It’s Audition Time!

Please don’t hate me for my tiara.

When you have a custom job like this one, you really do get a level of quality that just isn’t available from your average fine jeweler.

But I am nothing if not generous.

And benevolent.

And also curvalicious.

So when I published my tiara schematics, there was much coveting. And jockeying.

I’m not afraid to use the word. There was actual jockeying.

It did my heart good, frankly.

So it became clear that Queen Lori needed a court.

Not just any court.

Not some fawning, yes-your-highness, brown-nosing monstrosities in velvet.


I need attitude.

I need humor.

I need some serious showmanship.

There will be no boring barons, no dusty dukes.

I want flash and bling. I want snap, crackle and… Yes, I’ll say it…I want pop.

So bring it, babes!

Here are The Official IPoMP Courtly Audition Rules.

Leave a comment telling me:

1. Your amazing mysterious hidden talent, and

2. A tantalizing piece of juicy court gossip. And for heavens sake don’t let reality get in your way! (Read the tags for guidelines.)

If you want to add other enticements, you go right ahead.

I want to hear it all!

What’s a court without scandal?

I will select THREE (3) courtiers.

Winners will be selected by Distinguished Committee (also known as Himself, Nimbus and Topaz) and announced Friday morning…complete with portraits by YOURS TRULY.


In your honor, there will be custom IPoMP Portraits rendered in Paint of you in your Courtly Regalia.

Because what’s the point in entering a contest if there’s no prize?

So have at it people. Who wants to boogie down with Her Royal Highness?

Also, I would also like to extend loving thank you’s to three amazingly sweet, lovely and generous bloggers who in the past week awarded me the Stylish Blogging Award. The vivacious and beautiful Katie from Sluiter Nation, the ever gracious and eloquent Nicole from 40DaysOf, and the oh so charming and funny Jennifer from Midwest Momments. Ladies, you made my week and I love you dearly. And no, you do not get any advantage in the audition.


Filed under Humor

73 Responses to It’s Audition Time!

  1. Klz

    My obvious talent is finding the snark in anything. My secret talent? Mixer of spill proof, stain proof, hangover free cocktails. Shhhh don’t tell. Well get buzzed with no proof. Drink at work? Don’t mind if you do.

    And from what I hear poppy and surferwife have been busy planning a tiara stealing coup. The heist is elaborate – don’t let those ladies into court. Plus? They’ll steal your drinks. Hussies!

  2. Oh my gosh. Well, my absolutely stunning talent is that I can chirp like a cricket. Yes, it’s true. There’s even video proof on my blog. (

    As for some juicy gossip…hmm. I heard, through the twitter-vine, that certain bloggers double-dip. However, I’m not quite sure if the “dipping” is in reference to food or wine. 😉

  3. Very cute idea! I’m just going to offer to be the court jester. I hate voting contests because so far I haven’t won any 🙂

  4. Kaira

    Hidden talent: All of my shirts and dresses are magnetized to attract tomato-based sauces. I’m PomodoroMagneto!

    Juicy gossip: Mini pumpkin lady? Eleven toes. Eleven.

  5. I would LOVE to boogie down as one of your royal courtiers.
    My hidden talent is belching the alphabet. I’m a huge hit with the 7-10 year old set.
    I’m waiting for any of my Twitter friends’ husbands to kick the bucket so I can steal them up as my sisterwife. So far no one is even sick.
    I make an awesome cosmo.
    Plus, I have a knack for catching vomit in a small Disney’s Cars plastic wastebasket. So far, it’s only been kid vomit, but I can see it working for us if we’ve had too many cosmos.

  6. Talent: Because I have a back injury and can’t bend, I have become pretty facken amazing at picking things up with my toes. You dropped your tiara? I’ll get it for you and I’d even sanitize the tiara in case you’re afraid of a foot fungus…which I do nor have. Also I take care of a busy toddler all while dealing with my back injury and chronic pain. In other words I’m an ass kicker and hard worker and i will be a benefit to the court.

