No Thumb, Alter Ego

I’m typing minus a thumb.

The thumb is still here.

No zombies were involved, but I am pointing the finger (not a thumb) at a can of diced tomatoes that I think has made a deal with some dark force somewhere south of here. (And I don’t mean Salinas.)

So I’m typing without a thumb. Which means using the space bar is taking on a level of difficulty on par with knitting while wearing boxing gloves. Not that I go in for that sort of thing. Not that it’s wrong, immoral or illegal (unless you’re left handed in Rhode Island) it’s just that I think I’m a hazard to people if I have knitting needles in my hands under any circumstances, put boxing gloves on me and it’d be easier to just put my name on a cell in San Quentin and save the taxpayers some money.

But this post is not about my thumb, it is about my alter-ego.

(My alter-ego, by the way, is far more graceful than I and doesn’t HAVE a cut thumb.)

I interviewed my alter-ego as part of Kludgy Mom’s “Back to School, Back to Blogging” program. A workout for your blog à la Jane Fonda. (Without the leg-warmers, but with the tight abs.) The idea is from Sheri at Old Tweener.

Lori’s Interview with Her Alter-Ego

Lori: First, let me thank you for coming by, that was very kind of you.

Lori’s Alter Ego: Think nothing of it. I notice you don’t have any refreshments available.

Lori: Yes, sorry about that. The cats got into the paté. Anyway, I wanted to ask you…

Lori’s Alter Ego: Excuse me for iterrupting, but am I meant to sit anywhere?

Lori: Um, sure…anywhere you like.

Lori’s Alter Ego: Perhaps you could direct me as to which pile I should sit on. The laundry, the unpaid bills or this tangle of computer chargers.

Lori: Whichever one won’t give you a rash in the nethers. Now, what we’re all wondering…

Lori’s Alter Ego: Could I trouble you for a drink?

Lori: Oh, sure. Sorry. Let me see…there’s a half a glass of lemonade left in this pitcher, a half a glass of apple juice in this pitcher and a can of Fresca that was opened yesterday. I could throw those all together, add a little vodka, and call it a cocktail!

Lori’s Alter Ego: *ahem* Umm…thanks. Maybe just water.

Lori: You sure? I could add a mint sprig.

Lori’s Alter Ego: Actually, I’m fine. Really. Now, what was your question?

Lori: Question?

Lori’s Alter Ego: I believe you invited me here for an interview.

Lori: Oh, yes! Of Course! Silly me. Now, what we’re all wondering is if YOU COULD STOP THAT FOR JUST TEN MINUTES PLEASE!!!

Lori’s Alter Ego: Excuse me?

Lori: The drumming. It’d be better if drum practice waited until we were done.

Lori’s Alter Ego: Which isn’t yet?

Lori: One question.  So what we’re wondering is, if you were in charge of the blog, what would you write about? Would you stick with the whole Martha Points thing?

Lori’s Alter Ego:  Well I do like earning points…

Lori: There’s the losing points too.

Lori’s Alter Ego: *snort*

Lori: Pardon me?

Lori’s Alter Ego: You have a good sense of humor, really. I wouldn’t be losing points.

Lori: No?

Lori’s Alter Ego: No.

Lori: Huh. But that’s the funny part.

Lori’s Alter Ego: Not to me.


Lori’s Alter Ego: Were there going to be any more questions?

Lori: No, I think that about covers it.

Lori’s Alter Ego: So will you be turning the blog over to me?

Lori: No, no…not just yet. But thanks for offering.

Lori’s Alter Ego: I could do hand knit pot-holders.

Lori: Thanks, but I just don’t think that’s what my readers would go for.

Lori’s Alter Ego: ::shrugging:: Ok, suit yourself.


Filed under Humor

32 Responses to No Thumb, Alter Ego

  1. KLZ

    So, I know this isn’t the point but I’m reading East of Eden, which is set in the Salinas Valley and when you said Salinas I was like “It’s like she’s reading my mind!”

