Blue Clues

Two years ago I bought a hydrangea.

It was blue.

This is what it looks like now:

I feel compelled to mention that the reason that we bought it was because it was blue.

It is now pink.

I already have a pink hydrangea.

And yes, this is the specimen that the unfortunate snail was hiding in before meeting his untimely death as a result of a rapidly arranged high-impact introduction to a wooden fence.

Which I still feel sort of bad about.

But back to the clearly-no-longer-blue hydrangea.

The problem, obviously, is that the hydrangea is too happy.

We spoil it.

We cater to it.

We water it, feed it, evict cephalopods from it, take pictures of it.

Any residual, lingering feelings of dissatisfaction have all but evaporated.

So now it apparently sees the world through rose-colored glasses.

Which is just not okay. It’s meant to be blue.

So, I’m on a mission now to depress my hydrangea.

Here are some of my ideas:

  1. Tell the hydrangea that it’s looking a bit round around the stems.
  2. Tell the hydrangea that the squirrel won’t come into our yard because it smells funny.
  3. Advise the neighbor’s cats to laugh at (not with) the hydrangea.
  4. Dress the hydrangea in discoordinating plaids.
  5. Make the hydrangea wear horned-rimmed glasses.
  6. Play tragic country songs about how the rosebush done gone and left it.
  7. Play tragic adult alternative songs about how the rosebush died too soon, too young.
  8. Play tragic polka songs. Of which they all are.
  9. Tell the hydrangea about the oil spill.
  10. Tell the hydrangea about the crisis in the middle east.
  11. Tell the hydrangea about the economic downturn.

(OK, now I’m depressed.)

This is my solution for being too lazy to go to the garden center to buy aluminum sulfate.

Although this raises an ethical points question. Do I get points for horticultural creativity and garden color balance, or do I lose points for undermining the mental health of deciduous shrub?

This is what I think about all day.

It’s amazing I can tie shoes.


Filed under Humor

48 Responses to Blue Clues

  1. My experience is that you can add all the soil supplements you can find but it’s not likely to help.
    And points… definitely in favour of points for horticultural creativity. After all gardening is artistic. Also any plant not behaving as it should needs some serious talking too.

    • Yes, those are my feelings.

      I mean, if the shrubberies aren’t willing to live up to their obligations I think they *deserve* a lecture.

  2. Or you could just add aluminium to the soil… (If you go buy another one and plant it in similar soil it will go pink again!)
    And if you don’t like to look at the pink flowers in your garden, you can also cut them and hang them upside down to dry – you’ll have a beautiful dry bouquet.

  3. Maybe it just needs an aluminum foil hat to keep the invisible pink rays the govt sends out from reaching it?

    • Ooooohhh….thereby introducing the necessary aluminum into the equation, protecting them from evil petal-control rays AND turning them into paranoid conspiracy theorists!!

      I LOVE IT!!

      • Backyard Neighbor

        And just imagine Nimbus venturing outside and discovering that aluminum foil hat… YOWL! I’m impatiently waiting for the drama beyond the fence…

      • I would think that Nimbus yowling from the family room would be enough to make you cringe.

  4. I know, I know… feed it cookies for two months, take it into a dressing room outfitted with florescent lights, and make it try on bathing suits. That always makes ME blue!

  5. I had two pink ones, then they turned blue and now they’re gone, replaced by knock out roses.

    I like plants that stay the same color as when I bought them. 😉

    • It makes it even worse when you bought them BECAUSE of the color they used to be.

      I’m just not in the mood for botanical irony at the moment.

  6. If it makes you feel any better, it looks purple to me. And purple is sort of a shade of blue.

    As far as points, I think you lose them for depressing the hydrangea, but you gain them for making me giggle this morning. So in the end, it all evens out!

    • As long as I’m not losing points ground. I’m going to have to do a total sometime this weekend, and it ain’t lookin’ pretty for me.

  7. I also heard putting rusty nails in the ground works, too. Never tried it though.

    I love your ideas for depressing it! What about threats of its untimely demise?

    • The kids had heard that pennies would make them change color, but when I looked it up the websites said that that was just an myth. They were willing to sacrifice their pennies for the cause, though.

      And I want to DEPRESS it, not give it battered hydrangea syndrome! 😉

  8. I could come over – I kill every plant. But maybe that is too drastic?

    • Well, that’s a very kind offer and all, but I’m really not trying to terrorize it into submission, so perhaps yes just a leeeeeeetle drastic. 😉

  9. liz

    I’ve always heard they turn colors based on the soil they are living in.

    • This is what I’ve read. Which explains why they are BOTH pink.

      But I really wanted this one to be blue. And I didn’t know it would change color.

      So I think, all things being kind and fair, it should not play bait-and-switch on me. Don’t you?

  10. The color of hydrangeas change depending on the acidity of the soil. If you want to change it, you can get something at a local garden store.

    Beautiful photo!

    My ex gave me a white hydrangea about 4 years or so ago on Mother’s Day. It hasn’t really bloomed, but this year it is laden with buds…just in time for me to go on a trip for five weeks. So I have to wait yet another year to experience its full beauty.

    • Well DRAT about the abandoning the almost budding hydrangea. That’s a sucky bummer. (Not to be confused with a bummy sucker.)

      And I know I could go get an additive, but….that means a trip to the garden center, and I’m tired, and waaaahhh…

      It’s easier to heap abuse on unsuspecting plants.

  11. I’m too depressed to comment.

  12. Feeling a little blue actually.

  13. KLZ

    Heh. I bet those cats are already laughing at the hydrangea. You just need to enlighten him (it’s gotta be a guy if it’s being this problematic, right?)

    Also, you said cephalopods. Heh.

    • How often to you get to just toss that word around?

      Apparently not nearly as often as you actually get to toss the cephalopods around.

  14. Amy

    Have I got undiagnosed colour-blindness? Looks like a photo of a blue hydrangea to me… Perhaps YOU have a case of undiagnosed colour-blindness & are merely imagining that your hydrangea is pink…

    • No my dearest, you have recently pregnant brain.

      It’s PINK.

      (Or, it could be your monitor. But I’m going with recently pregnant brain.)

  15. Lol it looks more pastel blue to me 🙂

  16. I know. Tell it that it’s butt looks big. That always works for me!

    Oh, and it’s a hydrangea, in any color it’s flat out one of the prettiest!

  17. So it looks purple-y to me. . .? Does it have any blue-ish tones at all? Your flowers are playing for the “other” team. I don’t know what else to say.

    • Some of the blooms in the back are still ALMOST blue, and a few of the blossoms are sort of lilac colored (which tells me they’re under attack from the pink.)

      The ones in the front are pinky pink pink.

      Which would be love, except I WANTED bluey blue blue.

      (That sounded way more dorky than is good for anyone.)

  18. Laura

    You could play just about any Morrissey song and that’d do it. 🙂

  19. It is pretty and alive which would qualify for major points around here.

    • I’m trying – although the temptation is great – to not award myself points for things simply not being dead.

      I feel I should try and keep the standards a *tiny* bit higher than that.

      Although some days…

  20. chicu

    hydrangeas are like litmus paper! the soil needs to be acidic for them to turn blue..try adding aluminium sulphate. and have fun changing around every year!

  21. Some of your ideas may confuse the poor flower and turn it tinky winky purple.

    • I did consider the possibility of an identity crisis, but….I’m willing to risk it.

      I’m sure the flower on some level understands the sacrifice.

      Deep down in the roots, maybe.

  22. Sounds like an excuse to buy a new hydrangea.

  23. Jb

    Maybe you can guilt the hydrangea bush…I mean it might feel bad that it is making you depressed!

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