    As for juicy gossip: my in laws don’t know that I blog…so I can talk about them as much as I want 😉 Oh and I’m also suing my employer for my back injury. Now that’s a train wreck of a story for you. No worries though my queen, I’d never turn on you 😉

    Thank you for your consideration 😉

  7. Secret talent? Hmmmm. But then it’s not a secret anymore! But okay, I want to be courtly and what-not with you. So….hmmmm. I know the words to most every song between 1966 – 1990. Petula Clark’s “My Love” (1966)? Yep. Alphaville’s “Big in Japan” (1984)? Of course. Gilbert O’Sullivan’s “Clair” (1972)? Love it. Is this sort of useless information a secret talent?

    Or this: I can make all four of my children run from a room when I begin to dance to Usher’s “More.”

    (My talents seem to be musical.)

    Gossip: I heard that Martha Stewart does *nothing* by herself; she has a housekeeper and gardener. The biggest task she completes is writing a check to her domestic staff. (Gasp.)

    I have a big head: will I get my own tiara? It might have to be special-ordered.

  8. peeshaw…

    I’ve got my own tiara, but..

    carry on benevolently with the peasants…nice to do every once in awhile.

    hey, what’s that? Looks like a huge Pampered Chef onion slicer…whaaa??? a guillotine??

    I’l change, peeps, I’ll change… truffles, truffles for the masses!! In Baby E mugs!!

  9. I’m all about my toes. They are strangely double jointed and move sideways. Also, I can pop/crack every joint in my body (including my strange toes) just think of all the money I have saved by my chiropractic-self-care. (you said you wanted “pop”!)

    As far as gossip is concerned, my specialty is quietly whispering all the juiciest bits directly to the queen. I will say that I’m thinking KLZ is placing the tiara-stealing attention on Poppy and Surferwife to lull you into thinking she is safe. Watch your back. Also…I heard she has pumpkins on her house at Halloweeen-time, you might want to check and see if she lives near you. Wink-wink.

    • KLZ

      Eh tu, Tracie? Or however you Shakespeare that up…

      My Christmas decor was so white trash as to make me no competition for Ms. Points here. Instead, I will bring a fresh perspective to court.

      • You know I’m just trying to take out the competition front runner. That is how it works in court…all backstabby and such. At least, that is what I’ve heard.

  10. Hmm…my secret talent? It will serve you well! I? Have the ability to totally blend in with any woodwork. Everyone will be giving you your rightfully deserved attention, undistracted by my presence. They won’t even know I’m there!

    …which is also handy if you need a witness that no one realized was there. Just saying.

    Also? I know how to make special coffee beverages. Just imagine…fancy cappuccinos and lattes seemingly appearing from nowhere!

    …and I heard a certain special commenter thinks Nimbus is looking a little fat lately…

    Not nice. Not nice at all.

  11. Delightful!

    Okay, my hidden talent is remembering the tiniest of details about others. Have an appointment in 6 1/2 months and tell me about it? I’ll remember and ask you how it went. No, I can’t remember my own stuff, but your’s in in there for eternity.

    And my juicy tidbit of gossip? I happen to know firsthand that a certain blogger wore another blogger’s coat with no shirt or bra underneath. Yep, nipples to lining. I know! Scandalous!

  12. I have many talents, but some will be particularly useful as a member of your court. First of all, I have an amazing ability to notice patterns where no one else sees them. I can take an off-color joke, a wall street journal article, a bad dream, and a snippet of Hollywood gossip, and twist them into a glorious, ridiculous story that will keep you entertained for hours. Secondly, I have the gift of invisibility. Seriously. Nobody notices me ever. I can totally sneak into peoples’ yards, for instance, even in the middle of the day, and make off with their award-winning, unbearably cute, holiday decorating crap. They will all be like, “huh??? did you see anything? I didn’t see anything? That vintage 3-d lighted snowman petting Rudolph was RIGHT there just a minute ago. NOTE: I get a little less invisible when consuming mulled wine and honey mead. Just being honest. and, finally, I have no fashion sense at all, so you could literally get me to wear any thing you wanted, like diamond-patterned hose, for instance, and silk shoes with really, REALLY, pointed toes, and I wouldn’t even blink. I’d be all like, oh, are these UGGS? I read about these somewhere”.

