Pinot and Points

Caution: The MPA (Martha Points Association of America) has rated the following blog post:

So do a quick re-fi on the house and send the kids out to get popcorn.

This weekend I went on a limo wine-tour.

Despite having spent most of my life in the rolling northern California grape growing community, I’ve never gone wine-tasting in a limo.

A friend is celebrating. Only we’re not really supposed to be celebrating. It’s a secret. I can’t talk about it. We couldn’t even tell the limo driver. And I can’t talk about it. So QUIT ASKING!

I get car-sick. I almost murdered these friends for their seats.

Do you ever feel like you’re playing dress-up as an adult? Do you ever feel like you’ve slipped on mom’s shoes and grabbed one of her handbags and are walking around in a land of make-believe while almost falling over in the heels you’re not used to?

Yeah. I feel like that a lot.

Put me in a limo and drive me around gazillion dollar vineyards with friends who know the names and relative quality of all the wineries and know how much to tip a limo driver and I suddenly feel like I’ve stuffed my bra to try and buy liquor while underage. (Except, for heaven’s sake, I never had to stuff my bra and it’s not always as much fun as you think!)

If there's crab dip, I can drink champagne until the next solstice.


But despite this oft-repeated sensation of feeling a bit out of my depth in the limo-ing touring portion of the day, I couldn’t help but notice some trends.

We discussed the merits of a gluten-free diet on digestion and migraine prevention.

We discussed how to get the best percentages off at Macy’s and whether or not the rewards program on their new Am-Ex card is worth it.

I'm a sucker for pretty colors.

We discussed whether a chiropractor or physical therapist is better to help you with your back issues.

And we discussed how many pairs of glasses we need to carry  to deal with various reading and/or sun situations.

At some point, early in the day, my brain vaulted backwards and couldn’t help but compare these conversations with the sorts of conversations I used to have while on my third glass of wine.

And I announced: “You know, twenty years ago, we would have been standing around here discussing the best brand of condoms and now we’re problem solving  dietary complications.”

I am going to be lynched for saying this, but I actually LIKE white zinfandel. Please don't hate me.

In seconds I leap-frogged from girl trying to walk in mom’s shoes, to woman trying to fit in daughter’s jeans. (Except I couldn’t fit into Child C’s jeans unless you took a hack-saw to me.)

First, I’m now a snob. Take me to a cocktail party with Cheetos and bottled daiquiri mix and I will wait out food and drink till I get home. Unless the Superbowl is on TV, I’m going to feel cranky if the party came in a cellophane bag. And despite feeling like I didn’t know what the hell I was doing in a limo, I’ve become somewhat wedded to my creature comforts and I will complain if I’m spending the evening sitting on someone’s floor.

Yes there was lots and lots of laughing, and no, nothing came out of this woman's nose. Tragically.

When did my life change from a party to be had in a keg of beer and vending-machine condoms, to mutual funds and the best bid on a new garage door? These days I’m debating with myself over buying the mini-blender even though it’s 40% off, and twenty-five years ago I was counting the days until the Victoria’s Secret after Christmas sale so I could get some racy knickers, four pairs for the price of two.

Cause, you know, some things were just hard on the knickers and you needed a couple extra pairs.

The limo driver had connections, and our last tasting was down in the barrel room. The weird light came with the room. This is not a Photoshop effect. Plus, I don't have Photoshop.

My announcement might have struck a chord with the friends on the wine tour, because if the conversation became too pedestrian or too focused on the illness du jour, someone would announce, “CONDOMS! We’re discussing the best condoms!”

Which may have confused the limo driver.

I’m not willing to let 40-something mean that I can’t be wicked or racy.  I’m not going to let three kids in or near college make me forget the benefit of a quality condom.


Which can be bought in bulk at Costco.


Filed under Humor

56 Responses to Pinot and Points

  1. That looks like some good mischief, there!

  2. Amen Sister! I am 42 (or will be on Saturday), three kids (including one who will be driving soon EEEEKS!) and feel foxier than ever! The only one who can take away our wicked, racy selves is ourselves! There is no law that says you can’t be sophisticated and grown up and still let out with a raunchy comment or moment or two.

