And we’re cooking!

I actually do a mean Julia Child impersonation. It’s awe-inspiring.

One thing I don’t talk about a lot on the blog is cooking. Mostly because…well…I cook really well. I don’t have to think about it. It’s easy. Which means that it’s not really all that funny. Despite the Martha-y-ness of all things home prepared, it just doesn’t occur to me to blog about cooking because I can’t really see where it will be entertaining for anyone. (Unless I’m making a crepe cake, because THAT is funny. Me making crepes is funny. By definition.)

But I invented a new recipe. I do this a lot, but mostly I can’t remember them. So when my family says things like, “Wow! We should have this again!” I pretty much ignore them because I know I won’t be able to.

But this one is too simple and too memorable. It was inspired by a recipe we saw for ginger-scallion sauce. This recipe can be found in its entirety here.

And, as it turns out, the act of trying to be a food photographer and food blogger went a little less smoothly than I meant it to. Which totally upped the entertainment value.

Take two ounces of ginger and four ounces of scallions and pulse in food processer until very fine:

How do I know that this is two ounces of ginger? Because I know that it is all the fresh ginger I had. Therefore, it is “two ounces.”

This picture is totally unnecessary except that I thought the green and the pink were pretty together.

How do I know this was four ounces of scallions? I know that the package said “6 oz” and I know math.

While you are doing this, set two chicken breasts in a shallow pot of water with some ginger chunks (not pictured), a few smashed garlic cloves (not pictured), a few extra scallions cut into large pieces (not pictured) and 1 tsp. of salt (not pictured). See how great I am at this?

After you take this picture, wipe the steam from your lens and your glasses.

ALSO, poaching should typically be bone-in breasts. It takes a little longer, but the meat stays much more tender. These are boneless though, which I decided to use due to the seeing as how I didn’t have any other kind.

I set the timer for six minutes. After some time it occurred to me, “shouldn’t that timer be going off?” and when I glanced at the oven, realized that I had set it for 6 hours. Which would have resulted in chicken-jerky. I’m glad I noticed.

Now, in a largish soup-size bowl, mix the ginger and the scallion and salt them (and this is a quote from the recipe): “like they called your mother a bad name.” It turns out that in my house, calling my mother a bad name earns you just shy of two teaspoons of salt. Mix well.

While you are doing that, heat 1/2 cup of corn or peanut oil (NOT canola or olive, which of course is what Himself and I purchased the first time we decided to try this recipe) in a small pot until you JUST see wisps of smoke.

Right about now, realize that you have turned on the wrong burner. Which, considering you have lived in the house for almost four years, is pretty well inexcusable.

Now stop referring to yourself in the third person.

After I turned on the CORRECT burner, I stared intently at it, because heating up oil always freaks me out.

Once I saw the first wisps of smoke, I pulled the pot off the burner and poured it slowly over the ginger/scallion/salt mixture. It boils.

I couldn’t quite get to the camera fast enough to get it in full bubbly boily-mode, but trust me…it was awesome.

This needs to cool a bit, so now we move on to other things.

These are rice sticks from Trader Joe’s. I use these for all sorts of dishes. I do a peanut sauce noodle dish that’s incredible, I’ll toss them with veggies and soy sauce, they’re great.

Boil these. I’m not going to say any more about it than that. Read the directions. I have faith in you.

This is a pile of sliced chicken. Cut in whatever manner suits your fancy. I cut each breast in half, then in narrow-ish slices. I have no reason for this. The size just spoke to me. Zen-like. In whatever Zen-like way boiled chicken is capable of speaking.

Now here is where I tried to take another picture of the sauce, only to realize that the camera battery was dead. So I figured I could load the battery in the charger for a few minutes and at least get enough charge to take my last few photos. So I sprinted down the hall. Halfway down the hall I realized that I had just left the kitchen in the care of two cats while I had diced chicken on the counter. I sprinted back to the kitchen. At which point I realized that I could not herd cats with the camera around my neck. So then I WAY sprinted down the hall to deposit the camera on the bed, and sprinted even faster (which I would not have previously thought was possible) back to the kitchen to evict the cats. Which I did. Then I loaded the battery into the charger. Then I considered passing out and leaving the whole rest of the dish undone.

But it was a potluck, I was expected to bring something.

So back to the kitchen, where noodles are boiling, sauce is cooling, and chicken is…uh…well, drying out, frankly, if I don’t get my arse in gear.

So now I pull these out from the fridge:

Pickled Zombie Eyeballs!

No. Not really. Sorry.

Quartered mushrooms that I had marinating in teriyaki sauce overnight. They were scrumptious. They come later. But I wanted to show them to you now.

So once the noodles are cooked, drain.

Some of the psychotic awkwardness of my kitchen would be viewable in this photo if I hadn’t stood unnaturally close to the noodles for the sake of the picture.

But that’s another post. I didn’t want to distract myself, so I kept the field of view narrow.

So now, we have these things:

Rice noodles, poached chicken, ginger-scallion sauce and pickled zombie eyeballs.

For the sake of this arrangement, I did not want to add the zombie eyeballs…er…mushrooms just yet. I needed it to sit for an hour or two before serving and I didn’t want the teriyaki flavor to take over the dish. So I mixed everything but the zombie eyeballs (which I drained and brought with me) and then it looked like this:

Note the lovely and highly photogenic tupperware.

Then later, once I was at our little work soiree, I threw it all into a lovely bowl, sprinkled the pickled zombie eyeballs on top, and then it looked like this:

And it was delicious.

It is also, however, nameless.

Any ideas?

This post happily linked to “Tasty Tuesdays” at A Beautiful Mess!