    Okay, as for recent gossip, I heard, Milady, that the Empress went to visit Amy Chua to give her some parenting advice, and brought along her pet Siberian Tiger. And no one has heard from Amy since.

    But, to be fair, there is another parallel rumor circulating that Amy has merely briefly relocated to LA to interview Lindsay Lohan’s father on his awesome parenting methods for her next book, The Weasel Dad.

  13. Kim F

    This is too funny! I have no hidden talents. Except for embarassing teenagers. A lot. Overt affection does that. Plus, it’s fun! Oh and I bake like nobody’s business and was a barista in a past life. Like a decade ago. But I make darn good coffee.

    Gossip? Hmmm. I am sadly remiss in the gossip department. So I guess I won’t win. Oh, well. Maybe I’ll be saved by the talent portion of the pagent!

  14. Well, my secret talent is to blend in & be forgotten. So people are always talking around me oblivious to my very existence. I’m so unnoticeable people have been known to cut in front of me in check out lines & then say “Oh I didn’t even see you there!” when I ram them in the ankles with my cart in retaliation. The benefit of this to you is I hear everything. No gossip gets by me, no coup attempt will be undiscovered. You want to know something, I’ll find it out for you. I am a single handed spy service.

    As for gossip, well, obviously I have LOADS of it, much of involving others currently listening in so I hesitate to speak out loud as it were. Let’s just say for now SOME people are not as loyal as they pretend. At least two of them are plotting to cozen their way into your favor so they can discover something blackmailable about you and then drain your royal coffers to keep your secret. Plus someone else, whose name may or may not begin with a K is plotting to replace the jewels in your tiara with PASTE stones. I’m also certain a couple others are carrying on a torrid affair together. I have photos!

  15. My secret talent is that I can pretend to be Gwyneth Paltrow and write this amazingly obnoxious blog post about how to balance the busy nature of parenting with a fabulous career. And also look like Gwyneth Paltrow.
    I know.
    You thought Gwyneth Paltrow was just a complete ass. But no. I was the one. Me.
    I’m that good.
    As for gossip, my husband bought my dogs the most disturbing toy for Christmas – it is long and thick and rubber and has a ring on one end and a bulbous protrusion on the other. It’s called “The Beast” and I seriously can’t breathe when I see one of my kids pick it up to play with the dogs.
    Ho, ho, ho? I think not.
    Disturbing. For sure.

  16. SECRET Talent? Yikes. My not so secret talent: making a scene! Very good for those times your highness may need to sneak behind the royal drapes with certain someone, hm?
    I’ve been known to call attention to those little details that every woman would rather not have mentioned, to the delight of all of those in attendance, and I do it with the grace and decorum of 300 pound gorilla.

    I do look fabulous in pointed shoes, can shake my boom boom to the oldest or newest beats without knocking anyone over AND I happen to know your highness’ taste in wine. Ahem.

    Let me clarify something for you, I know that more than ONE of your courtly wannabees has eleven toes AND I know just which one can still wear the required footwear of your esteemed court.

  17. liz

    Here’s me putting my best foot forward…
    1. You already know I can dance.
    2. You already know I can rock a little black dress WHILE WEARING a tool belt.
    3. Imagine the possibilities of me dancing in a LBD and tool belt!!
    4. I have 2 miniature ladies-in-waiting which could make for perfect sidekicks if needed. Think of me as a package deal.
    5. I’m envious of your boobs.
    5. If you chose me, I’d never, ever harass about my lack of muggage again. Not ever.

  18. 1. Your amazing mysterious hidden talent:

    Oh Lori, I can make the PERFECT bling throne for you to complement your tiara!! Light bulb chair. It even turns on. Check it out:

    2. A tantalizing piece of juicy court gossip. And for heavens sake don’t let reality get in your way!

    Gah! Hmmm. I hear that Nimbus is forming a union with the other neighborhood kitties and is going to go on strike if you don’t up his wages for rival house pumpkin removal. He also would like a better dental plan, as well as a 401 k. Oh, and he’d like to earn 10% at 9. One more thing – he would like to be pardoned for the “clawmarks in the leather furniture, the wooden furniture, the hardwood floor and the finish of [your] car.”

