Ask Not Martha – Your Points Questions Answered!

Hellloooooo Lovely Readers!

(You should be hearing Julia Child when you read that. I realize that you might not actually hear Julia Child if I don’t tell you that you should, but that’s what I’m here for is to perform these important little public services.)

And speaking of public services! Today it’s “Ask Not-Martha Day!”

(Imagine something really spiffy here, like say, frogs doing the can-can while confetti falls.)

Our first question today comes from The Suniverse.

You’ll be relieved to know that attitude does not enter into the Martha Points calculation. IPoMP cannot dictate what you think. For instance, you could think that Emeril is a loud, blowhard of a chef that does nothing interesting beyond yelling BAM at his food, but still love to prepare his short ribs because I swear to god angels wept the day that recipe entered this earthly plane. So you can think whatever grumbly, dissatisfied thought you like. No penalty.

Our next question tonight comes from the ever lovely KLZ from Taming Insanity.

For the sheets, that’s a good +6 Martha Points, although it seems you might be tempted to let that slide a little. NO SLIDING. Sliding is a sure fire way to hell, brimstone and a raging case of gingivitis. For not letting yourself or your husband eat in bed, well, as long as you’re washing the sheets every week frankly I think you’re being a little draconian there, don’t you?

Next we have the always delightful Not Just Another Jennifer from Midwest Momments.

Ok, due to the lag in the publishing industry, this question was actually asked about two weeks ago. So it’s possible that Jennifer’s stats have improved since then. But I’ll answer this question as if just asked. Jennifer, assuming that the pre-school did not need to alert any protective agencies, that you ended up with a child that was actually yours at the end of the day, and the child in question has not started calling other random women “Mommy,” you’re all good.  No penatly.

Next up we have..umm…darn, you know, I have a lot of blogging friends whose names I actually don’t know. So here we have What The… From What the Heck Am I Doing 24-7?

Oh, Martha Points AND Mommy Points. Someone is clearly planning a coup somewhere. For the sandwich name cutting you get +5 Martha Points with a +2 Mommy Point bonus. For heading off a labor uprising in the dishware district (and that’s a NASTY territory, let me tell you) you get +6 points. As for the dining table, well…if you can get yourself in there before heavy earth moving equipment is necessary you can avoid a fairly harsh -10 point deduction, but it sounds like maybe you’re having to improvise with other horizontal surfaces just to find eating space, and you really don’t get any points for setting the children up for dinner on the back of the toilet. But keep at it. You’ve clearly got potential.

And finally, we have Jen, our own fabulous Next Martha, whose question came via Twitter.

You installed a new floor? Ok, we are clearly in the presence of something a little out of my daily points calculations depths. Let me just pull out my handbook here….fabric… fez… fins… finales… figleaves…here it is! Floor! And with a self-installation rider as a bonus that…carry the two…That’s +30 Martha Points! However, for making the rest of us look bad, I’m levying a -7 point penalty.

That wraps up this edition of Ask Not-Martha! Keep those questions coming and those brooms busy! If you don’t know what a broom is, you need to stay after class to chat with me. And bring a mocha. I’m parched.


Filed under Humor

35 Responses to Ask Not Martha – Your Points Questions Answered!

  1. WHEW! I’m glad I’m not detracted points for being cranky while doing things. That’s a huge relief, because I don’t think even theoretical math goes that low.

  2. Wow! Jen got 23 points! I’m all sorts of jealous!!

    So for sticking my hand down the garbage disposal instead of letting Tater’s fish die an untimely death, how many points?

  3. My first time here and I love it! I already have 6 points!! BTW, when you said hellloooo? I totally heard Julia Child. I love her and when I see anything with extra oo’s I do it in her voice. I kid you not. That is how awesome I am.

    • Welcome, you!

      And I LOVE when people get my Julia Child impersonations. When I can’t wave the cooking apparatus around it sort of looses some of the effect.

      That you can hear it in print with no swingin’ knives is simply fourteen shades of awesome!

  4. how many points do I get for giving my daughter a good 13th birthday even though she was at her dads? I got a bunch of small gifts, gave them to her friends and had them deliver them to her (one each period) throughout the day…

    how many do I lose because I wasn’t able to convince her dad to let me have her that day and he didn’t even get her a cake?

    • Oh heavens…that’s plenty of points.

      Martha Points, Mom Points…plus general you-are-loveliness points.

      Because that’s a damned awesome thing to do.

      +30 Points For You.

  5. how many points for baking muffins and adding organic blueberries? The BOX didn’t even tell me to do that, I did it all by myself. Also, I sat on the couch while my daughter actually made the muffins. But I told her to preheat the oven, wash the blueberries and bring the bowl over to me so I could “make sure the batter was okay”

  6. Since I didn’t lose any points by setting the vacuum on fire, how many do I get for getting caught up on a weeks worth of laundry in just 6 hours?

