Finally!

People who know me, in addition to giving me chocolate to prevent me from turning on them like a crazed wildabeest, know that I like to have tools. I like instructions. I like how-to’s. If there’s something that tells me how to insert tab A into slot B and end up with a six piece dining set, I’m a happy camper.

But parenting how-to’s…

They’re just not for me.

Having read through attachment parenting, free range parenting, helicopter parenting, oil and vinegar parenting, which-credit-card-hasn’t-been-cancelled-yet parenting and I-TOLD-you-you-could-get-pregnant-that-way parenting, I’ve finally decided to stop looking outside for what I need and just do it myself.

So In Pursuit of Martha Points is proud to present:

Finally! The all-in-one go-to guide for EVERYTHING that you need to make sure that your child ends up in the emergency room less than they end up in the principal’s office. Your source for red flags to warn you if the cheese-experiment in the fridge has gone toxic, and your reference for everything you need to know about decreasing the likelihood that anyone will think that little kitchen fire was bad enough to notify CPS.

It is the guide you’ve been looking for.

Here’s what we have for you:

Chapter 1: Babies!  More than the Hot New Accessory.
Chapter 2: The Toddler – It’s Ok, Don’t Call the Priest.
Chapter 3:  Your Pre-Maternity Body. Yes it’s gone for good, get over it.
Chapter 4: Potty Training – The Group Sport.
Chapter 5: Kids, Pets and Other Non-Flammables.
Chapter 6: School Daze, or, 8 Treatments for Nose Bleeds
Chapter 7: Vodka, why wait for noon?
Chapter 8: Your Handy Self, or How to Build the Parthenon out of Marshmallows and Hair Gel in 9 Minutes.
Chapter 9:  Teens. See Chapter 7.
Chapter 10: Creative Discipline – Groundings, Head-Shavings and Musical Theater
Chapter 11:  10 Words to Avoid When Talking to Law Enforcement
Chapter 12:  College. Or, Abject Poverty Can Be Fun!

Is that not all the most imperative information all in one place?

BUT WAIT! THERE’S  MORE!

Order your copy of Chaos Parenting now and we’ll send you our über-chic first aid kit! Complete with the newest in I-Can-Set-That-Bone-Myself Technology and designer bandages with matching sutures! Don’t duct-tape that baby into the stroller without it!

32 Comments

Filed under Humor

32 Responses to Finally!

  1. I don’t have any kids, but I still want to do Chapter 8!

  2. I need to the chapter on potty training and I could really use the chapter on toddlers. Something happened to JDaniel when he turned three. He developed a very dark side.

  3. Though I don’t yet have kids, I feel I could still be aided by chapters 7 & 11.

    And I didn’t mean to do that, it just worked out that way.

  4. I would totally buy that book. Although I would probably just skip ahead to Chapter 7 …

  5. Finally, my waiting is over! It’s way too late for the older one, but I still have more time with the girl child. Please rush my order, overnight delivery if you can, and does this include free headphones too?

  6. Sounds pretty much the way we parent. If the authorities don’t catch us in the act, then it never happened, right?

  7. Sounds eerily familiar. I say, “raise ‘em like feral cats.”

  8. I probably need to read Chapter 7 right now…and it’s only 7:30 am!

  9. Shoot, now I need to cancel the appointment with a priest. I even mentioned my toddler’s demon possession voice in my post today.
    I love chapter’s 3, 4, and 11. I think you may have a best seller here.

  10. I like #7–its gotta be 5:00 somewhere, right? And its not just about duck tape–never ever be without “bond it” in your Parent survival kit.

    Thanks for the Friday giggle—I am on Chapter 12.

  11. I’m thinking there needs to be a Vodka chapter after each of those other chapters…especially potty training.

  12. I think that’s all the How To’s any parent needs! LOL That book would sell millions of copies!

  13. I think I’m looking forward to chapter 11 the most

  14. Um, I need rush delivery. Also, does it come with a bottle of Vodka? I hope so!

    Great post!

  15. CDG

    Chapter 10 is my favorite.

    But you forgot the Forward you clearly meant for me to write. After all, I wrote the cult classic Parenting Through Benign Neglect.

  16. KLZ

    I honestly don’t read the parenting books anymore. Attachment what now? I just do what’s right for us.

    For instance, fire extinguisher in every room. It’s just smart parenting.

  17. Chapter 3 is the hardest one I think

  18. It does look like it could do the job, definitely a valuable tool. But I may need more hands on help. Will there be a seminar? And will it provide wine by the barrel?

  19. Chapter 10? Pure genius. When will this book be available? This better be real and not your “sense of humor” thing that I don’t always get.

  20. Mommy wants to know if there’s an eBook version available for her Nook!

  21. LMAO!!!! I’d so read your book.

  22. Add my name to pre-order list for the book please. Also, I would like an autographed edition please.

  23. i’m curious about other non fammables!!! 🙂 we’re in the potty training phase. fun fun!

  24. daredevil229

    I want one too! I LOL’d at Chapter 11. We homeschool, so I always feel like I’m on the spot w/ my parenting choices.

  25. Genius. Having been investigated by CPS (turns out my ex-husband doesn’t like me; who knew?) and having caused the investigator walk away declaring that I really do make the world’s best coffee (which, as we all know, covers a multitude of sins), stamping the case “unfounded” as she went, I’m uniquely qualified to write a blurb for Chaos Parenting.

    Also, I am writing long sentences today. I plead lack of sleep and an excess of the aforementioned coffee.

  26. liz

    Each chapter was funnier than the one before it! I just stumbled this! SO true!

  27. Melinda

    ROFL!!! Brilliant. I want the audio version. I dread going through Ch 8 again as my littlest starts elem school next year. I have learned drinking through science fair projects brings out creativity you didn’t know you had…or the project just looks better.

  28. The only reason I lived to Chapter 12 was I lived Chapter 7 every day, like daily mass but better.

  29. Mother Hen just knew you had a bestseller in you somewhere!
    Parenting is like herding cats, or baptizing them, or maybe trying to to do both at the same time while on the phone with your mother-in-law trying to pretend that everything is just ducky!
    Her friend Jodi has a marvelous memory of mentioning in a call to her mother than the kids were body-surfing down the hall stairs, then reassuring her that, no, there was no need to get off the phone and stop them, because that was normal at her house, and the little darlings hadn’t hurt themselves doing it (yet).

  30. Bahahahaha! Great graphic for your book, by the way. Makes it look so pretty and easy. 🙂

  31. Coolwhipmom

    Alls I want to know is why this book isn’t ALREADY on the market???? Because I want to buy one for every mom I know.

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