And the Chicken Has No Head*

Or, Excerpts from My Dinner With Andre
(For tonight’s performance, the part of Andre will be played by three hyperactive teenagers.)

***

That’s so sad.

What’s sad?

The chicken doesn’t have a head.

You would rather I cooked chickens with their heads still on?

No, it’s just…it’s bad for the chicken.

Honey, I think being DEAD is bad for the chicken.

***

***

Bubbles? Bubbles are bad. Why are there bubbles?

TURN THE WATER OFF!

Where’s the plunger?

Under the sink.

It’s NOT under the sink.

Well, it’s SUPPOSED to be under the sink. That plunger is NOT supposed to move.

Houston, we have a problem.

Turn it back on.

Should it make that noise?

Why is there all this water?

Look again, the plunger should be under the sink.

That’s not a logical argument.

***

***

I bet I can fit the rest of this in there!

Oops! Huh…I really thought I could fit all the rest of this in there.

***

***

What are you doing?

I need to move this.

Don’t pick that up!

I just need to throw it away.

Don’t pick that up!

It’s ok, it’s just going to drip a little.

DON’T PICK THAT UP!

It’ll be fine…

DON’T TURN ON THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL!

Why are there bubbles?

***

This was all dialogue from (or with) my kids at dinner Wednesday night. I fully intended to write about something else, but they were just too damned funny.

*Sorry, Mother Hen!

22 Comments

Filed under Humor

22 Responses to And the Chicken Has No Head*

  1. They are pretty funny. Except the moving of the Plunger. That’s not funny in a bubble emergency.

  2. Klz

    Oh, kids are the best

    What’s that?

    You wanted a joke from me?

    I can’t top why are there bubbles…

  3. When you locate the missing plunger, can you come find ours? I have bought two replacements in the past six months. I think the plunger ran off with the chicken head to forge a new life.

  4. sounds like the discussions at my house. No matter how the discussions starts, it always ends up being about poop.

  5. You know, I’ve never needed a plunger so much until I had kids. Now? I so know the value of a good plunger.

    What is it about the poop of those under 18?

  6. If a headless chicken bothers them, definitely don’t make beer can chicken. Where you have to put that can in the chicken? It’s…. disturbing.

  7. One benefit of teenagers is that none of the conversation involved characters from Thomas the Tank Engine. Now THAT I’m looking forward to!

  8. We have 3 plungers. One near each item most likely to need it. They never are when the time comes but one of the others usually is.

  9. Mother Hen is still being revived with smelling salts after reading the title of this blog. Again.

  10. Who needs ladies in waiting when you have a peanut gallery like that? The comments from your kids are pure comedy.

    Personally, I might have told them that the bubbles were caused from the chicken’s head that was stuffed down the disposal. But my kids are little, and would totally fall for that line.

  11. When I was giving birth to Carter, there were bubbles. I kept asking “Why are there bubbles? Where are they coming from?”

    No plunger, though.

    Which is not exactly the same as YOUR bubbles, but still, you made me think of that.

    Just thought I’d share.

    Your kids are a riot. Teenagers are like toddlers – the charming/funny/adorable things about them JUST barely outweighs the obnoxious/annoying/difficult things about them. Thank God.

  12. The pictures are great.

    The bubbles are a little scary.

    I love the apology to Mother Hen!

  13. Plungers are ewwwwie. Even when they’re clean. Ew.

  14. It’s like a beautiful Sienfeild episode unfolding 😉

  15. I love the convos in our house, too.

    I couldn’t write that stuff.

    Larry David couldn’t write that stuff.

    I love my teens.

  16. Man your house looks funner than mine.

  17. If you need a live chicken, I can send you one. Child A looks so much like you! Child C looks so much like himself too. What a good looking and funny family you have. I’d love to have dinner at your house.

  18. I acutally meant Child B, but you get me all confused with the letters 🙂

  19. That’s awesome. 😀 I can’t wait till mine are old enough to know where the plunger is supposed to be!

  20. That’s awesome. 😀 I can’t wait till mine are old enough to know where the plunger is supposed to be.

  21. Your house? Sounds very fun, Lori! Even when inhabited by teenagers.

    But when the plunger gets in on the action in our house, it’s not pretty. So I hope it all turned out OK and that the chicken was tasty and worthy of many Martha Points.

  22. I can’t wait for dinner conversations. really. we had the best when I was growing up too…still do when we all get together with my parents 🙂

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