    We finally got a new washing machine!

  7. KLZ

    So, I once came home to find David asleep in bed, his hips covered in brown….something. Turns out, he had fallen asleep eating chocolate in bed and had melted it while asleep.

    He’s also woken up to find himself eating chocolate in his sleep. chocolate he had left on his nightstand. He’d found himself eating when he woke.

    So, yes, the sheets need to be washed regularly. But the eating in bed? May still be pushing it a little.

    • How do you find yourself eating in your sleep???

      I dunno know about that one.

      I think there’s something fishy going on.

      Is he hiding Mars Bars on his side of the bed or something? Or…is he SLEEP SHOPPING??

  8. Your answers are both insightful and useless-err…useFUL (that’s what I meant, honest. *cough*)

    I’m just gutted that I’ve been such a crap reader/commenter (I always read, but haven’t always the time to comment andoften have to read in several broken sessions, hence holding onto any kind of coherent thought a distinct challenge.) and haven’t sent in my questions yet:

    How many points do i get if I purposely burned coffee mug rings into my coffee table so that the cute Spaniard who works next door would come and refinish it for me?

    Just wondering.

    – B x

    • This comment cracked me up and nearly made do something indelicate with my coffee this morning.

      I’m not answering this one here. I’m saving it for a post.

      Cause…damn, woman, what else could I do with such caliber material?

  9. whew! you’ll be happy to know that i’ve remembered to pick dd up every time since that posting. it’s only taken an alarm on my phone, my itouch and my work email to accomplish it. yikes…

  10. TheNextMartha

    I totally earned enough points for a nap. Love this.

  11. Jb

    Oh wow! I get 23 points for doing a floor by myself??? I did my bedroom this summer! And then I did the two boys’ bedrooms with their involvement. Do I get extra points for doing such an activity with my surly teenage boys?

    • Good lord…WITH teenagers? WITH them? You didn’t send them off to hunt snipes? Or oggle girls? Nothing?

      Ok, I’m going to need to think about this one.

      This has very little precedent.

  12. So many good points going on today, I’m feeling jealous. Do I get points because there were no bugs when I moved my refrigerator yesterday? I was very brave!

  13. I am not keeping track of points.

    I am just not.

    I prefer gold stars.

    And you? For your words on my blog today and for the fabulousness that is you over here on your own blog? You are all covered in sticky stars.


    You are all kinds of awesome.


    • I’m now having totally inappropriate covered-in-gold-stars thoughts.

      What a lovely image.

      I love starts.

      Especially when they are gold and being given to me.

      You are lovely, you.

  14. Dude! I could hardly get through this post, because the visual of frogs doing a can-can had me in hysterics. It’s difficult to read when you’re eyes are all watery from laughing.

    And my frogs? They all have top hats on and cute little canes. I know- weird they’re all men…

    But continuing on to a more relevant point, how many points for crumpling fitted sheets into a ball and throwing them into the linen closet? Alternatively, my family is prone to ironing and perfectly folding fitted sheets until they look like they just came out of their original package, how many points for that?

    • Oh, I LOVE frogs with top-hats and canes. Although i had nightmares about that dancing singing frog from the Warner Bros. cartoons that would only sing for the one guy and everyone else thought he was crazy. Apparently I had deep-seated anxiety about coming into possession of a magic frog but no one believing me.

      And I like the fitted sheet question. I’m going to save it for a post.

  15. Natalie had to rescue a fish from the garbage disposal. There must be an award for that.

  16. I’m so tickled my question made it in. 🙂 Little things, people, little things.

    AND I’m + points, too. Double Rainbow! Er, I mean, Double bonus!

    I hope someone out there got that joke. Please.

    (crickets chirping)

    Oh, well.

    I think I can still get to my dining table sans heavy machinery. For now. Altho a match & some gasoline? Looking mighty appealing. As long as it keeps to the table. Our house is cute & I’m pretty sure if I commit “arson” I won’t get the insurance money.

    Did I just lose points for that?? Crap.

    • Well, *I* got the joke!

      And no, they’re pretty crafty these days. They’re good at spotting arson.

      So don’t do that.

      If you must, rent the backhoe instead.

  17. Mother Hen here.
    Can MH get any points at all for knowing that the dancing cartoon frog’s name is Michigan J. Frog? No? She didn’t think so.
    How about for pulling weeds out of the coop’s front yard all day for two days so Father Rooster can reseed over dirt instead of crabgrass? Can that cancel out letting the crabgrass grow all summer in the first place?
    Domestically yours,
    Mother Hen

    • As impressed as I am to know that ANYONE knows that the name of the show-tunes slinging amphibian, I can’t think of how it earns a Martha Point. It earns a cool-random-knowledge point, but I’m not licensed to issue those.

      And I believe I shall save your other questions for the next installment. Yes, I think I shall.

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