After all the lovely talk about the “cake” yesterday, I felt…I felt…ashamed. You see, it wasn’t really “cake,” but I didn’t want Child C to feel her birthday dessert wasn’t worthy. But…it just wasn’t cake. So I’m re-running The Rules so that next time, we can all be clear.
Those who know me well, or who know me a little, or who met me once for eleven minutes on a bus they didn’t want to be on but were forced to take because their car broke down at a really inconvenient time, know that I have rigorous standards in regards to the proper semantic use of certain names of certain confections.
These are The Rules.
Pay attention, take notes, keep your arms and legs inside the blog at all times.
There will be a test.
Rule Number One:
If it doesn’t have Chocolate, it is not Cake, it is bread.
Carrot bread, strawberry shortbread, French bread. See? They all go together.
Ce n'est pas un gâteau
Rule Number Two:
If it doesn’t have Chocolate, it is not A Cookie, it is a cracker.
This is a cracker.
And this is another cracker.
And finally…
Rule Number Three:
If it doesn’t have Chocolate, it is not Candy, it is a cough drop.
But they're pretty cough-drops, aren't they?
I would like you all to review those again. Commit them to memory. Write them in a prominent place. On a sticky next to your desk, perhaps, or your left arm. Maybe tape a sign to the dog.
Now, I do not deny that there are delicious breads, crackers and cough drops out there in the universe. I partake of such things not infrequently.
My objection is to the improper use of the nomenclature. It is heartbreakingly disappointing to think you are getting cake only to find out that you are getting bread. Trust me. Heartbreaking. We’re talking years of therapy here.
And imagine getting home from a raucus night of Trick-or-Treating, dumping your bag of so-called “candy” onto your bed to take stock of your haul, only to find that instead of the candy you were expecting, you’re swimming in hefty pile of cough drops. Can you even stand thinking about that poor, disappointed child? Well, I certainly couldn’t stand being that poor disappointed child, and I vow to do my best to ensure that no future 9-year-old fairy princesses will have to live through the same trauma. I still have nightmares.
So today I charge that for the sake of all those people who swallow their disappointment at the office party when they find that they’re really getting dished a slice of bread instead of cake, for all those wives who send their husbands out to satisfy a night-time craving for cookies only to be presented with crackers, and for all those little mask-wearing, pumpkin-carrying trick-or-treaters who deserve truth in Halloween advertising, that we commit to a clear, uniform vocabulary.
The populace will rejoice.
And did I mention that Himself wants carrot bread for his birthday?
All photos in this post courtesy of sxc.hu.
As a chocoholic myself, I totally understand these rules.
We really need to get the word out. Maybe a newsletter?
Good rules to know! I’ve been eating far healthier than I realized. : )
And taking medicine too!
Love the blog.
I actually have a coaster in my kitchen (on a tiny easel no less) that says, “Martha would DIE here”. It’s often covered in dust. How many points would you deduct for that?
Oh dear…
But you can still read it? Then I think there’s still hope.
I prescribe a damp paper towel, a cosmopolitan, and an award of at least three points for multitasking.
Girl that was awesome. Especially the cough drops. LOL.
That’s actually the one people argue with me over the most. But I’m sticking to it.
Excellent points to make. I refuse to order dessert in restaurants if none of them have chocolate in. Because it is *not* a dessert.
I absolutely agree.
Although…..I can be swayed by a really good creme brulee. But if it’s a chocolate one….well, there’s that whole “died and gone to heaven” metaphor (simile?) and it fits in really well right here. : )
Great rules and I agree with Jo. If you don’t have chocolate on the menu, why bother?
I think we should start a consumer protection agency for all these mislabeled and miscategorized foodstuffs. Really, who’s looking out for us?
And thank you for reading!
Hi,
I’m sitting in a hotel room in India (US is home) and I’m supposed to be working but instead I’ve found your blog. I might be in big trouble because I don’t see getting anything done until I’ve read every post.
Great stuff, keep it coming!
I will do my best!
