Bitter Cold

I think I have a cold.

I hate that.

Not the having the cold. Although it’s true that I’m a big fan of breathing, smelling, and that I believe that NyQuil was an experiment by a bunch of rogue pharmacists with congestion problems who had a warped sense of humor and a phenomenal marketing budget.

It’s the “I think” part.

I need to have a cold or not have a cold.

I need to know if I should be in bed watching tv that makes me want to share my credit card number with people who are selling triple-layered static-powered super dust-socks, or upping my dose of anti-histamines to effectively fight off the most recent assault of assassin allergens.

I need to either have ginger-ale and a package of Tylenol Cold and Flu at the ready, or be able to blink without discomfort and smell potential gas leaks for the safety of my family and pets.

One or the other, Mother Nature, one or the other.

This just makes me feel lazy and lame.

This makes me feel like a whiner.

I have a husband who perpetually thinks that he’s sick.

Actually, both of the men to whom I have been married suffered from this disordered thinking.

Husband 1.0 would, in the event of any GI distress, ignore the 13 Hostess Donettes he had just eaten and proclaim, “I have the flu.”

Himself will spend a week waking up with congestion that clears by midmorning yet still announce, “I have a cold,” ignoring the notable absence of additional symptoms and the transient nature of the illness. “You have morning cold,” I diagnose. “Maybe you’re pregnant with molds and mildews.”

Which goes over about as well as you’d think it does.

So I don’t want to be sitting her whining about “maybe” having a cold. It sounds like I can’t commit. Like I can’t pick a side. Or like I’m looking for sympathy.

I just want to know what color we are on Homeland Security Threat Level – are we Claritin clear or NyQuil green?

You know how unsettled I get without a plan.


Filed under Humor

27 Responses to Bitter Cold

  1. Hopefully your ailment will come out in full force today or evaporate into the ether. Hackboogeyman is back out our house and I woke up with him this morning. Bitter doesn’t even begin to cover it.

  2. I’m going through the same thing. I “think” I have something, but not enough to take anything to help me out. It’s so frustrating!

    And now I’m wondering if you’re married to my husband. He has the same disorder!

  3. Hilarious! You just summed up the problem I always have at this time of year. And in a way I never could have. 🙂

  4. I have the same thing as your husband.

    And it’s driving me nuts!

  5. Got the same thing going on, with an occasional cough & since I had bronchitis 3 weeks ago I have to also wonder if perhaps I still have it, which has happened before.

    Am I sniffling & coughing from allergies? Is it a cold? Has the bronchitis come back? It doesn’t call for a doc appt today, but will it by Friday when we are ready to leave town for vacation?

  6. LOL at Claritin Clear or Nyquil Green. Clever.

    I went through this last week, and I still don’t know what it was. Sore throat, post nasal drip, and a killer, KILLER headache. I slept for three hours on Thursday morning after taking the kids to school. I could have slept all day.

    I hope your body figures it out…but either way, just say your sick and rest. It’ll make you feel better.

  7. I’m in the same camp today, but took the day off to recover. I love your name for the ex, husband 1.0. Too witty!
    I was pleasantly surprised at how nice my ex was last night when I wasn’t feeling well. When we were together he used to get so mad when I was sick. It was just an imposition on him.

  8. LoL I know exactly how you feel.

    I mean, allergies suck, but they’re not contagious & staying home in bed won’t really improve them.

    A cold? Who wants to be the Typhoid Mary of the office? And getting that extra rest? Will help the body *fight disease* ::fanfare!::

    Also? Whoever created NyQuil? Is deranged. Or was on acid.

    And men are babies when it comes to being “sick.” Total babies. Severing a limb? Oh, no worries. Just stick a bandaid on it. The sniffles? OMG, they’re going to die! Please, cook for me! Massage me! Coddle me in my time of woe!!

    Notice that neither scenario involves a doctor. *sigh*

    I hope you feel better. 🙂

  9. KLZ

    I spent Saturday morning whining about the flu shot I got on Friday, so I’m in no position to judge here.

