiving? I mean, what – do you put up pictures of the native americans? Indians. Etc. And then what? Of the meal? Just take a picture of your dinner table, turkey and all – WHALA, Decor!

  18. Maybe you could pickle marshmallows. Mmmm.

    I say that, but I think working with marshmallows only counts with Martha if you first make the marshmallows themselves from scratch. Roasting a turkey is likely easier. (:

  19. Economic stimulus credit…that’s all kinds of awesome!!

    You are WAY too hard on yourself; I’d be giving myself all kinds of fake make-up points and excuses for slacking 😉

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