Merry Christmas, or How I Can’t Count to 10

So the stockings were hung draped on the couch, and the children were nestled all snug in their beds arguing over the bathroomΒ and basically all was good.

In addition to amazing food, random silliness, and the hardest crossword puzzle in the history of words written by Child A, there were a few highlights of the present variety.

A conspiracy that was aided and abetted by Nichole from In These Small Moments, resulted in Himself getting this:

Yes, that’s a mandolin. And yes, he asked for it. I can’t imagine I would have stumbled across the idea of a mandolin as a gift without a LITTLE bit of help.

A gift from my mother was wrapped in this box:
She lifted my graphic!

Inside the box was an umbrella made to look like a ninja sword.

Which I think will work nicely for…ummm…some things. That I need to do. At night. In the dark.

It’s better if you don’t ask questions.

Our daughter has for the last three Christmases made me a pair of earrings. She added to the streak this year. And, I must say, she’s getting rather good.
She made those. And they are stunning.

What did Himself put under the tree for me?

Oh, just a new lens for my camera. Which took all those shots, as well as this one:
(That’s a pair of socks.)

And it took this one:

And, this one:

Is it wrong to sleep with a camera lens under your pillow? Because I’m seriously considering it.

And about how I can’t count…

Christmas brunch was at our house this morning, the first time in many years that my mom has not hosted both the Christmas Eve and Christmas morning gatherings.

I decided to make eggs benedict, as I have an egg-poaching shortcut.

However, when standing in the supermarket last weekend counting guests and serving in my head, I did the following math:

Five of us, mom and G, my brother and his wife, and Child A’s dad that’s 10. So that’s twenty eggs, twenty slices of Canadian bacon, and twenty English muffins.

Twenty English muffins? Doesn’t ONE English muffin constitute a serving of eggs benedict?

Why yes, yes it does. But my head didn’t do the correct calculation until this morning when I pulled out four packages of English muffins and started splitting them to toast.

I looked at the mountain of muffins, starting re-doing the math in my head and then announced to my family that I am an idiot who can’t count.

I was not corrected by ANYONE.

So since apparently I cannot count to TEN, I believe I should forever more be exempted from paying bills, calculating insurance co-pays or refilling my car with gas.

Santa can arrange that for me, can’t he?

I knew he could!

Hope your holiday was just as lovely! Merry Christmas!


Filed under Humor

37 Responses to Merry Christmas, or How I Can’t Count to 10

  1. Himself

    I just want to point out that the camera lens was not the only gift that Lori received from me. Because while I knew she would be thrilled with the new lens, I don’t really think optics are the most romantic gift (even though I get kind of excited by the thought of precision lenses – it’s not what you think). ANYway, there was a decidedly more romantic gift under the tree for my lovely wife, and I also made sure the cats came through with a little something to round things out.

  2. Oh my! Pretty pictures. Yes that lens requires TLC.

    So? What about the more romantic gift?

    Merry Christmas to you and Himself and family!

    • Thank you lovely one, hope your family’s was lovely as well! The romantic gift was a lovely beaded necklace and earrings. I’m all about the cool funky beadwork. And he did really, really good. Such a lovely holiday!

  3. LOVE the pictures! It sounds like you had a sparkly holiday, indeed!

  4. yay!!! I got a new lens for Christmas from my mom!!! Hooray for optical Christmases!

  5. Love the pictures! Must be a fancy new lens!

    And those earrings are gorgeous! You daughter has talent for sure.

    Just one problem….What the eff is Canadian Bacon?

    In Canada, we call what you refer to as “Canadian Bacon” ham. And bacon? It’s, well, bacon.

    This is why Americans think we’re crazy. Ya’ll make up stuff about us that is crazy.

    So who’s the crazy one? Hm?

    Happy Holidays!

    • Hehehe… Here, “Canadian Bacon” refers to a round slice of…well…yes, I’m sure it’s ham. As opposed to the long, streaky kind of bacon. Because ham is a lunchmeat or a raost. Reminds me of when I lived in the UK. There were no such things as “English Muffins.” There were muffins. And the sweet, cupcake-shaped things with blueberries? They were “American Muffins.”

  6. Elisabeth

    Beautiful pictures! And a mandolin? That’s cool!

    Your earrings are beautiful.