  19. I have a Ph.D. in Folding Sciences.

    The hell, you ask? Well, if you were, perchance, to look in my linen closet, you would not be able to tell the difference between a fitted and a flat sheet. I fold them such that they are perfectly matched in their folded state. The towels, in their tidy rows, are square and evenly spaced. If you move on to my family’s drawers, you would find that the t-shirts are smooth and wrinkle-free, underpants are stacked in alternating directions (to avoid the dreaded phenomenon known as Tumbling Stacks of Underwear), and the socks are tucked uniformly together, each with its mate, like the animals on Noah’s Ark.

    They call it folding SCIENCES, but really, it’s ART.

    I’m sure you can see how this would give you a major advantage in the world of the royals. Entertaining heads-of-state and stuck for a conversation starter? Show them the royal linen closet and watch them go slack-jawed with shame and envy!

    And as for gossip, ahem. I see that HRH the Empress Alexandra left a comment earlier. She is buttering you up and working to lay the foundations for a false sense of security, but in reality she is furious that you have the temerity, the hubris, the unmitigated GALL to claim a royal title for yourself. Word is she has plans to kick your ass and take your courtiers as slaves in her own palace!

    I look fabulous in jewel tones – a nice plum, perhaps, or a deep red.

  20. My ego can’t take this competition. Cannot take it, I tell you. But damn if I don’t want that crown. Me? I can ROCK a tiara. Plus, it will look awesome with my yoga pants and sweaty tee shirt.

    My secret talent? I know all the words to these TV theme songs: Facts of Life, The Nanny and The Fresh Prince of Bellaire. Oh, and Happy Days and Laverne and Shirley, but everyone knows those, right?

    Gossip? I do not gossip, m’lady. (I will so gossip if you give me a tiara and make me part of your court. I’m headed to Blissdom next week and I will text you every juicy bit of scoop I get out of that place.)

    May I also offer a bribe? Pursey and I are going to be reunited soon. You may remember that I once stalked her at Bloggy Boot Camp. I will bring her a good present. Just saying.

  21. My talent is probably not so secret. I am a blog lurker. I read often without comment. I totally get caught up in reading and forget to retweet to my scanty following. Or? I retweet all at once, most likely gumming up timelines across the twitterverse.

    Gossip? I’m pretty sure the Northwind is making plans to attempt an overthrow of the Sunking and thus prevent an end to winter. However, the tree nymphs are plotting sabotage and have made a deal with some southern air elementals to hijack some warm gusts floating along the Gulf Stream. Thereby causing ice melt to begin north of Mason-Dixon line.

  22. I just came for the gossip…

  23. Um, what? I have to AUDITION to be in your court? And what is the benefit of serving you? Yes, I’m asking what’s in it for me! I mean, I love you, adore you, and, at times, I suppose I worship you. But what if your court members try a coup? What then? WHAT THEN?!?!


    My hidden talent is…hidden. If I wanted people to know, it wouldn’t be freaking hidden! You would have to put me on your court to find out.

    Gossip…let’s see…well, there was the thing about the boobs going commando in a certain black puffy coat, but apparently Nichole has already spread that rumor..there was the stuff about those same boobs playing poker, drinking whisky and smoking Camel unfiltereds way into the wee hours of the morning..

  24. I can turn my tongue into a three-leaf clover. Witness:

    My gossip is that the Octo-Mom was apparently in a fetish video. With a man dressed like a giant baby. *Shudders*