And I hope eventually, work-things got done. Typically a good thing, that.
Your blog is absolutely the funniest thing i have read. It is so true, keep up the 5 star posts :)
Thank you so much for your kind words! And I will do my very best to keep ‘em coming. Really, I have a fairly never-ending source of material.
love the cough drop one. I agree. I hopped over from Bloggess.
Happy you stopped by!
And the cough drop one is turning out to be a favorite. : )
Just wanted to let you know, I’ve linked this post to my own blog post today. Hope other enjoy it as much as I did.
Dana
More awesomeness!
Love it!
(got here from Bungalow’s place…)
Thank you very kindly!
Loved your post! I have been living by those rules my whole life (46 years), and they have NOT been unwritten. All 3 of my kids would tell you my rules on Chocolate (especially the dark stuff). I keep my Dark Chocolate locked in a climate controlled wine cellar…..it would last forever, except I keep eating it. And whereas I may partake in a small piece of non-chocolate cake (bread), you will NEVER finding me eating non-chocolate cookies (bread), or candies (cough drops).
I have heard that chocolate would last forever in climate controlled wine cellars, except for the eating it part. ;)
And I applaud your strict avoidance of the bread and the cough drops!
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so what you’re saying is that there are really just 2 main food groups – chocolate & everything else? i’m totally on board with that. also? i’m having reese’s cups for breakfast.
Reese’s for breakfast?? I LOVE you!
Chocolate – it’s not just for breakfast anymore.
I will support these rules on your blog. Everywhere else I will have to respectfully disagree. But I am pretty sure we can still be friends.
I’m sure we can manage. Or if not, we can stage a mock duel at sunrise hurling the confection of our choice at one another.
“Ce n’est pas un gâteau.”
*Snarf*
Oui.
Wait! You mean there are people out there that don’t understand these rules already?!
There are! We must educate them.
I think a big memo.
You and I would do very well together. In my kitchen, I have three signs. They read, “A balanced diet is chocolate in both hands.” ” Dip me in chocolate and call me dessert.” And, “I never met a chocolate I didn’t like.” Nuff said.
I want that sign! That sign should be in MY kitchen too.
And my bedroom, and living room, and home office…
So I have decided that at the next family together-ness function I am going to stand up and declare that all the so called “deserts” are really imposters, then hand my MIL & GMIL a list of the rules.
I will be the highlight of the par-tay xD
LOL…I would like someone to capture that on a cell phone and post it so I can watch.
Cause that would be awesome!
Aye! Rejoice says she! Rejoice!
The cough drops in MY bag at halloween? They go to the kids. They haven’t been schooled yet on the intricacies of this stuff. Easily fooled. I’m all “here baby, you don’t want that nasty snickers! this butterscotch disk is soooo much better!”
I am SUCH a good mom.
For the longest time Child A didn’t like nuts in candy.
Which meant all the Snickers…MINE! Bwuhahahahaha!
Have you any idea just how much I love you?
You are silly and smart and sassy.
And now I’m off to raid the pantry for a cookie. Dammit.
I love being all those things, so that works out really well!
And now when you say cookie, I’ll know you mean a proper cookie.
If anyone clicked the red X out before they got to the second paragaraph, then they know not of what we speak.
You gotta walk a mile in these shoes to understand what you’re laying down here, understand? can you pick up what I’m puttin’ down around town, funky clown?
It is always best to read me to the end.
Pearls of wisdom in those last few paragraphs.
And excellent rhyming, by the way.
Amen. Chocolate = correct dessert/happiness. No chocolate = nightmares and therapy.
How very, very wise you are.
And after many years of nightmares and therapy, I’d just had enough.
Finally…someone who loves chocolate as much as I do.
At first glance I was going to be like, um… “so, Lori, you grew up being given cough drops as candy?”
Then I realized I’m an idiot.
But that’s good, ’cause if it doesn’t happen twice a day I just don’t know what to do with myself.
Hot chocolate without the chocolate is just hot.
Yeah. That’s all I got. Disappointing.