  10. I hate that in-between feeling. Either give me a valid excuse to go back to bed, or be gone with you, nasty cold!

    On the plus side, anything you manage to get done around the house while you are sick has got to be worth double Martha points… right?

  11. Have you heard that if you put vapo rub on the bottoms of your feet and then socks on before bed, you won’t cough? I think it may be an urban legend, but it might be worth a try. I hope you feel better. xo molly

  12. I should patch you through to my mother in law, she’ll have you up and running (away) in no time with fantastic remedies like mustard powder in your socks or a baking soda/salt gargle followed up with a vodka compress…

    Feel settled! (Can’t wish you well until you officially blog in sick)

  13. And doesn’t it just rock your world when you profess to be sick and suddenly the hubby has it WAY WORSE than you could ever have it? It’s like they have this biological need to compete in every aspect of life…snotty noses not to be forgotten. My husband doesn’t just get sick…he’s nearing the end…he’s seeing the light…he’s on the cusp of angels singing at his footbed. And then, miraculously, he wakes up the next day feeling better than he ever has. Ah-mazing.
    Good luck…stay in bed and live up the illness. That’s my advice. 🙂

  14. The only time that whining is acceptable is when we are sick. So wine away baby! Wait, that’s the wrong kind of wine, isn’t it? Although maybe some wine would make you feel better…

  15. I, Dr. Chalupa, can officially say that you have a cold. Take it easy. Do nothing. Complain. Eat soup. When the “I think” portion of the cold passes, feel free to continue as normal.

  16. liz

    My friend’s husband is exactly that way. he’ll pile on shit fast food, and massive quantities of it, and then be like, “Man, I have stomach problems just like my mom. I need a Pepcid!”

    Or, just stop pouring vats of lard down your gullet.

    Either way.

  17. The sick sucks. Try the lie down test. Get into your bed or cozy on the couch. If you can lie there with no urge to get up and vacuum or cook or fold laundry- you are sick. If you can’t lie still- not sick.

  18. Himself

    I resemble that post.

  19. Breathing is good.
    Mother Hen

  20. Breathing is overrated. You can get a nice buzz from lack of oxygen. Sure, you might tumble down the stairs and break your leg, but at least then you’d have a definitely ailment, right?

    p.s. hope you feel better soon!!

  21. Maybe it’s a guy thing? ‘Cause I actually disregard when my husband says “I think I’m getting sick”. It’s a boy crying wolf, thing. Said that too many times, hon. Nothing happened.

    Hope you’re not sick.

  22. I hate Cold Limbo.

    My hubs also suffers from that ailment. He’ll say, “boy, I’m feeling rather congested today,” as he gestures toward his face (so I know where his nose is).

    I say, “You are congested every day.” Because he is. That he sleeps on the couch most nights is testament.

    So why he needs to announce the daily congestion, as if it’s a sickness coming on, I do not know.

  23. I hate when that happens. Cold? Flu? Allergies? Sinus congestion? or sinus infection? I’m so busy that I don’t have time in my schedule for more than simple sinus congestion or mild head cold. It’s all just a pain in the rear really.
    Hope you figure it out and feel better soon.

  24. Mother Hen has boldly gone where no chicken has gone before, on an investigative journey to discover the truth about the Vapo-Rub on the feet/claws theory.
    Just Say No to Chicken Soup!!!!!!!!!

  25. Whine away, my dear, whine away! We will listen, even if hubs and kids won’t. And I happen to think that Nyquil is awesome, awesome stuff as long as someone else is available to drive and/or get up with the dog. Cause if not? It’s not happening.

    Feel better soon.

  26. I hate not knowing because I don’t know if I should stay home and keep my germs to myself. Hey, office, sorry for inflicting my germs on you when I thought I had “allergies.”


  27. NyQuil keeps me up all night. Yep. I even fail at NyQuil.

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