Locate foot. Pull trigger.

Things are not looking so rosy here in Lori’s queendom.

The ongoing lack of official recognition of the queendom by the UN continues to drive morale down, and the post office won’t even consider putting me on a stamp until I can show them something notarized.

I think people who have some passing familiarity with the queendom know that things haven’t been peachy here for a little while.

Nope. Not peachy ‘tall.

Moldy peachy, maybe. Moldy bug-infested peachy, maybe.

You’re welcome.

So the lack of peach-dom in the queen-dom is putting the holiday in jeopardy-dom.

So I’ve been thinking of some short-cuts that might salvage our ability to actually get this celebration on the table. And as a service to other desperately psychotic stressed-out hostesses who may or may not have been fighting 103 degree fevers and having delusions that they were being stalked by their own cats and who couldn’t bother to shower for several days because standing up as long as it would take to wash their own hair would surely have induced a hypotensive episode causing them to pass out in the shower thereby knocking out at least three teeth, I thought I’d share them.

1. Stop by your local purveyor of fine tools and home repair products.Purchase one can each medium brown and dark yellow aerosol pigment product. Spray paint one whole turkey, using the yellow as a base with the brown for the lovely darker roasted skin tones. Garnish.

2. Kelloggs has been thoughtful enough to launch “Pumkin-Pie Pop Tarts” this year. Buy two twelve packs and a set of decorative holiday cookie cutters. Cut pop-tarts into festive Thanksgiving shapes for dessert.

3. Take the muss and fuss out of mashed potatoes by putting them on the boil on Tuesday. Left sitting in scalding water long enough, they’ll disintegrate into paste, basically mashing themselves. What could be easier? Can alternatively be used as glue.

4. Stand outdoors several feet from the house with front door open. Aim leaf blower towards entry. Turn On. Voila! Colorful, rustic garlands. And placemats. And doormats. And wall art. And table embellishment. And hairpieces.

5. For quick, hassle-free clean-up, have your insurance policy and an alternate identity handy. Alternatively, hire someone you met behind your local adult book store. Remember, all those beautiful autumn decorations have had plenty of time to dry, and are now….you guessed it!…kindling! Have an overfilled cocktail and a candle sparker handy (for you in your  nom-de-arson or for your new “friend”) and go to town!  You’ll be amazed at how little cleaning anyone expects you to do after a major house fire.

So there it is, fellow Martha Point enthusiasts. Using these holiday-friendly tips, you’ll soon find yourself in the same position as me.

Sitting squarely in negative numbers and writing to you from a mid-security correctional facility.


Disclaimer: Since apparently aggregate instructional websites are delusional enough to think the things I write here should be included lists of “resources,” I now feel compelled to state unequivocally: FOR GOD’S SAKE, DO NOT DO ANY OF THESE THINGS! They are bad for you, bad for your home, bad for your credit report, bad for maintaining your right to vote as a non-felon. This is, as we say in the industry, “HUMOR AND SATIRE.” Don’t do them! Except maybe the pop-tart one. If you MUST do any of them, do that one.


Filed under Humor

59 Responses to Locate foot. Pull trigger.

  1. The disclaimer? Totally takes the fun out of painting the turkey and gluing it together with potato paste.

    • Two weeks ago I wouldn’t have written it because I would have assumed everyone knew I was joking.

      But when flinging my cats and god knows what else ends up on these aggregate websites, I get nervous.

  2. I think my life was better before I knew of the existence of Pumpkin Pie Pop Tarts.

  3. I love your disclaimer.

    Are you finally free of the plague?

    • I believe I am 60% plague free, but still very dependent on medication to suppress the remaining plague symptoms.

      I think this has officially become my worse illness ever.

  4. Ok, poptart tip? That’s a real tip. I could see someone doing that for real and everyone loving it, especially kids. Now I’m not saying I would do it but someone would. I say just go to a restaurant for Thanksgiving dinner.

  5. KLZ

    I don’t think you were hallucinating that your cats were stalking you. Seems like something they’d totally do.

    • It does, doesn’t it?

      But mostly I think they just LOVED this outrageous, fairly immobile heat source.

      And a little toasty furball that perpetually grooms himself is EXACTLY what you want next to you when you have a fever and blinking causes pain.

  6. Courage! I am thrilled Thankgiving is over and done with. Cause guess what I’ve got? The plague. No hallucinating yet but Im hopeful.

  7. liz

    I’m guessing you have actually (inadvertently) done #3?? Am I right?

  8. yeah, the pop tarts one might just come in handy if the store bakery is out of pumpkin pies

    • It’s job to think of these handly little crisis-averting tips for everyone.

      And don’t I do an excellent job?

      Of course I do.

      Please send chocolate.

  9. HAHAHA!!!
    I love your disclaimer. And, I think it’s hilarious that in this day and age we have to remind people that it’s FUNNY and SATIRE.

    • When the post about catapulting my cat onto my neighbor’s roof to destroy her Halloween decorations got included in a list of resources for “How to keep cats out of your garden,” I actually got a little freaked.

      Of course, the list also included a post on the German Chancellor and how she wants to bully her neighbors, so clearly the algorithm’s off…

      But I couldn’t see anyone reporting THAT blogger to the ASPCA.

  10. Dayquil is working for your writing, though! I say the best shortcut for the holidays is to ask those to be mindful and thankful for the food you serve every other freaking day and that a 24 hour fast on …I don’t know, Thursday, would really demonstrate their gratitude.

    • I kept looking for the over-the-counter tylenol with morphine, but the selfish people at the pharmacy wouldn’t sell it to me.

      And we’ve pretty well cancelled the holiday this year. But we won’t make anyone starve.

      We’ve got cheese-whiz and raisin bran.