    And if you really want to leave gas pumping behind let me invite to come live in the great state of New Jersey. Among other wonderful features this state offers it is AGAINST the law for consumers to pump their own gas. Okay I lie, no not about the the gas pumping part, that’s true, but there really is nothing else good about New Jersey, sorry it’s really all I’ve got. πŸ˜‰

    • Oregon is like that too! We go up there once a year or so to visit Himself’s family and it always drives me a little bats to wait. And do you have to tip the pump guys every time you get gas? I feel like now I need to tip everyone. My hairstylist, the gardener…soon I’m sure we’ll be tipping the grocery clerk. Arghh!

      • As a gimp, I get my gas pumped if there’s more than one employee at the place, and I request it, but I only request it if I really need it. I adore states that make the employees do it.

      • Needing it is different.

        When I was very pregnant I let grocery people help me with bags.

        But now it feels silly. I’d rather they help someone else who needs it.

        Feel that way about pumping gas too.

  7. Um, I’d be happy with just a lens. I wouldn’t need anything else. If I had a DSLR, that is.

    So. The ninja umbrella.

    What sort of charitable effort is that item going to spark this year?

  8. My friends’ gave me kitty treats, chocolate and a CD. They also gave me a Christmas that made me believe that people do have holidays where they don’t WISH they would get the flu, so they could just stay in their rooms all day. Sometimes friends are the best present EVER.

    What wonderful presents! I know you’ll sleep well with your camera lens under your pillow and those lovely earrings dangling from your ears.

    You can always freeze the English Muffins, wait for them to get freezer burned beyond recognition, then toss them without feeling any guilt at all. After all, who the hell can be expected to do all that math in her head in the midst of a grocery store? Impossible!

    • The zillion extra muffins are alredy in the freezer. Cause…well, I couldn’t have fit them in the fridge if I’d tried. And hooray for wonderful friends who make lovely holidays! I am very glad there are such good people in your life. You deserve a holiday where you don’t want to hide under blankets. Much love!

  9. Oooh, I hate putting gas in the car! (Not sure how that relates to counting, but I’ll gladly throw it out along with doing the bills and calculating co-pays.) πŸ˜€ DH used to keep a little spiral notepad in my car, documenting every tank of gas and the mileage, price, etc. I have a picture of it, in all of it’s 30-sheet OCD glory here. It was the first thing to go when he got his own friggin’ car to obsess over!

    Oh, and Merry Christmas! I love the mini wreaths hanging in your windows. πŸ™‚

    (Am I still an invisible commenter?)

    • Well, once the tank starts getting low I have to compare the trip mileage to the “absolutely-buy-gas-NOW” number and then there’s math. πŸ˜‰ And you are NOT invisible! Yay!!!

  10. These pictures are so beautiful. You are right. The earrings are stunning. How sweet! And I love that you are married to a man who play the mandolin. Merry Christmas!

  11. beautiful photos! Merry Christmas!!

  12. I adore the earrings.
    The socks are too cute.
    Love Eggs Benedict.

    But I NEED to know more about this lens!
    I’m green with envy.
    Those photos are absolutely stunning, Lori.
    You are the official Napa in Jan photographer. πŸ˜‰

    And I was THRILLED to help out with the mandolin. I will always giggle about your covert garage phone call so we could discuss it. Hee hee.

    • The lens is a 35 mm 1.8.

      And so far I haven’t actually slept with it under my pillow…but it’s not been more than 10 feet from me since I got it. πŸ˜‰

      And I asked Himself if he had any awareness of the planning…nope.

      Or so he claims.

  13. Klz

    As much as I’m jealous of that camera, and I am, I think your mOm lifting that graphic is the best gift yet

  14. So let me get this straight… your mom stole your graphic ABOUT a ninja for a present FOR a ninja… and she did it in a stealthy manner LIKE a ninja… if it looks like a duck, ya know…

  15. Your mom totally ROCKS! I LOVE that she got you the umbrella. Too funny.

  16. Merry belated Christmas, ladybug! I have to, have to, have to know: What was the lens?

    Your photography skills are through the roof. The bokeh in these will haunt my dreams. In a good way. Not in a creepy ninja-stalkery way.

    • And to you as well, beautiful! So glad you’re home safe-and-sound!!

      And I promise to only ever haunt you in pretty colored things with tempting treats.

      No ninja haunting. Ever.

  17. holy hello pictures! gorgeous gorgeous.

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