How to Create a Black Hole

Do this:

Take two bloggers (in this case, yours truly and Yuliya from She Suggests.)

Seat them across a table from one another.

Have them aim cameras at each other at the same time.

Hit the shutter release.

And then, much like the infinite reflections that happen when you stand between parallel mirrors, the very fabric of the blogging universe gets reflected between the lenses. Trapped in a singularity of page views and bounce rates, the reciprocal commenting force builds logarithmically until the linkbacks and pingbacks create an inescapable event horizon.

Time and space distort. Distances become relative. Hours pass in minutes. Sound becomes a palpable thing as laughter echoes on a quantum level and is the only thing to escape the intense gravitational pull.

It was only the carefully controlled environment and quick-thinking fellow bloggers with their fingers poised over the kill switch that kept the universe from collapsing completely into its own magnetic field, reduced to a sea of base molecules and stray Tic-Tacs.

Really, you’re all lucky to be here today at all.

42 Comments

Filed under Humor

42 Responses to How to Create a Black Hole

  1. I wonder if this explains my Monday morning flu, the collapse of our heating duct system, my dead battery, and my mother-in-law’s angst? I’m not so sure I wouldn’t have preferred the black hole this morning. How do we know it is not Nirvana?

    • Well, since no one’s ever been, it’s entirely possible that the inside of the black hole is populated by handsome things bearing delicious cocktails and ever-ready for the foot massage.

      So you’re right. We should really be keeping all our options open.

      And so sorry you’re sick! ACK!!

  2. I’ve met online friends in real life before. Your description in most cases is right on. In other cases? Umm, yeah, not so much. Bad dreams is what my mind conjures up. 😉

  3. Mother Hen used to have a bank account called The Black Hole.

  4. Lori, love the description of your meeting! More details please! And pictures…I know there has to be more pictures 🙂

  5. Fun times! Well, not the black hole sucking us all in part. But lunch with blog friends is good times.

  6. KLZ

    I always knew that cameras would be our downfall.

  7. Listen smarty pants, a vlog would have been better.

  8. I’d like to report as the person at the stunning Miss Lori’s elbow, that I do feel fine, she was not contagious and I did not even NOTICE any coughing. She had us spellbound with tales that are best left untold here.

    A wonderful way to spend a few hours…thank you for being there and thank you to Yuliya for putting this all together. I loved every moment!

    BTW, Beach Chalet on a sunny day: GORGEOUS! But I think I should have had the crab benedict!

  9. liz

    You met Yuliya?! I bet she was a hoot!

  10. Dude, did you just say ‘event horizon?’ Brilliant. Best post about what happens when bloggers meet. Combustible! Sooo great to have met you. Thank God we avoided that black hole.

    • Uh huh. I did. “Event horizon.”

      Cause I am to elevate this place with words we barely understand.

      That’s just how I roll, honey-buns.

      (Note how lame I sound when I try to cop an attitude.)

      Was fantastic to meet you too!

      Lori and The Chalupa! Sounds totally like a made for TV movie wherein I am played by a chimpanzee.

  11. i want to meet blog friends. sigh…

  12. I don’t even understand what you’re talking about. I just want to know what was for dessert.

    • we skipped dessert, well the rest of these skinny biatches did and I couldn’t be the only calorizing…sorry SF brings out my street wise vernacular

      • Like we could have sat there watching you watch us eat brunch.

        Next time we meet, we’ll ALL be able to eat.

        Then we shall feast on chocolate and deep fried numminess!

    • Somehow we avoided dessert.

      I think nineteen thousand calories in crab benedict was enough.

      Plus, Yuliya could barely eat anything. After the brunch (where Yuliya had to eat TOAST), I don’t think we could have taken the guilt.

  13. pretty sure the cough/hack thing I have going on right now wouldn’t be welcome ANYWHERE. But the camera clicking? I can handle that.

  14. amyblam

    For some reason, when I saw the headline I thought this as going to be about Christmas lights, or lack thereof. We have a neighbor we call the black hole of Calcutta because they never have a light lit. Ever. Regardless, I’m glad there was no weird space time continuum thing and that we’re all still her and don’t have to watch marty’s mom try to make out with him.

    • It was touch-and-go there for a bit, but we did manage to avoid the collapse of the universe.

      Which would have been such a bummer. I have cool stuff coming from Amazon.

  15. I was lucky to have escaped that black hole…the minute the cameras were pointed, I felt a whooooshing sound to my left and ducked right over onto Nichole’s lap. Or maybe it was just the crab benedict talking.
    Only a lunar eclipse would be more note-worthy.

  16. SO great … love the meeting and the photo. I’m stopping over from Natalie’s (monster mom lady of toddler and twins chick) and it’s so very nice to meet you.

    I haven’t been blessed to meet a bloggie friend – yet. But I’ve got some visits planned for in the new year. And the CAMERA will be out and ready!

    • Hello there! Thank you for swinging by!

      Any friend of Nat’s is a friend of mine.

      And meeting the blogging friends has turned out to be far, far more fun than I ever thought.

      And yes – have the camera at the ready!

  17. Pingback: Points for Posts | In Pursuit of Martha Points

  18. I felt the vortex pull. But I looked away at the last minute… These kind of posts can be very dangerous Lori. You need to wield your power with restraint. I can’t believe you and Yuliya were sitting across from each other. You mean you are actually “real” people? Who knew?
    Dana

  19. Logarithmically? I’m so bad at math that I didn’t even know that’s a real word.

    (I googled it, FYI.)

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