A Break in the Case

So this is how this week went down.


Virus [enter, stage left, masquerading  as a cold]: grrrrrr….

Me [casually tossing Tylenol at Virus]: Ehhh….shuddup.


Virus [now in possession of 100 degree fever]: GrrrRRRRrrrrr….

Me [pelting Virus with ibuprofen]: Hey, I told you to get out of here!


Virus [now doubled in size, carrying 102 degree fever]: Snarrllll….GrrrrrrRRrrrr…

Me [shooting cough syrup soaked ibuprofen at Virus with slingshot]: Down, Rajah, Down!!!


Virus [now in possession of 103 degree fever and fangs]: RRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Me [hiding under credenza]: mommy!

So in desperation I called Himself home yesterday and we went to the doctor, where I was apparently the first flu case this season. But since I didn’t even get a t-shirt or anything I think is basically a rip-off.

The office also told me that my namby-pamby doses of ibuprofen were, well, namby-pamby and that no self-respecting virus was going to take me seriously if I was going to shoot it with the equivalent of a water pistol.

Well excuse me for following dosing direction.

I am now officially two weeks behind on my life, which is causing me to feel a little panicked.

Not that I can do much about that at the moment. My big accomplishment so far has been to walk out to the family room to have my coffee this morning.

We have a family room. I’d forgotten.

But…I am able to sit upright.

I have the laptop.

And I no longer have disturbing fever images of the love child of Meredith Viera and David Bromstead in my head.

One step at a time.


Filed under Humor

18 Responses to A Break in the Case

  1. Yeah, that definitely sounds like you need the 800mg horse pill ibuprofen to heave at that sucker.

    We have people walking around the office sniffling & discussing their aches & chills. I really want to assault them the the Lysol from the bathroom. I will spray them until they go home & take their contagion with them…

    I’m glad you feel better…ish.

    • Look at me! Responding to comments! Woot! I think at that point you should actually be able to just use the Lysol can as a projectile weapon. If they won’t stay home with a virus, maybe they’ll stay home with a head injury?

  2. Hi! We have not been properly introduced yet. I am, Joann, lame coffee cup collaborator.

    So sorry to hear about your visit from the bad flu virus. What a craphead that bad boy is.

    I am quite the germaphobe, so as I was reading this, I was holding my breath and chewing up a handful of gummy vitamins because yes, I am a loser and I can’t be bothered to buy the grownup ones and I just triple the amount my kids take. Works…hopefully.

    I’m glad you’re on the road to recovery. Don’t overdo it, as my mother always says. Also my mother says, “You mothers today just push yourself way too hard.” Because she was the mom of the 60′s with the cigarette in one hand and the cocktail in the other. I think there might just be something to that.

    • Not “lame!” “Streamlined!” “Uncluttered!” I’m really good at this. I can make just about anything sound good. And yet, I hate sales. Nice to officially “meet” you too! And I’m sorta with your mom. Plus I love a good cocktail.

  3. I hope the doc’s meds came with a howitzer like delivery system

  4. KLZ

    Glad you’re feeling better. Sickness is uncool.

  5. So I’ve been reading your posts but haven’t been leaving comments just in case your contagious. I can’t even get sick, as you know depending on Jason to take care of three small kids and me would be a ridiculous thought.

    Hope you feel better my friend 🙂

  6. It’s flu season, oh the excitement. One of my coworkers brought their kid into the office today because they weren’t allowed at school because they had the flu. WHY BRING IT HERE THEN!? I don’t want no flu, and I don’t think my ten month old daughter want no flu. That’s okay, though, I have my SARS face mask and several packs of Germ-x wipes.

  7. Glad you’re feeling better. I was wondering when you’d see the doc. You sounded more miserable daily.
    Don’t overdo on your first day back. Rest, fluids, yada, yada.

  8. Yikes. Wishing you a speedy recovery. Surely, you’ll be right as rain by Turkey Day.

  9. Yikes. Love child of Meredith and David. I’m glad you are feeling better. I’m glad you remembered about your family room. Family rooms are great. Now I need to look into these Martha points of which you speak. Thanks for visiting the Chicken, Lori!

  10. Lizzie (ellachanted)

    Sorry you’ve been unwell. I’ve been off twitter a lot so I thought I was just was missing you 🙁

    Glad you are feeling better. And remember, the only thing that kills a virus is alcohol.

    Okay I just made that up. But it sounds like it should be true 🙂

  11. Shouldn’t there be a t-shirt? Or at least a MUG for the first flu of the season? What a rip-off.
    On the bright side, at least you figured out why you were never asked to be a supermodel.
    Get well. We need you.

  12. You truly have me concerned.

    Why are you so sick for so long??

    Did you wear yourself out??

    Please do be careful. xo

  13. Oh my gosh I love this! I tend to jump straight into the heavy medication when I have the flu. Mostly because (despite being female) I get the man flu. Everyone I live with prefers me heavily medicated, to me, miserable, whiny, and VOCAL.

  14. Boo. Sorry to hear that. At least now you know definitively what’s wrong. I think those were lovely suggestions for alternative Thanksgiving expectations. Also consider this option – white trash potluck. KFC, macaroni and cheese and store-bought cookies eaten with paper plates and plastic forks. Clearly no decorating needed and people would be disappointed if the house wasn’t messy. Plus it’s a themed party so everyone would wear jeans and Nascar shirts. Voila! Party throwing the simple way.

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