Call me Hitchcock

So I am sick.

Not like with the deathly typhoid induced leprosy I had earlier in the year.

Just enough to feel like yuck and have zero energy.

But that’s not where our story goes today.


There’s trouble brewing at Chez Lori.

Trouble of the avian kind.

Last year about this time, in a fit of Martha-y-ness I decided that we needed more birds.

Given our feline velociraptors obviously we cannot have birds IN the house. At least, not for more than eleven minutes.

We put up several outdoor  bird feeders.

Tempting nature to our very door.

As it turns out, very little tempting needs to happen. Without even trying we’ve got pirate raccoons, density violating skunks, rose-eating deer, patio-ruining gophers and salamanders.

To date, the salamanders have done nothing destructive to our property, but we figure it’s only a matter of time before they learn how to operate heavy machinery or mutate into giant killer land-squids.

But I digress.

(Shut up.)

So we have five…COUNT THEM, FIVE!…types of birdfeeders.

Cylinder seed, tray seed, cylinder thistle, hummingbird and suet.

So we’ve taken the local population of winged, taloned, beaked wildlife and gotten them addicted to various and sundry bird-crack in our yard.

And at this very moment, the number of birdfeeders that have seed in them is…


Ignoring for the moment the negative Martha Points associated with starving the local bird population, I think it is possible that we have a looming security situation here.

I’ve been carefully watching Backyard Neighbor’s feeders because when hers get low too, I think a Feathered Apocalypse plan needs to be parlayed into action.

Because I fully believe that at that time, a swarm of several thousand chickadees, titmice, sparrows, towhees, finches, blue jays and hummingbirds are going to fly into an aerial attack formation and make off with my car.

Probably while I am inside.

If I go missing sometime in the next week or two, check the treetops.




Filed under Humor

25 Responses to Call me Hitchcock

  1. by startling coincidence I have a bag of bird seed & no feeders (for making pinecone birdfeeders in the winter). Perhaps we could get together?

  2. Feline velociraptors? I almost shot tea out of my nose. That’s awesome! Harryboy, who is a lazy dumbass, bagged his first bird this past weekend and brought it to the door. I suspect the bird was already dead and the cat was frontin’. My teenager said, “Whoa. I didn’t know Harry had it in him.” And I agreed.

  3. So you decided you’re sick? Sorry! Feel better soon.

    Yeah, I don’t like nature too much, so no bird feeders for us. With my luck, the birds would just crap all over my deck (and me).

    Our neighbors have lured a skunk in with their bird feeder. I’m about to go and empty the damn thing just to get the skunk away from our house.

  4. Gorgeous pictures! I’m super sick too. Still can’t talk.

  5. did you get a new camera? lovely photos.

    I have an empty bird feeder too. The upside to this, Lori, is that there is much less bird poop on my porch.

  6. KLZ

    Why is the apocalypse always occurring at YOUR house? Is this Martha Stewart’s Revenge? Seems she’s much more spiteful than Montezuma.

  7. Oooh, avian apocalypse is no bueno.

    We also have bird feeders for the lovely & attractive mid-Atlantic birds. As long as the lovely birds do not wish to eat. Since the bag of seed is under my kitchen sink. Ahem.

    I would direct the birds inside to help themselves & save me the hassle, but I’m pretty sure Gandalf (feline assassin) could get to them under the kitchen sink. And the bird remains would probably draw ants. And I hate ants in my kitchen.

  8. Just tell the pumpkin tramp. I’m sure she’ll have the perfect solution.

  9. Those birds are conspiring now, plotting something big. You’re going to walk out there, believing you’re being beckoned to by a sparrow and – BAM – it’s gonna be one of those spider-like robots from War of the Worlds standing there.

  10. PS – I really don’t want that robot to get you. And I hope you have a speedy recovery…

  11. Mom

    …true poetry! 😀

  12. Sigh. My feeders are empty too. But with the 3 protectors against vermin in the house I feel somewhat safe.
    As long as I keep plenty of kitty kibble on hand.

  13. I’m going to go out on a limb…
    By not feeding the birds you are teaching them to be self reliant and forage for their own food. Very point worthy.

  14. liz

    So your motto is: If you build it, they will carry you away?

  15. Did the same thing…and now we have a couple (not sure if they are married or just dating) of the most beautiful red cardinals (well one is red and the mate is not so much). Guess what? Cardinals have extremely loud chirps. Annoying really. Can’t get rid of them. Between them and the early morning dove, it’s a little loud around here. Not what I envisioned when we hung our bird feeders. Hope you feel better soon and glad it’s not the return of the plague. That was my first thought when I read the last post.

  16. Tell the birds that the salamanders ate their seeds. Problem solved!

  17. Okay, you’re Sherlock.
    Mother Hen

  18. You had me at “feline velociraptors”. Seriously, you write this funny stuff when you’re sick, even?!

    Will check tree tops for sure. Also the rooftop of pumpkins-on-roof lady, who has to have taken them down by now.

  19. I have nothing clever to add. It’s all been said.

    I bow down to your wit, even when you be illin’.

  20. I’m so sorry you’re sick. I’m actually sick too. It sucks. And I think I’m getting the chalupa sick. Which sucks even more. But back to the birds. Birds in great volume FREAK ME OUT. When I was in Venice I almost died. Despite this, I am still entranced by bird feeders and plan on getting one or two.

  21. Haven’t been on your site for quite a while. Life happened across the fence. AND – my birdfeeders are LOW. Will refill later in the day, because I don’t want that wildlife take off with you!!!

  22. That’s just like a bird to peck the hand that feeds it when the hand stops because it’s not feeling well.

  23. lol yall got me killing myself, love this article and you gone have to take your birds to the rehab lol

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