  25. Mother Hen will absolutely guarantee that she is the only applicant who is a typing chicken — but that’s not a secret, now, is it?
    She will also be the only applicant who can lay eggs, which is very handy should Your Highness be hungry for breakfast…or lunch…or dinner. That is hardly a secret either though. After all, she is a chicken.
    She can also dance a mean chicken dance, but well, that is probably expected as well.
    So here is her top secret, don’t tell a soul, cross your wings and hope to fly unexpected talent: Mother Hen is a cat whisperer! Nimbus and Topaz will be as sweet and gentle as baby chicks when MH is done tickling their ears with her dulcet tones. How invaluable is that!
    Also, Mother Hen is the candidate most suited to the carrying of the royal train, the polishing of the royal shoes, and the dusting of the royal tiara, with her built-in feather dusters!
    As for gossip, well, you didn’t hear this from her, but there is a nasty rumor going around that the pumpkin tramp is planning an Easter egg hunt for the Spring, and who better to foil her dasteredly scheme than the President of the EggLayers Union?
    Mother Hen is sure that you will agree that she is uniquely qualified to be a lady-in-waiting to Her Majesty, Queen Lori, and oh so humbly submits her application for consideration.
    Regally yours,
    Mother Hen
    P.S. Green brings out the yellow in MH’s lovely eyes.

  26. Are you sure you want attitude? Really sure?
    My hidden talent is bossy-ness. Those commoners and paparazzi get up in your grill and I’m your girl. I can make ice cream and bread and chocolate fondue. We should add a fondue dispenser to the tiara.
    And who else will you be able to share gowns with- not those b cup girls.

  27. TheNextMartha

    Hidden Talent: I can make Origami Sex toys.

    Gossip: @Blogdangerously is actually a MAN

    Crown please.

  28. Oh crap, Lori, I was hoping just the sheer willingness to follow you around and fan you with copies of Martha Stewart Living magazine and feed you bon bons would make me a lady-in-waiting. Now I have to audition?


    OK, my mysterious hidden talent: I have the amazing ability to concoct an edible meal out of almost anything I find in the kitchen/pantry. At times, this has included leftover Easter candy, tri-colored noodles, hot sauce, and capers. My family still talks about THAT one.

    And gossip? Well, let’s just keep it between you and me….but a certain prince might have waited a few years too many to ask a certain Kate/Catherine to marry him because he was pining away over a quite older, happily married blogger whom he felt would perfectly complement his rather boring public life with her wild ways behind closed doors.

    But that’s just between you and me, right?

  29. hmmm my secret talent…tap dancing definitely…so secret that after tapping for my husband 16 years ago at our wedding dinner, I haven’t given another performance. As part of your court (if chosen of course) I figure we could order others to dance and perform for us – therefore my secret talent could remain hidden…

    If that talent isn’t good enough, I have this secret way to get kids of all ages to eat their veggies…yep, it’s a secret, but I promise it works.

    Gossip…you know that “evil” neighbor of yours?? well, I happen to know that she’s planning to pull out all her tricks over Valentines day…yep, get ready, she’s working on cutesy hearts to display all over her yard with precious bulbs blooming in-between…I have a very silent pair of pruners though…we could do this…we could take her DOWN!!!

  30. I wanna be a courtier! I wanna Portrait By Lori!

    Secret talent? I can put my feet behind my head. And no. I have never been in a porn.

    Gossip? I know for a fact that SOMEONE whose photos on her blog are AMAZING is totally doctoring them. Didn’t even take them. And that cute baby? Not even her kid. For real.

    Also, I will totally TP pumpkin-bitch’s house if I’m chosen.

  31. My secret talent is that my thumbs are double jointed which makes thumbs up look really strange.

    I have no good gossip. I just like to read everyone else’s. However I might know a little something about someone somewhere… 😉

  32. pffft.

    these women are weak. WEAK I tell you.

    I have many talents. For one? my last name is SLUITER. You take out that “I”? and I am the slut of the court. everyone needs one.

    also? my boobs have lasers in them. that’s right. laser boobs. I can take a bitch out.

    as for gossip? I’ve slept with everyone here.

    Wait…you wanted gossip about OTHERS?

    Oh, Ok. Nichole? Not as sweet as she seems. She is really a stripper named KeKe DeVille. She was my first blogger conquest.