    • Happy early birthday!

      Yes, if we hold onto it ourselves, no one else can really take it away.

      It’s just SOOO easy to get distracted from our hot foxiness (or is that our foxy hotness) with all the STUFF that comes with a life full of house, career, cars, kids, pets and bills.

  3. I love wine tours, that looks like a Fab time! White Zin. Um. Can’t process.

  4. This totally cracked me up.

    You take great photos. I love the one of the colorful wine bottles!!

    And a wine tour with a limo driving? I’m so jealous.

  5. You’ve got me cracking me up in to my Cornflakes. Lifestyles? You struck me for a Rough Rider.

    • It’s always the people we know best that shock us, isn’t it?

      You’re eating cornflakes. I always picture two fingers of bourbon and a slim jim.

  6. KLZ

    Lifestyles for sure.

    I know because I’m not pregnant.

  7. We need to organize a blog wide boxing day racy knicker shop.
    Also my phone changed knicker to knocker. It knew this was a pg 13 post.

  8. Well, at least now I know what to talk about 10 years from now. I’m still in the “has young kids” phase & trying to figure out when the hell *I* became the responsible adult.


    Also? Based on how I am now? I’m going to be some kind of mean (yet still hot foxy/foxy hot) curmudgeon. I’m refining my “back in MY day…” stories already.

  9. Melinda

    Lol! Glad you stepped out to have fun… which btw you are never too old for. I relate to feeling like you are dressing up in mom’s clothes ha ha. I love the rainbow of colored labels and couldn’t help but wonder if the same effect could be done with sippy cups on a plant shelf..and would Martha approve of such decor.

  10. As a native Petaluman (now Bozemanite) I love the wine tasting limo parties! They are a hoot…

    Not even going to comment on the White Zin thing. Girl, some things are better left un-blogged.


  11. So very much fun, and worth a gazillion martha points b/c we’re older than dirt, but not dead yet.

    Glad you had fun!

  12. Lori,
    Your post made me laugh. Right from the title. I’m also in the “has young kids” stage and struggling with being more and more “adult” (ick!). When your kid comes running into your room in the night because of a storm you realize that they actually think you (little you!) can protect them. That’s crazy.
    Yet—I’d LOVE if I never went to another party with cocktail wieners and beer. Seriously, people!
    Wine tasting in a limo sounds perfect. Will put that on my bucket list (and maybe bring some new friends)!

    • I recommend the limo tour at least once.

      And candied ginger in case you get car sick.

      But, despite NOT wanting vienna sausages and bottled margaritas for a fancy do now, I’m probably not a limo person either.


      But if i won the lottery, maybe I’d get used to it?

  13. You know where NOT to buy condoms? Off of Amazon. They ship them to you and then they sit baking in your mailbox in hundred degree weather. No good. Trust me.

  14. Dear Ms. Lori,
    Mother Hen here, to say, crab dip or no crab dip, just keep the champagne coming!
    She is mourning the sad reality that limo drivers are reluctant to allow chickens in their vehicles. Maybe you could smuggle her in as a fanciful purse or festive headgear?
    Beseechingly yours,
    Mother Hen

    • I think i’ve only been in limos 2 or 23 times in my life, so I doubt I have ANY pull with the limo driver’s union.

      HOWEVER, on my next trip, I will don an oversize chapeau, perch your lovely feathered self upon it, and enter the vehicle.

      If anyone squawks (sorry) I’ll look at them haughtily and say, “They’re all OVER the runway in Milan.”

      Then I’ll sniff superciliously and commence ignoring the driver.

      We’ll be golden!

      • How delightful! Mother Hen looks forward to her debut as your headdress! She can’t help but look better than some of the monstrosites on the noggins of Britain’s royal family!

  15. Um, I totally thought you went on a LIME WHINE tour. And I like lemon way better.

    But it seems like you had fun anyway.

  16. Lifestyles were the brand of condom my college gave out for free, so they were known as the crappy brand, but I’m glad to hear they are not so disparaged everywhere! And I would be happy at any party with crab dip, anywhere.

