Off With His Head

Off with his head!

Off with her head!

I am totally gender neutral on the issue of beheading.

It is entirely possible that the recent weeks of writing, posting, crafting, networking, foruming (that is SO a word, goddamnit!) (AND GODDAMNIT IS ALSO SO A WORD!!) (OFF WITH WORDPRESS’ HEAD!) and other worky-family-cat-shedding-stuff I am a wee bit edgy. And as a result of being a wee bit edgy it is a possibility that I am a bit more prone to snappishness than is typical.

Cause typically I am so not snappish and I can endure pretty much anything anyone throws at me while offering them pastel colored macaroons and tea in bone china cups.

(Shut UP you people who have known me for more than eight seconds! There could be NEW people here! I HAVE AN AXE YOU KNOW!)

But lately people have just been working so damned hard to work me up and I’m tired of it and I’ve got that big spinny rock thing going and I am sharpening up this battleaxe. And I DON’T mean my mother-in-law. (Hee! Hi R.!)

To whit:

1. People, who shall remain NAMELESS but who are PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN THIS HOUSE WHO CANNOT YET DRINK, thinking that dried toothpaste is a new non-porous finish on sink basins offered from Home Depot.

2. People who don’t understand that I don’t have a bloody chip in my head that transmits email information instantaneously. GIVE ME A FEW MINUTES, CRAZY CRAIGS LIST GUY!

3. People, who I swear to heaven have nothing between their ears but Cheeto crumbs, who think when I say, “Close the door so the cats don’t get out,” that I am really saying, “Whatever you do, make sure the door stays wide open so our cats can hit that target accurately at 55 miles an hour because it’s been AGES since I crawled through my neighbor’s hydrangea!”

And finally…

4. People who design women’s clothes who think that body proportions should modeled after Androgyny Pat and/or Jabba the Hutt and/or a fire hydrant.

I need all of you people to line up here so I can walk back and forth in front of you menacingly with this boomstick o’ slicing and dicing here in my hand.

I’m not kidding here.

I’m a woman functioning on little sleep, a jumbo mocha and a few recently banned preservatives.

I could swing for no reason.

Try me.

Mention baconnaise.

Ok, that’s totally a reason.


Filed under Humor

18 Responses to Off With His Head

  1. I will gladly offer one moody, mouthy teenage boy and overly touchy when I’m anything but (and who slurps his cereal at decibels totally unacceptable) up for the axe. It would save me the effort of sharpening my machete and the cleanup. LOL!

  2. or how about those people that think it’s cool to drop their crumbs all over the floor and not pick them up?? I don’t care if you’re 2 years old…. get a broom!!!!

  3. people do not quake in fear of me like they should … may I use that?
    It SO works.

  4. How about people that knock crap onto the floor and make a mess….then just leave it there! I’m not the f’ing maid! Let me get my machete right now….Off with his head!!!


  5. Lol! Craigslist does seem to be a mysteriously strong magnet for crazies!

  6. I know people. I have connections.

    I will be there in an hour and a half with duct tape, some feng shui books, more coffee, some Bailey’s, and earplugs.

    I’ve got your back, Lori.

  7. CDG

    Come to me, Lori, and I will give you snacks, take you to story hour, make you lunch, sing to you (I do showtunes!) and tuck you in for a nice nap.

    Because even sharpening your mother in law battleaxe, you’re still more charming than the monsters for whom I nanny.

  8. How about the potty-training 2yo that says she can go potty all by herself, then proceeds to pee over the bathroom rug.
    There must be something in the air 😉

  9. KLZ

    And I here all along I was sure you had a mace.

    Axes are easier to wield though.

    So, good to know.

    I’ll just be ducking behind the door here.

  10. Baconnaise sounds like a waste of perfectly good bacon.

  11. I spent Tuesday trying on pants. I’m with your on #4

  12. People who do not flush toilets deserve immediate beheading!
    P.S. For something completely different, here is a woman who definitely deserves a few Martha Points:
    Um, I hope the link actually works!

  13. I kind of like snappish Lori. I really do!

    But i hate the people that are making you snappish. I, too, have a beef about toothpaste blobs this week.

  14. I’m sure hoping your son reads this blog and gets the message, like SO soon.

  15. I played the Queen of Hearts in a school play. Type casting? Shut up.

  16. “Off with Shim’s head,” I always say.

  17. I live with 4 males.


    My head hasn’t stopped spinning yet. Just like Linda Blair.

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