  33. CDG

    Lori, since I have previous assurances of a position as a Lady In Waiting (Tweets hold up as a legal contract, right??), I feel I shouldn’t spoil these girl’s hopes by dropping my Audition Bomb on ya’ll, but if I must…

    My secret talents are many, but for the Queen Who Has Everything? I make The Best Frosting In The World. Ever. Amen. And I will make it for you, to eat with a spoon, in your favorite flavor, from a bowl, while reading my trademark, steamy, soft core-ish short stories, in your royal bower, with or without Himself, written for your exclusive entertainment, unless you deign to share.

    Your very own Italian Mousseline Buttercream making Court Scribe!

    Tasty gossip? Clearly I’m not going to share it this public forum. All of my best gossip? I’m saving for your Royal Ears alone.

    I know how you like your delicious, snarky bits of glee.

  34. AmyBlam

    Secret talent? Getting hired to do shit I have NO clue how to do. Tomorrow I start a weekly segment on a sports talk radio channel. I thought a pro throw was a move not a person. Even in college, I never made it through a football game. When the snuck in Jack ran out, I did too. So maybe my secret talent is faking it?
    Juicy gossip? My husband has beat up BOTH Brett Favre AND Harry Connick Jr in bar fights.
    I have a crown, a tiara and a feather boa wardrobe, enough sparkly crap to outfit a burlesque show, nice boobs and a keen fashion sense.

  35. AmyBlam

    Also? I will fling canned biscuits at any brickwork on your neighbor’s house for as long as your heart desires. But we have to wear all black and paint our faces and stuff. Obviously.
    Another secret talent? Prisoners love me. I routinely get jail mail, complete with crafts at the newspaper. They want to be friends, pen pals, teach me Spanish, have me visit them. I never knew a society columnist would appeal so much to the criminal under belly.
    Crime, gossip, sparkles, perfect manners…I have it all.

  36. My amazing talent, I can wiggle my ears. It’s been known to cause migranes when people try to wiggle their ears after seeing me do it.

    I’m an actual princess. Shhhhhhhhh! Nobody knows.

  37. Well my talent is I can magically produce any kind of alcohol out of my bag of holding. I also heard (and I won’t name names) that some other people were stealing your tiara design.

  38. Sadly, my secret talents cannot be revealed here, for fear of legal repercussions from the FCC.

    Also, I haven’t time for gossip, what with all the riding crop oiling and kegals…

    HOWEVER, as I do like keeping excellent company, I’ll go ahead and offer to assist in the TP job with Chalupa , should I be given an honorary slot (just a suggestion, Kitten). Also, I do actually have Bear Grylls personal mobile number (I sh*t you not.), which I *could* be persuaded to share with you.

    If you trust yourself with it, of course.

    And I wouldn’t.

    – B x

  39. I’m going to start with the gossip. Here goes:

    MommaKiss and I are actually a two headed monster spawned from the two head monsters from Sesame Street. You know. The ones with the bananas sticking out of their ears? Well, instead of bananas, her and I have pocket rockets coming out of ours.

    This, in turn, makes us very popular in the club scene. We have been hired by popular lesbians such as, that DJ Samantha gal who munched LiLo’s carpet, and Rosie O’Donnell to put on parties where we light said dildos on fire and do a baton twirling act. With our shared body and two heads.

    The whole living on seperate coasts things is a farce to hide our double life we are living. Her whole ponytail gig? Strictly to hide the pocket rockets in her ears.

    It’s all coming together now, isn’t it?

    This doubles as my special talent as well. I mean, who doesn’t want flaming ear dildos thrown around at their royal party. Let’s be real about our priorities, Lori.

    Only problem is we are booked solid until after Prince William annd Kate’s wedding. We are the headlining performers at their wedding. There’s also talk of Oprah and Gayle giving us a show on the OWN network. Somewhere between showings of The Color Purple and Precious.

    But we will move our schedules around to join your court. Because we are people pleasers.

  40. Damn you, SurferWife! Outing us!

    While it’s true that we are a two-headed HOT monster with pocket  rockets flaming out of our ears, there’s more.
    Since she shared some of our talents, let’s not leave anything out. 