    • Nope. I’ve tried them all.

      All styles, all flavors, all colors, the glow in the dark and the ribbed for her pleasure.


      And my ex-mother-in-law had the BEST crab dip recipe ever.

      Sadly, my ex-husband got her in the divorce.


      My new MIL is awesome.

      But she didn’t come with a crab dip recipe.

  17. liz

    You totally deserve to be driven around and have a day spent boozing it up. Let your hair down, Martha!

  18. Condoms in bulk from Costco?

    High fives on this ridiculous connection! Me too!

    In fact? I have a post planned about this very purchase. But Mark said I had to wait until he was home to talk about condoms.

    Hee hee!

    • Also available at our Costco is the flavored-colored-glow-in-the-dark mondo combo pack.

      I avoid these at all costs.

      If I want a light saber duel in my bedroom I’ll use other props.

  19. Am I the only person who despises condoms and won’t use them? Am I the only person who successfully did family planning method until, well, um, #3 surprised me? In my defense, I ovulated on day 21. WHO ovulates on day 21? My 39 year-old self did, that’s who.

    Anyvasectomy, I’m glad you had a fab time!

    • I’m cracking up here.

      See, I assume I could ovulate AT ANY TIME.

      STEALTH ovulating! That’s what’s happening here.


      I’ve found that taking that approach so far has kept me sans small children.


  20. That looks like it was hella fun, but you know, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over my love of floor-sitting and junk food parties. At least, I say that now.

    It may have something to do with my deep disdain for functions where I can’t wear jeans and take off my shoes at some point.

    By the bye, the local “bargain mart” here gets overstock from Costco and marks it down by, like, 80000%. I can get you a jumbo box of Trojans for $6 if you want.

    That’s right, baby. I’m your one-stop-cheap-condom source. It’s nice to have a “thing.”

    • Yes, but according to Yulia, there are shipping considerations.

      Like, if they get left in a mailbox, for instance if you order them from Amazon, they melt.

      At which point I’m not sure what they’re best used for.

      And you can wear jeans and take of your shoes at ANY party I have, no matter WHAT the menu.

  21. My best pal and I just had a very similar conversation…minus the wine…minus the condoms…minus the limo…oh heck, we just talked about ailments and that’s it. 🙁

  22. Okay besides that I absolutely love this post, I have never, NEVER had the “best condoms” talk. Never. Don’t women always talk about their favorite forms of birth control (usually not involving condoms) when they get together? I thought that was standard fare?

  23. Oh heavens, I’m still not 30 and these topics are trending in my conversations. I don’t think it has to do with age so much as “lifestyles.”

    BWAHAHAHAHA! I crack myself up sometimes.

    Okay, I’m leaving now that I have shamed myself mercilessly.

  24. Hilarious! Ahh…wine tasting…I want to go! Looks like you had a blast.

    Uh-huh lifestyles and Costco…gotta love a good deal 😉

  25. Oh, Martha. I’m not sure if we can still be friends…you really like white zin? Ugh!

    Glad you had so much fun!! And now I want to do a wine tour. I’m less than 45 minutes from Temecula’s wineries. It would be easy to do…why haven’t we done it before?

  26. Does the candied ginger really work? because I tried to go on a wine tour and when they drove near my house I sadly had to leap out…or it was not going to be pretty…ugh…but now maybe I have some hope!

    • YES! Totally does!

      I’ve only been in a limo twice before, and HUGELY uncomfortable both times.

      I carry it in the car on long trips so the kids don’t get too queasy in the back seat.

      Candied ginger or ginger chews from trader joes.

      I swear by the stuff, and I get car-sick at the drop of a hat.

  27. Oh, you were such a fancy-pants in the limo with fabulous friends! But backwards facing….yeah, (insert barf sound here). But it looks like so much fun, regardless of the conversations you were having.

    Nothing like wine tasting when someone else is doing the driving! That’s double points in MY Martha book.

    And I’m quite impressed that you would buy them in BULK. Busy gal!

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