Filed under Domestic Goddesshood, Humor

47 Responses to And we’re cooking!

  1. liz

    Once I started laughing, I couldn’t stop. I can completely understand why you can’t recreate recipes, because I know that I wouldn’t be able to recreate this based on the top notch information provided. Ha!

  2. Well, it looks good! I’ve never used the rice noodles so I might have to give it a try. I’ve never posted a recipe either for many of the same reasons but I don’t know if I’ll give that a try. A name for your dish? I have no idea. How about “the one with zombie eyeballs”. You know, that’s how they named every “Friends” episode…”The one with…..”

    • LOL…I’ve actually used that approach to naming for some of the blog posts.

      ‘Cause sometimes I’m actually out of words after the writing is done.

  3. Yum! I have no cooking skills what so ever. If I ever do, I stick with the book. I can’t assume something is “two ounces”. Even then, I usually end up messing something up. It’s just a fact of life that I and John Stamos (future husband) will have to deal with.

    You know, with all that sprinting back and forth, you could add that to your triathlon training.

    • Well, I know that John will love you enough to overlook any potential flaws.

      And I didn’t even think about including all that sprinting in my tally. How silly of me!

  4. KLZ

    Um, pickled zombie eyeballs is not a great name for this? It IS a pretty hilarious expression.

    Ok, let me go get my thinking cap…

    Got it.

    How about +10 Martha Points Chicken?
    Scalding Oil and Ginger Chicken?
    Chicken that KLZ could not make?

    • My favorite is the one where I get points for cooking things with pickled zombie eyeballs.

      And you could totally make this. I mean really…it doesn’t even have crepes.

  5. Still laughing!! I’m so glad that you trusted us all enough to read the noodle preparation instructions all by ourselves 🙂

    You should call it Pickeled Zombie Eyeballs & Chicken. It’s catchy dontcha think?

    You also should link this up over at A Beautiful Mess for Tasty Tuesdays….it really is a great recipe!

    • I have COMPLETE faith in my blog friends’ ability to boil water.

      I am generous that way.

      And I didn’t know about A Beautiful Mess. I shall go read that now!

  6. I’m always jealous of people that can cook – my husband can cook to beat the band, but couldn’t give you a recipe if his life depended on it.

    How about: “Knock Your Sake Off Noodles” – they seem to have an Asian flair.

    • I’m sort of like that. I’ll tell people, “Oh I have this amazing recipe…” then realize I have no idea what the quantities are, that there are little steps that I sometimes do and sometimes don’t….

      It’s anarchy. I should come with a sign.

  7. Yum. Even better than Soylent Green.

  8. Mom

    I vote for “Knock Your Sake Off Noodles” 😀

  9. All my food pictures are zoomed in to avoid the mess that is my kitchen. And for a name- how ’bout not the same way twice noodle salad?

    • LOL…that’s a good name because it is completely true.

      And now I wish I had more windows. Almost every single one of those pictures is too dark, and I can’t be bothered with editing them ALL.

  10. Whatever you call it, it looks delicious! (Except when I started thinking about zombie eyeballs but I got over that!!) Actually I like Kristin’s name for your recipe – not the same way twice noodle salad!

  11. LOL! Looking at the noodles (brains) and mushrooms – oop, sorry, (zombie eyeballs), how about calling this one “Zombie Head Salad”

    Brains – noodles
    eyeballs- mushrooms
    hair-green stuff

    Zombies can’t remember stuff either, so you can change it up next time, and they’ll still eat it!

  12. Hilarious! But too many steps.

    I would never be able to make this based on the information provided. Snort! But the noodles look yummy!

    Way yummy.

    • Too many steps???

      Mince, mince, boil, scald, sprint, sprint, chase cats, mix, boil, hunt the undead, chop, mix, mix.

      Piece o’ cake.

  13. Chicken Licked By Cats Noodle Salad
    ….because really you could be FloJo and still not know for sure. Aside from the possible kitty saliva and being shorted on the ginger, it looks delicious.

  14. Wish I was such a great cook. Looks delish! Thanks so much for linkin it up with my tasty tuesdays today. Share any other of your inventions in the coming weeks. I host every tuesday.

    alicia @ a beautiful mess

  15. Well… it looks wonderful! LOL!

  16. It does definitely look good! Highly entertaining cooking session, by the by.

  17. I could barely make it through this post without soda out the nose, but I have to be honest, through the whole thing I was wondering how many points the ginger was going to get you.

    So I read back through THREE TIMES to see if I missed it somewhere. No. Nowhere. Thus, I award you extra crunchiness in points’ stead. You’re welcome.

  18. How about: I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here, but it tastes damn good salad.
    or… Cats! get the hell away from that chicken! salad
    or…Dang I’m a good cook chicken noodle salad.

    I just kept thinking about a possible gig on Hell’s Kitchen thus the inspired titles. my apologies.

    You know I love ya!

  19. That looks yummy! Visiting you from Tasty Tuesdays!

  20. You should SO write a cookbook.

    You could give that ol’ Pioneer Woman a run for her money.

  21. i love the “pickled zombie eyeballs” personally. totally makes me want to eat them.

    one of your funniest posts. you’re a cooking genius!!

  22. Jb

    I wanna see that Julia Child impression. Could you do a re-make of this post in video format as Julia Child?

    • I’ve been asked to do VLOG’s before…but, unless I upgrade, I can’t post them on this blog.

      I sort of need to blog to cost me as little money as possible.

  23. Psssh! Of COURSE a Zombie recipe book would sell! With all the Zombie Apocalypse stuff out now, and the revisionist books, like “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” People would get in line for it just based on the Title! How ’bout “How to Cook With Zombie Eyeballs” for a Title??

  24. Pingback: Potluck in Pictures « In Pursuit of Martha Points

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