    Surferwife failed to mention our outfit. Shirts vary by day, but the pants? We sport those tight corduroy OP shorts. The ones SurferWife talked about sending me. The kind that either Tom Selleck or Burt Reynolds wore back in their hayday. You know the ones. They display the mooseknuckle wonderfully.

    The Princy Prince and Lil Kate specifically requested that we wear the Royal Blue pair, so that we don’t clash with her ring. 

    My secret  talent? Other than hiding the pocket dildos behind my pigtails? Well keeping secrets, of course.

      I’ll never share the intricacies of your court. Except with my blog readers. But that’s IT!

  41. I can gargle the Star Spangled Banner while spinning tassled pasties in opposite directions without breaking a sweat, but himself already knew that.

    I need to warn you that The Flying Chalupa and The Next Martha aren’t really cat people. I hope Topaz and Nimbus are neutered because I overheard them talking about stuffing a chalupa with fried cat balls. Maybe they were just discussing a mystery Iron Chef ingredient, I’m not one to spread rumors. I just know how much your pussies mean to you, so I would stay away from Mommakiss and Surferwife too.

  42. Oooh, more gossip…possibly the worst kept secret in all the blogosphere but in case you haven’t heard: I know one crown wearing hottie who can cuss like a sailor. And she calls herself royalty.

    Ooh, and this just in, you MUST not accept any courtiers who are fans of the Uggs. You know what those things do to your feet? Cannot have your court smelling of foot cheese, can you?

    And no, I promise never to speak of these atrocities again. I’ll see myself out.

  43. Hidden talent……I can drink 22 shots of tequila still be standing, AND not get sick! It’s so true! See for yourself…
    And? Since I can drink that much many people think I wont remember all the secrets, confessions and gossip!
    Trust me, I remember it ALL! makes for a good spy dontcha think?

  44. OH MY GOD! Three in one week? The same week you are overwhelmed and can’t respond to comments anymore? This makes my email so on point. I know I shouldn’t be laughing, but I’ve been walking around my house giggling for the last 10 minutes. 🙂

    PS This is not my audition!

    PPS A court without favorites?!

  45. Hey, did you know that, in addition to my spectacular folding abilities, I also make excellent coffee? True. Also, I don’t drink wine, so you’ll get it all for yourself!

    Hey, what is this brown stuff? Do you know how I got it on my nose?

  46. Dammit! People are all just way too clever!

    My hidden talent is that I have no hidden talent. But I do have nice boobs, and that has to count for something right?

  47. Well, my not so secret talent is that I can sing. Pretty darn well, if you ask me (and the people who pay me to do so) ( My more hidden talents are that i make AMAZING boozy drinks and baked goods. One of my hallmark drinks is a “pear-Hypnotiq(R) pomegranate martini” that will knock your socks off. If you’re looking for a simpler drink, we have the “pregnant Shirley”, which is a Shirley Temple & a screwdriver all in one glass. Both are delicious! Of my cookies, the ones that people seem to go the craziest over, are the chocolate & peanut butter chips with ande’s mint bits that have a white chocolate drizzle. I know It sounds like a lot, but the combo of all the flavors is breathtaking. Think Glenngary Glenn Ross (film) in cookie form. Its that epic. The best part, for your court, is that all of my creations would be healthy for you. Logic being: happiness = healthiness. Bada bing, bada boom!

    My gossip is Salieri really did have Mozart killed. (just kidding) My real gossip is that Einstein & Madeline Albright had a kid together. *gasp!*

  48. After I got to the line about Origami Sex Toys, I knew I couldn’t compete. So, pathetically, I’m not even going to try. My only hidden talent is burning the souffle, cultivating mold in the refrigerator like it’s a petrie dish, and collecting dust bunnies. None of these would serve any real purpose other than to make the queen look like a true Martha Stewart.

    And as for gossip, I don’t really have any. KLZ popped Liz’s cherry, Old Tweener is rocking the acid washed jeans in an attempt to bring back the 80′s and woo Bon Jovi, and a certain unnamed blogger found the body of Jimmy Hoffa (and possibly DB Cooper’s lost plane and treasure) in her closet. Old news. None of this is stuff you don’t already know.

    So, really, I got nuthin’.