    Which, is sad, really.

    • I have anti-psychic powers, remember.

      So clearly that signal was meant for someone else and I only got it by accident.

      I wonder who got my random and meaningless signal?

  2. I’m relieved that your alter ego isn’t a regular writer here. The losing of the points is so much more entertaining…

    Also, I’m not allowed within ten feet of knitting needles. Apparently, my technique is scary to those around me. But boxing gloves? Boxing gloves are all kinds of awesome.

  3. Ah, drumming. How my heart sang when the girl decided three years ago that she wanted to be a drummer. And the husband decided that she needed a full drum kit.

    I know the drum line to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs Maps by heart. Awesome.

    • Yep. We have the full kit in the garage.

      And what else that also means is that band practice is always at our house.

      Cause band practice is always where the drum kit is.

      Yay me.


  4. I am SO liking you much better than your alter-ego, who would have scored more points with me if she had actually taken you up on that fabulous sounding new cocktail! And what’s wrong with setting your tush upon a nice, soft pile of laundry?!

    I am impressed that KLZ is reading East of Eden and KNOWS of Salinas…usually it’s only us Northern Cal peeps who have ever heard of it!

    • Yes, after meeting her in person, I liked me better too.

      Who knew? We always think our alter-egos will do everything so much better we do.

      And I threw Salinas out there thinking only my California friends would get the joke. How I underestimate people!

  5. I wish I could get my brain to work like that.


    This was awesome. Love IT!

  6. I think we need to read a guest post by said Alter Ego. She’s a bit uppity and stiff. I’d like to hear her take on all of us!

  7. OOh! I like Natalie’s idea. Maybe the alter ego can take over for a full week. We can submit probing questions we have about your psyche and stuff.

    Or maybe you could have a post between Himself and Alter Ego. Which one does he like better?

    • Well THAT’S a very alarming thought, letting my alter go answer questions about my psyche.

      And I’m not asking Himself that question!

      What if I don’t like his answer?

  8. I’m pretty sure I haven’t read East of Eden but Salinas sounds familiar. Maybe I’ve been there?
    Also I didn’t get any homework about an alter ego interview. Back of the class already.

  9. We only want hand knit pot holders if we get to see the video of your alter ego knitting them while wearing boxing gloves.

    The good part of this is that since she will be wearing boxing gloves you are totally in your rights to hit her self-satisfied nose if she smirks at you again for that whole loosing points thing. Only if you are a fast ducker. And of course there is the sticky part where your alter ego is a part of you, so it might be your nose on the line.

    • I believe the likelihood that I will poke out my own eye or the eye of the unfortunate cameraperson is too high to ever attempt such a feat.

      So we are all – thankfully – spared.

  10. Your alter ego sounds so familiar, I’m having trouble placing it….oh wait I know HI MOM!!! Mom, what are you doing here?

    • LOL!!!

      Thankfully, my mom mostly doesn’t sound like that.

      I think sometimes she THINKS like that, because she is a much more gracious hostess than I am, but she loves me too much to say those things out loud.

      Plus, I have her durable power of attorney. So there are some risks I don’t she wants to take.

  11. liz

    i like this thought, though my MIL reads my blog and would run away with it.

    my mom cut her thumb on a canned ham once. required stitches and everything.

    • No stiches, thankfully…just major ouchies.

      Plus, ugh, I work in a hospital. Bandaids are useless, so I just washed my hands a zillion and ten times.


  12. I think your alter ego is my mother in law. I need to make sure to caution her about rashes to her nethers next time.

  13. That broad is crazy. Anything with a mint sprig is delish. And anytime one interviews oneself, I’m a fan. I really should partake in Gigi’s “Back to School, Back to Blogging.” My blog has a total gut.

  14. Perhaps your alter ego could fill one of the 11 spots left on the Pursey Galore tour, though she might not find the bag tacky.

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