Bear in mind I MEANT well.

It really all started as a way to commune with nature.

*thump*

Since it’s been well documented in the blog that I really am pretty dysfunctional at houseplants, and although I’m better with things that grow in pots outdoors, I’m still not a crazy need-t0-be-outside-in-floral-gloves sort of person. So it seemed like a nice idea.

*thump*

At the time.

*thump*

And it wasn’t like it took a lot of effort. One trip to the hardware store and I really had everything I needed. I didn’t need to get any books or anything.

*thumpity-thump*

We didn’t even need to wait very long. A week or so, maybe? In terms of instant gratification it was pretty good for a yard. I mean you have to wait two years to get lemons off a baby lemon tree. Or four years, if you’re me.

*thump*

It’s just that sometimes when you plan these things you can’t really anticipate all the problems that might happen. It’s easy to get yourself locked into the idyllic picture and forget all the logistics.

*thump*

Or consequences.

*thump*

Or…mortality.

*thump-a-lump*

So we did a fair amount of research. We did all the things the books and websites say to do…

*thump*

…when you’re trying to deal with…

*thump*

…this problem. But nothing seems to be working. So I wonder if…

*thump*

…any of you have any inspired ideas…

*thump*

…for how to keep the…

*thumpity-thump-thump-thump*

…GODDAMNED BIRDS FROM FLYING INTO ALL OUR WINDOWS!!!

Cause if this keeps up, the Audubon Society is gonna be all over my ass.

23 Comments

Filed under Humor

23 Responses to Bear in mind I MEANT well.

  1. KLZ

    Personally I have not planted anything because I am worried about an impending bunny invasion. Those bunnies can be insidious and have a known penchant for basil and dill.

    Well, there’s that and the fact that my house is surrounded by dead plants the previous owners put in. Hey, I didn’t realize I’d have to PREPARE them for the WINTER. They live outside, shouldn’t they already be prepared? That’s on them as far as I’m concerned.

  2. My mom had a woodpecker problem and she put a fake owl on the roof of the house and that seems to be working….

    That’s all I’ve got.

  3. Hahahahahahahahahaha!

    Can you get those window stickers that are supposed to scare away birds?

  4. CDG

    Sometimes? Birds are just stupid.

    There. I said it. Don’t you feel better?

  5. Yea, don’t wash your windows.
    Glad to hear your baby lemon trees don’t yield any fruit either. I’m about ready to take a chainsaw to mine.

  6. Nodic Girl 2

    Don’t know how to keep the birds from hitting the windows. Where I use to live I had the same problem and tried all sorts of things. They didn’t pay any attention to my life saving techniques. You’d think they’d appreciate the effort anyway, but no! They just kept committing suicide on my windows. Little bastards! Good luck with the search though. Hope the tree huggers don’t picket your place for infringing on the birds rights!

  7. You need 1 of 2 things:
    1. A dog to drool all over your window and bark at every leaf, bird or mailman that goes by.
    2. Small children’s artwork plastered all over the window.

    Both is better. If the birds still fly into the window, they are too stupid to be helped.

  8. You kill me. Too funny. Gather enough of them up and you’ll have enough for dinner maybe.

    Just saying…

  9. Umm…perhaps you could make some kind of decorative feather craft out of the um, not stunned birds that hit your window. Perhaps the plumage of their fallen brethren will be enough warning??

  10. My parents used to hang those little stained glass ornaments on their windows, and it seemed to help some.
    We have another bird problem.
    People have asked my husband why the rearview mirrors on our car are covered with plastic bags when it is parked in our driveway.
    His answer totally cracked me up.
    He said, “Horny robins.”
    Apparently in spring the local male robins are what Thumper would euphemistically call “twitterpated.” When they see their reflections in our rearview mirrors, they think it is another male robin, and they attack. Not only do they peck at the mirrors, but they poop all over them too.
    Thus the reason for the tacky plastic bags hanging off the side of our vehicle.
    Maybe if we could get your kamikazi birds and our horny robins together, and form a support group.
    Jodi

  11. So hilarious, I am dying over here. Not dying like those poor birds but you know what I mean. I was going to suggest those stickers but sounds like you’ve already got them. I’ve got nothing.

  12. I’m pretty sure the advice you are looking for here is not “BB GUN”…right?

    Clearly I’ve got nothing.

  13. That’s hilarious (since it’s not my house). I got your back if PETA gets involved

  14. Apparently Nimbus and Topaz aren’t spending too much time stalking you in the shower and not nearly enough in the windowsill where they belong. Do you have a mouse problem too?

  15. You kill me. Every time.

    I hate birds with a fiery passion. Our neighbor across the street LOVES birds, and has birdfeeders and even sprinkles seed all over his driveway so that the birds can reenact that scene from that Alfred Hitchcock documentary and swoop in all at once.

    So, no help here, but at least they’re still outside. Yay?

  16. Topaz and Nimbus must be in heaven!

  17. I had no idea where you were going with this. Too funny. We have many casualties too. We have some sort of red berried tree they all get drunk on some time in the middle of winter and then the window seems to be the only direction they can fly. They are really pretty birds too. Nothing works.
    Dana

  18. OK. So now you’ve got me paranoid that the earth’s gravitational fields just might be shifting. Because, lately, the robins have been attacking our windows. And it is definitely not because my windows are sparkling clean.

    Did you ever solve the problem? I’m so curious if you found anything that works.

  19. Gina

    I know exactly how you feel *thump – I had this problem last year really bad. This year I’m planning to soap my windows (though not all too attractive) with a solution of Ivory soap and water and just smear it on and leave it until the birds are done migrating. Then wash it off. Good ole’ soap & water works great to clean with anyway. Mind you I live up on a hill a good ways from traffic so most people passing by won’t even notice.

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