First, let us talk about the ways in which I am clever.

Because talking about how I am clever, pretty, funny, charming or winning at a board game are some of my favorite topics.

We really don’t get to talk about these things enough.

This may be my fault.

On Friday, Himself stopped at Costco on the way home from work to pick up a few essentials. Toilet paper, butter, a twelve-pack of flat-screen TV’s, you know.

I suggested that maybe he could look for something for dinner. Especially if, perchance, crab legs were to be had for a really good price.

And it turns out that crab legs were to be had for a really good price.

There was swoonage. I don’t get to have crab anywhere near as often as I think I am entitled to have crab.

So dinner was set to  be rosemary bread, salad, and steamed crab legs.

We encountered an eensy weensy hiccup in that the only steamer we own can’t even handle asparagus, let alone three Alaskan King Crab legs.

I hate boiling crab. The shells become unmanageable and the meat gets too tough. Steaming. It has to be steaming.

So this is where the clever part happens.

One of us (also known as Himself) suggests the big roaster. Which is large enough for the crab legs, but has no steamer inset.

Then one of us (I don’t actually remember who but we’ll go with me) thinks to line the bottom of the roaster with cookie cutters to rest the crab upon.

Brilliance. Sheer brilliance. Someone should think to send my name to the Nobel Committee for Creative Crustacean Cookery.

Plus, it adds the festive "Christmas in June" look.

Don't you wish YOU were so clever?

So once we had the giant turkey roaster lined with copper Christmas cookie cutters and an inch of water happily boiling away, we added our three Costco Crab Legs.

I bet Bobbie Flay does it this way ALL the time.

Then we melted up half a dairy’s worth of butter and sat down to a feast.

This, however, is where the happy-making discussion will end.

Because I have ignored the inevitable for too long.

While I was merrily tallying points for all my crafty door-painting and ashtray-enhancing, I was also ignoring many other things in my house. Things like the carpet being an inch thicker than it’s meant to be for all the cat hair, the layer of dust on the bedroom furniture that had become thick enough to grow crops in, and the discoloration of certain porcelain household fixtures that should really only happen in laboratories designed to test industrial strength cleaning materials for the military.

And despite the reader suggestions that things behind the bedroom door are the private business of two consenting and sometimes-slovenly adults, there does come a point when enough is simply enough and responsibility must be taken.

My office at WORK never got this bad.

My desk is made of wood, right? I can't tell any longer.

Previous score: +26 points

  • Allowing an entire new level of carpet to grow on top of the previous layer of carpet: -5 points
  • Allowing dust to cultivate its own microclimates: -5 points
  • Ignoring the master bathroom to the point where even a teenaged boy isn’t happy to use it: -8 points
  • Paying such close and caring attention to our growing plants that we actually have baby tomatoes and baby lemons: +6 points
  • Allowing the home office to evolve into a new species of sentient furniture is counterbalanced by the reason being creating a storage back-up system so that music files stop dragging down the operating systems and photos have a back-up in case of drive failure: 0 points
  • And finally, for taking the “if I ignore it it’ll just go away” approach to what’s growing under the dish drainer: -4 points

New score: +10 points

All I can offer is huge relief that I’m still in positive numbers. Because I was braced, I can tell you.


Filed under Domestic Disgrace, Humor

36 Responses to Exposed.

  1. liz

    I was totally examining all the cookie cutter shapes. Am I the only one?

  2. But you should get at least a few points back for cleverly creating a Christmas copper steamer insert. You could market that.

  3. you get Macgyver, and not Martha, points for those cookie cutters. Brilliant! Who cares about scarey paramecium on your porcelain? you had good crab!

  4. I LOVE that idea. I think it is very Alton Brown-esque actually since he would never have a tool that doesn’t multi-task!

  5. Dude– that steaming idea does deserve a nobel prize. AWEsome.

    p.s. I would like you to know that my hubby’s desk is the exact same as yours. Small world. ‘Cept upon his sets my “machine” ’cause I don’t have room for it on my desk. It’s a small source of contention.

    • I’m happy to say that the second computer finally made it back to the family room desk.

      We were trying to back up the music library.

      Sometime in the next few weeks, Himself gets to run a reeeeeeaaaalllllly long ethernet cable under the house.

      The little Mac does not have wi-fi, we cannot afford a new one, plus the wi-fi signal waaaay back there is weak.

      So, reeeeeaaaaallllly long cable.

      Under the house.


  6. My desk looks like that….after I clean it….but, my bathrooms pretty clean.

  7. If Husband weren’t (a) mostly vegetarian and (b) creeped out by shellfish, I’d by NOT EVEN ON SALE crablegs, just to do this for the novelty of it.

    Also, I vacuumed a whole second cat’s worth of hair today, you’re not the only one! 🙂

    • Oohh..major score for you on the vacuuming! Nicely done!

      And we were pretty proud of the cookie cutter thing…until we had to clean them.

      It got a little less stupendous then.

  8. KLZ

    The cookie cutters ARE hypnotizing. And I was proud of myself like a three year old all “Oooh! I spotted a candy cane.”

    But it’s ok to be proud of myself, right?

  9. You really need to add some points for your clever crab steaming idea! And don’t worry, your home office isn’t the only one buried in piles of stuff!

  10. I would say that you are a cookie-cutter genius. Except that sounds like you are a genius like all the others that have been stamped out in cookie-cutter mold. And you are like no other.

    I want crab legs. Badly.

    To eat. They would just look stupid if they were my actual legs.

    • Although, think of the absolute absence of ever having to shave.

      ‘Cause that would be a total bitch…all those bumps.

      You’d never bother. Cause, why would you?

      Also, you’d walk sideways. But we could always just tell people you were drunk.

  11. Love the cookie cutter idea. That gives me a reason not to throw them out.

    PS I love your new green door. I hadn’t visited for a while and I missed it. 🙂

    • Yes, definitely keep the cookie cutters. you can never tell when you’ll be in a “I need a cookie cutter!” emergency.

      And glad you like the door!

      And it sorta seemed like busy had pounced upon you ferociously. Not to worry. 🙂 Happy to see you, though!

  12. I just thought “Ooh! How cute! The crabs get to go to “sleep” with visions of candy canes dancing in their heads!”

    I love Macs. Forever. And that plethora of cords under your desk look just like ours.

    • Awww… I hadn’t thought about the sweet dreams the disembodied legs were having! How cute!

      And yes, a plethora of cords. A cavalcade of cords. A scurry of cords!

      (I think I’ve been here before recently…)

  13. Backyard Neighbor

    The only thing I can say (beside that you should have awarded yourself some points for the brilliant steamer idea) is, you haven’t seen our office yet. You’d run out of our house SCREAMING and NEVER, EVER coming back, not even for the best bottle of wine!

  14. i would like to be slovenly. unfortunately my ohsolittleocd tendencies break me every time. specially when the hubs is on travel…i am a pig-in-mud til about three days before he gets home. then i get all anal and spend those three days cleaning up so he won’t see the little piggy that lives here when he’s gone…

  15. Jb

    Frankly, I think adding a new level of carpet in that way is genius…you didn’t have to lift a finger! And just think…with that quick accumulation of “new carpeting” your carpet will never have time to acquire traffic circles! Pure genius!

    • Sadly, this particular kind of carpet goes with you when you leave.

      Which is not so great if you plan on meeting anyone you know or like.

  16. While the cookie cutters ARE delightful, you can also ball up a bunch of foil and put it in the bottom. We do that all the time for seafood steamers.

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