      Dairy and fiber. There. Now everyone’s happy.

  11. Have no fear, picking the right restaurant to dump your Thanksgiving cooking responsibilities onto is still a points worthy task!
    For example, does the restaurant have linen tablecloths? centerpieces? a rat infested wine cellar? and so on…you can still earn points!

  12. The part I keep going back to? Pumpkin Pie Pop Tarts. I’m not normally a huge fan of Pop Tarts. I survived on them for a little too long back in the day. But I think I’ve become a little bit of a pumpkin whore. I’m seriously considering driving 15 miles (30 round trip) to the nearest DQ to get a pumpkin pie blizzard. And it’s not even appropriate ice cream weather.

    ps. I’m glad you’re plague is backing off a little. I will continue to stay away from the rodent droppings for a few more days…until you’re at least down to about 70/30.

  13. And the problem with catapulting your cat is….? And I’m slightly offended that you thought to label “pop tart dessert” as satire.

  14. Maybe you can score an invite to dinner from the guy you meet behind the book store. Perverts have families too. Ask my husband.

  15. You’ve got the pumpkin pie Poptarts. I don’t know what more you need?

  16. We just bought a leaf-blower and I don’t give a rat’s ass about your disclaimer – we’re gonna do it! Watch out! Incoming pine cones and acorns!

    But seriously, sounds like you just need to take it easy this week. Let the hubs lovingly make you some pop tarts. Some stove top stuffing. Order a pizza. The pilgrims totally had a 12″ turkey and sweet potato ‘za – I don’t know why that didn’t make the history books.

  17. You aren’t doing ANY cooking this week, are you? 103? Really? Dude.

  18. Don’t you have to be dead to get on a stamp? It’s probably better this way.

    • What?? You do??

      Well THAT’S not going to work. Despite the plague, I have no plans to be dead soon.

      Who should I start lobbying about a change in the rules? Congress?

      This could take a while.

      Good thing we’ve got the pop-tarts.

  19. I’m going to try 3 just because I’m so lazy.

    But that disclaimer?!! Love it!! Makes the post that much funnier!

  20. Love the disclaimer. You should get that notarized!

    I also like your decoration idea – but we have a paucity of leaves in our yard. Would weeds work?

    • Weeds? Hmmm….

      The important thing is that they be free from anchoring to spread their merry chaotic decorating joy around the world.

      So you might want to wack ‘em first, then blow.

      Which sounds naughty, but totally isn’t.

  21. Damn. I just cleaned up all my leaves. The rest sounds doable, though. I mean NOT doable, no, I didn’t take you seriously for a minute….ha ha ha….you’re hilarious….ha ha


  22. Kim F

    I was giggling over this post yesterday. THEN, I found out that Thanksgiving was moved to my house instead of the in-laws. Huh. Not so funny now. Pumpkin poptarts? I did see those the other day in Wally World. I have cookie cutters . . . 🙂 But the cleaning. Ay – yi – yi. The cleaning.

    • ACK!!

      Red alert! Red alert!!

      That’s a really unfair thing to do. You need like a MONTH’S notice to host a major holiday meal!

      Are you being compensated for all this? I think jewelry is appropriate here.

  23. Kim F

    Ah, yes. Jewelry would be nice. I happen to have a wonderful catalog that my daughter is trying to sell pieces from as a fund raiser for chorus. I may have to hit my mil up for something. Oh, and hubby too!

  24. I definitely want to come to your house for Thanksgiving. I bet even the lady with the pumpkins would want to come and see your Thanksgiving decorations. I might pass on the Turkey and glue past but the Pop tarts sound divine.
    Hope all is well.
    Just look on the bright side.
    You didn’t pass out at work today : )
    I’m your own personal Pollyanna.


    • That’s what I need. I need you to keep my occasionally snarky and bitter side better on track.

      And yeah, the pop-tart thing was totally a joke, but it actually sounds sorta good.

  25. Pumpkin pie PopTart cookies: Ingenious.

    Burning down the house instead of cleaning it: Ingenious.

    Spray painting the turkey: Might be a way to get rid of illness. You know, being dead instead. So: ingenious. Sorta.

    Happy Thanksgiving, lady!

  26. I don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, does that count?

    And I feel you about the stamps. I tried to get Gerald on one but then this jerk at the post office kept going on about “not being worthy” and “not being human” and “that gun is really inappropriate.”

    Those postal workers, they’re just crazy.

  27. Guaranteed those pop tart cut-outs taste better than anything I have ever tried to bake. I’m sorry you’re sick, but it’s nice to feel like there is finally someone out there who is on the same hostessing level as myself.

  28. I, for one, am thankful that you put the disclaimer on this post. Otherwise, who knows what havoc you may be wreaking on the general public.
    But I DO love the leafblower idea, and think I may ask the neighbor’s gardener if he can blow some over my way tomorrow.
    You have the best ideas, but I am starting to worry about you and your feverish ways. Please get well, and let the turkey day pass without the usual fuss.

  29. I hope you forgive my tardiness in getting to your blog. Had you tempted me with pumpkin pop tarts, however, I might have put NaNo aside.

    Have you ever had the pumpkin cake donuts from Krispy Kreme? To die for. You could probably squirt Redi-whip into the centers and serve it as dessert. Or use it for the centerpiece, at least..

    • I did not know of the pumpkin donuts.

      And the only Krispy Kreme we ever had here got closed down.

      Apparently wine snobs don’t go for the chain donuts.


  30. And this is why you’re Queen! You’re stressed, you’re sick, but you still bring the funny! Here’s my suggestion – serve enough booze and no will notice anything else! There’s always Hungryman…

  31. Pumpkin Pie Poptarts?!?!?! I’m running out NOW to get some – forget baking… The youngest can push down the toaster button, right?

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